The curse of the number one test side

Published on January 20, 2012 in Latest. 0 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Sportsmen are known to be superstitious but this really is stretching it a bit too far.

Hushed voices in the corridors of uncertainty are revealing that the race to the world number 1 spot in tests has been called off. Teams like South Africa, Australia, and Sri Lanka, formerly vying for that coveted crown in test cricket, are now reportedly happy with being just number 2.

The reason for this sudden change of heart is a rumour doing the rounds that the world number 1 spot is cursed. Even the two erudite Michaels – Atherton and Vaughan – were overheard comparing it to the mythical poisoned chalice, where the person drinks the wine thinking that he’s becoming the king, but is actually swallowing down what will eventually end up consuming the consumer.

The signs are there for everyone to see.

On Day 1 of the first test match between England and Pakistan, the newly crowned world number 1 team was bundled out for a measly score. And very few Indians can actually forget what happened to the previous world number 1 when they played England not so long ago.

The similarities don’t end there. India lost Zaheer Khan on Day 1 of the first test. England lost Tim Bresnan before he could even board the flight. India lost Yuvraj Singh midway through the second test. England almost lost Ian Bell before the first ball was bowled. Bell may have delayed the curse but he could not deny it, failing to score a run during an inning that brought back memories of 2005.

The panic has spread
If reports are to be believed, so scared is Australia about regaining the world number 1 spot that they have decided to go easy on India in the Adelaide test match.

Australia’s coach Mickey Arthur who had set his sights on the No. 1 rank has now publicly re-aligned his radar to the Ashes. After all, who would know it better than the former South Africa coach that South Africa didn’t win a single home test series for four years after becoming world number 1, a spell that was broken recently against Sri Lanka.

And South Africa, next in line for the cursed position, have smartly proposed to the ICC that Chennai Super Kings be made honorary world number 1 for the next five years.

ICC seems warm to the idea and are awaiting a green signal from Mr. N Srinivasan’s astrologer before making it official.

But if the curse really is true the question everyone’s asking is, why is India still playing like they are world number 1?

Ajmal tries an Agarkar
Pakistan off-spinner and destroyer-in-chief in England’s first inning Saeed Ajmal thought he could pull off an Agarkar.

Ajmal had said at the start of the series that he has developed a new ball, the teesra.

Throughout their first inning, the English batsmen remained pre-occupied with identifying the teesra. In the meantime, Kevin Pietersen lost his wicket to the pehla, Ian Bell to the doosra and Andrew Strauss to one that isn’t even numbered.

But, Ajmal’s teesra ball remained as illusionary as Agarkar’s promised all-rounder avatar.

But pulling off such hoaxes in the post-Agarkar era isn’t easy. The wisened English team is almost sure that the only teesra ball Saeed Ajmal may have developed can only be revealed in a thorough physical examination.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

From agneepath to agony-path: How KJo lost out

Published on January 13, 2012 in Latest. 2 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The much-touted Agneepath series has, so far, proved to be ‘agnee’ for the Indians and ‘path’ for the Australians.

In the first two tests, the Indians have scored a measly 26 runs per wicket compared to the Australians’ 51 runs per wicket. The Australians have scored 3 centuries including an unbeaten triple while the Indians’ highest score is 83 scored by, believe it or not, Gautam Gambhir.


So mismatched has this contest been that the ‘Border-Gavaskar Trophy’ has been reduced to the ‘Border-Rohan Gavaskar Trophy’.

It doesn’t augur well for film producer Karan Johar who would have hoped that this tour would do to his upcoming film Agneepath what the 2007 T20 world cup did to Chak De India.

All that the series has managed for his film so far is half the nation calling it the ‘agony-path’, a description that should have been reserved till at least the release of the film.

But the guys who are turning out to be the smartest of the lot are the producers of The Dirty Picture. For not succumbing to the temptation of piggybacking the other slogan being irresponsibly bandied around by the channel – Thunder Down Under.

Securing the Indian team

After getting their fingers taped by the team management, the Indian team finds itself woefully exposed and vulnerable. Quite understandably, the team has asked for extra protection from the dangerously aggressive Australian crowds.

Given that there have hardly been any missiles from the crowd, the security team was hard spent to find out what it is that they are supposed to protect the Indian team from. It’s only when Virat Kohli explained to them the verbal volleys he was subjected to, “the worst he has ever heard”, the officials finally understood the magnitude of the problem facing them.

They have acted swiftly and decisively, and gifted each Indian player a pair of earplugs.

Masala cricket update

Mumbai Indians needed a wicketkeeper-batsman almost as desperately as King’s XI Punjab needed hard cash. So, they have spent $2.35 million of Mukesh Ambani’s hard earned money to buy Dinesh Karthik from King’s XI Punjab.

To celebrate the occasion, Dinesh Karthik promptly scored a duck in the next match he played against Mumbai in the Ranji Trophy semi-finals.

Pssst…Dinesh, Mumbai is not Mumbai Indians.

Last year’s bottom-rungers Delhi Daredevils have compensated for their lack of on-field daredevilry by buying Kevin Pietersen for $2.3 million from Deccan Chargers who had bought him for $650,000 in the last auctions.

Kevin Pietersen’s buy sets a new record for the biggest IPL blunder, breaking the previous record set by the creation of Kochi Tuskers.

Bangladesh Premier League or BPL is set to take off later this year. Their franchises went under the hammer recently with Chittagong emerging as the most expensive franchise at $1.2 million.

In a magnanimous move, the BCCI is offering each franchise a BPL card.

The next big Patel

A young medium fast bowler who goes by the name Harshal Vikram Patel has hit the headlines by taking two consecutive 8-fers in the Ranji Trophy knockout matches.

After Dipak Patel retired and Parthiv Patel’s career refused to hit puberty and Munaf Patel’s good name was dishonoured by Bobby Darling, Harshal Patel has emerged as the next big Patel hope in cricket.

Although, given how big Samit Patel is, bagging that title will certainly not come easy for young Harshal.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Virat’s finger, the new research topic

Published on January 6, 2012 in Latest. 4 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Virat Kohli will now be known as Virat Ungli. Not because he has the longest finger in the world. But because he thinks he does.

“Why else would he be so keen to proudly display it to the world?” asked Darwinian sociologist Dr. Terryman Key, who took a break from his study on the common DNA strain between Sreesanth and Pattinson to explain to me how an obsession with size and public exhibition is a natural primate instinct.

Virat, in his short international career, has shown all signs of becoming an interest of study for Dr. Key.

“His usage of the finger makes him a unique primate and makes him deserving of a species title,” Dr. Key said. “And Ungli just feels like the right name for him.”

Despite his conviction on the discovery of the Ungli species, Dr. Key found some contradictions that even he couldn’t explain. Take for example Virat’s tweet after the act.

“I agree cricketers don’t have to retaliate. What when the crowd says the worst things about your mother and sister. The worst I’ve heard,” he had tweeted.

Dr. Key compared this with a specially edited package of Virat’s catches and dismissals, each of which was followed by expletives about one’s sister. “In my years of research, I haven’t come across any primate who couldn’t hear himself,” he said still shaking his head.

No sympathy
The man on the street isn’t sympathetic to Virat and feels that the defensive tweet was not befitting of a Delhiite. Gurgaon property dealer Balwinder Singh feels that Virat should have done something more “mardaana” like what Inzamam and Afridi had done.

At least something ban-worthy.

BCCI Unmoved
It’s hard for even the die-hard Virat fan to condone Virat’s act, as you can’t possibly be succumbing to every animal instinct unless you are a politician. And let’s face it, Virat is no neta.

So he must face the consequences like some other sportsmen have in the past.

In the 1994 FIFA World Cup, German midfielder Stefan Effenberg was dropped from the squad and sent back home after he showed the finger to fans at Dallas. He never played for Germany again.

The BCCI’s reaction has been as extreme as the German Football Federation’s, except that it’s at the other end of the spectrum. Forget any immediate punishment, there’s not even been a statement condemning the act or a show cause notice or an explanation from team management. Just dead silence.

To probe the BCCI’s view, I called up a couple of senior officials.

“There has been a very big misunderstanding. Virat had earlier seen both Ponting and Clarke raise their bats after reaching their centuries,” the official explained. “In this case, Virat had showed a great fielding effort after which he wanted to acknowledge the crowd. And, unfortunately, he had nothing in his hands other than his finger.”

The other official was far more pragmatic and believable. He said that the Board usually expects its players to respond to criticism by performing on the field. But that you will score runs or take wickets can’t be guaranteed. With the IPL and a packed cricket calendar, the board has been looking at ways of reducing each player’s workload.

“I think Virat did the right thing,” he said. “Why take the tough route when a simpler one is available?”

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live audio commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Why CA picked Chappell to demystify Sachin

Published on December 23, 2011 in Latest. 1 Comment

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Reality TV star Greg Chappell has landed himself another job where he’ll do what he does best – do a whole lot of talking without any actual accountability for results. He has been allowed entry into the Australian dressing room with the job of demystifying Sachin Tendulkar. Like after 22 years and 184 test matches, there is anything left to demystify about his batting.

If you can ignore your negative feelings for Chappell, you can see the reason why Cricket Australia has picked him for the job. Other than having been a brilliant batsman in his time, Chappell also has to his credit the distinction of messing with Tendulkar’s mind as coach of India like no other bowler has ever done.

And if you thought that Chappell can unearth nothing except what we already know about Sachin’s vulnerability to the ball cuts back and that he can be lured into driving away from his body, you are wrong.

As per reports emerging from the Australian camp, Chappell has already given a couple of lectures on his chosen subject. Using graphs, archive footage of Sachin’s batting, and a detailed cluster analysis of his scores, Chappell has shown how Sachin is most vulnerable in his 90s. As per his strategy, the Australian bowlers should let him get to the 90s as early as possible and then plot his dismissal.

In a special session with captain Michael Clarke, Chappell drew upon his personal experience and disclosed that Tendulkar can be tamed if he is made to bat at a position he doesn’t like. Clarke is said to have approached Dhoni asking if he would be willing to play Tendulkar at No. 6 in exchange for allowing Chappell unrestricted access to the Australian players, something he knows is more advantageous to India than anyone else.

Ishant ‘Smart Alec’ Sharma
After four years of international cricket, Ishant Sharma has come of age like only an Indian fast bowler can. In this time, he has lost pace, zing, movement, wickets, and his hair. The only thing he still has from that dizzy 2007-08 season is that Adam’s Apple of his, which the World Human Anatomy Institute wants to rechristen as the Ishant’s Apple.

In these four years he has, however, learnt how to talk smart. Recently, he said that the Australians are better at playing mind games than the game itself. And to prove how grievously injuring their mind games can be, he has got himself injured before bowling even a single ball.

Mental disintegration Dravid style
When Steve Waugh came up with his mental disintegration theory, he had no idea the guy who would write the foreword in his autobiography would also turn it on its head and make it his own.

In his Sir Don Bradman Oratory, Rahul Dravid has re-invented that pop classic ‘Killing me softly’. By citing how Indians and Australians have fought shoulder to shoulder in the two world wars, how Australia was the first country the Indian team toured as an independent nation, how thousands of fans were dejected at Bradman’s snub in Calcutta, and how Bradman was our pre-independence symbol of fighting the oppressor, Dravid has made the Indian team an object of love and affection in the Australian cricketers hearts.

Reports suggest Siddle starts weeping as soon as he sees Dravid and Warner now sleeps with a teddy bear with Viru embroidered across its chest.

Statue of a statue
A statue of Shane Warne at the MCG was unveiled this week. This is the first ever statue of a statue, which is what Warne has become after Liz Hurley personally sculpted him into a “bronze statue” vaguely resembling Shane Warne.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live wacky commentary during the India-Australia series on www.pitch-invasion.in
Tune in during match hours.

Next stop for Bhajji: The Bigg Boss House

Published on December 16, 2011 in Latest. 6 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Anyone taking bets on who’s next inside the Big Boss house? If yes, I’d like to put 10 rupees on Harbhajan Singh. (The monetary figure less reflective of my confidence and more of my finances.)

Let’s face it. If Andrew Symonds is in, can Harbhajan be far behind? Symonds without Harbhajan is like Shastri at the morning toss without a hangover. The picture is simply incomplete.

The sequence of recent events gives further credence to this possibility. The resurfacing of Harbhajan’s long-standing shin injury immediately after the Indian team for Australia was announced, which happened a little after he was belted around the park by Ranji level tailenders, which happened after he led Mumbai Indians to victory in the Champion’s League, which happened a few weeks after he abandoned the English tour with an abdominal strain that had him performing the Suryanamaskar on the field.

Now, if you are going to wile away your time in the house, might as well make some money doing so. And there ain’t any house better to do it in than the Big Boss’s house.

And at just this opportune time, Harbhajan’s car gets burgled, his passport and credit cards are lost, and he’s back in the news and starts trending on twitter. Perfect timing.

Harbhajan’s lost passport and credit cards were recovered a day after he filed the police report. While he was at it, he might as well have filed a report for his lost turn, loop, bite, and wickets too.

Gavaskar – On Sale

Sunil Gavaskar’s demand for the payment of $1 million per every previous season of IPL has been shot down by the BCCI again. Gavaskar claims that Sharad Pawar had promised him this sum.

He now joins millions of farmers who are complaining about the ‘ICC-President-by-day and Agriculture-Minister-by-night’ Mr. Sharad Pawar not keeping his promises. Last heard, he was looking for serial-slapper Harvinder Singh’s phone number.

In his battle with the BCCI, Gavaskar has received support from a not-so-surprising quarter – Lalit K Modi. Modi confirms that Gavaskar was indeed promised this sum.

“We used Gavaskar’s credibility and name when setting up the IPL,” he said. Used his credibility and name, mind you, and not knowledge and expertise. To a layperson this may appear as if Gavaskar sold his credibility and name to the IPL, but that’s probably not what Modi meant to say.

As his fans, we hope for Gavaskar’s sake that he gets the amount due to him because, as they say, there’s not much left in the bank after you’ve encashed your credibility.

Now, what needs to be seen is how long before Gavaskar does a U-turn on his opinion on IPL’s effect on Indian cricket and the reliability of the DRS? I’d say, it’ll start gradually from the first test in Australia and should be complete by the time the Australia tour ends.

Good morning, Dravid Sir!

Rahul Dravid delivered this year’s Sir Donald Bradman’s Oration in Canberra in which he talked about how India and Australia have fought wars together in Gallipoli, El Alamein, North Africa, Syria-Lebanon, Burma and the battle for Singapore. He also connected what happened to Don Bradman and Jawahar Lal Nehru on June 28, 1930.

As a result, Sehwag has offered him the position of head of department of History and Geography in his school. The only reason he didn’t offer him the English department also is that, when Dravid said ‘incongruous’, Sehwag heard it as ‘In Congress’. And we know Sehwag doesn’t like politics.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s irreverent live cricket commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Slapgate and another Kambli disclosure

Published on November 25, 2011 in Latest. 2 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Given my prophetic powers, if betting were allowed in India, I could make a fortune on two predictions.

1. Another fixing scandal is around the corner
2. Nobody will ever slap the ICC president

Prediction 1: Another fixing scandal is around the corner
Vinod Kambli has shocked us again. Not by his look this time, but by what he recently disclosed. Kambli feels the 1996 world cup semi-final match between India and Sri Lanka was fixed.

Noooo! Who’d have thought that? So what if it was played in the 90’s match fixing era, or if proven match fixers like Azhar, Jadeja, and Mongia were playing in it, or if crores were riding on that match, the thought that there was something amiss about that match never crossed our minds.

But the most unsurprising part of the ‘Kambli disclosure’ has been the BCCI’s reaction to it. “He is mad. He doesn’t know what he is saying. Matter close!” is the BCCI message, loud and clear. There’s no enquiry, no talking to players who played that match, no explanation from Kambli, no quoting of previous investigation reports. Nothing.

In his recently published memoirs, Outlook editor Vinod Mehta reveals that the then BCCI President Madhavrao Scindia was aware of Indian players fixing matches back in 1993. Mumbai top cop Rakesh Maria had intercepted telephone conversations between bookies and top Indian cricketers in 1994. Anirudhha Bahal had started investigating match-fixing in early 1997, the year Pradeep Magazine unraveled the bookie-cricketer nexus. Everyone knew, except the BCCI. Or, so they would like us believe.

The time bomb finally exploded in our faces in 2000.

In a world changing at supersonic speed, it’s heartening to see that the BCCI has remained unchanged. They continue to deal with situations exactly like in the 90’s.

Recently, Goa captain Swapnil Asnodkar offered a draw in a match they could have won. He was initially banned for two matches by the Goa Cricket Association, which was lifted soon after his apologized. The BCCI isn’t investigating the matter any further.

Earlier in the week, speaking with me on Internet radio station Pitch Invasion, Pradeep Magazine said that match-fixing murmurs have resurfaced with the advent of the IPL. He feels that young players getting sucked into the IPL glamour world are especially vulnerable to completely unregulated agents whose credentials and sources of money are unknown and suspect. Even Ajay Sharma, he recounted, first came in contact with bookie MK Gupta when he was 15, when Gupta shoved a 100 rupee note in Sharma’s pocket after the latter had scored a century in a DDCA club game.

Given that the decibel level of these murmurs is fast reaching the levels of the mid 1990s, and that the BCCI is being BCCI, I predict another major fixing scandal to hit us in the near future. And this time, the sport may not survive the jolt.

Prediction 2: Nobody will ever slap the ICC president
Oops!

Late News:
Harvinder Singh, whose palm came in contact with Mr. Pawar’s cheek, has caught the attention of the Indian selectors. “From what we have seen, he has a natural ability to find the sweet spot of the bat. He can solve our No. 6 problem in Australia,” one selector said. “Did you notice how he was pointing his knife at Mr. Pawar? This boy is definitely used to lifting his bat after scoring centuries,” another selector added while stroking his chin.

However, the incident has caused some grief to Virender Sehwag. He is ruing that he couldn’t paste a Sehwag International School sticker on the knife beforehand.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live match commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Viru – the new marketing guru

Published on November 19, 2011 in Latest. 6 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Step aside Mr. Lalit Modi. The next marketing whiz in Indian cricket has arrived. And it’s none other than the Sultan of Multan, the Nawab of Najafgarh, the man of ‘See Ball – Hit Ball’ fame, the superhero known in some circles as the Jatman. Yes, it’s our own Virender Sehwag.

During the second day of the Kolkata test, Duncan Fletcher was sitting in the player’s gallery. Sitting next to him was Sachin Tendulkar. It was the perfect photo-op guaranteed to attract eyeballs and, not surprisingly, the camera turned towards the duo. Perched on a table in front of them was Fletcher’s laptop with the manufacturer’s famous logo glowing proudly on it. Nothing out of place in that picture, except for the one awkward sticker on the top right corner of the laptop that read, in very bad font, sisj.in.

The sticker could just not go unnoticed. “Wow, the Indian team has someone sponsoring even its laptop?” someone asked excitedly. “No, must be the website of the analytics company whose software the Indian team is using,” another replied. Within seconds, cricket viewers all over the country were punching in the website address on their browsers. And not one of them could have guessed what was to show up. It was the website of Sehwag International School Jhajjar.

Forget any sportsman, never in history has even a sports marketer conjured up such a brilliant guerilla-marketing tactic.

That wasn’t all. Later, VVS Laxman reached his 150 and raised his bat to acknowledge his mates. Only, instead of showing the face of the bat, as is the custom, this time Laxman decided to show the back of his bat. And guess what was stuck on the bottom of his bat. Yes, the same sisj.in sticker.

One can only guess how Viru would have prodded Sachin Paaji to sit with Duncan uncle for the photo-op or what he threatened VVS with. For now, going by how the stickers were actually upside-down when displayed to the world, one can safely say that Viru personally stuck them on the glossy surfaces.

Pasting stickers isn’t the only thing Viru is doing for his school. Viru’s stamp is there on every element of the website, including his picture from 10 years ago taken from the formal clothing brand he used to endorse. In fact, Viru seems to have also written the copy for the website going by how the school believes “tones of hardwork produce desired results”.

However, tones of hardwork isn’t the only Sehwagology on the website.

Sample this:
• A morning prayer that spreads peace and a special prayer in their own way (Only Viru knows what this means)
• The classrooms that say “be smart” (As opposed to the ones that make one smart, I presume)
• For ideas that float in the air (Ideas full of gas?)
• Where mathematics is easy like never before (Viru can personally vouch for this because this is where he finally learnt how to calculate required run rate)
• In the toddlers class, toddlers are just toddlers (Parthiv Patel would feel safe there)
• Where dance and music is in the hearts, and sports is in the souls (Viru, The poet)
• An evening prayer that purifies the environment (Wouldn’t it be simpler to just use a room freshener?)
• Candlelight dinner with teachers (Aww…how romantic)

Now, we finally have a good reason to have children. Just so we can send them to Sehwag International School in Jhajjar.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s irreverent and wacky live audio commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Empty stands? Blame yourself!

Published on November 11, 2011 in Latest. 1 Comment

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Shocked to see empty stands in the Delhi test match? Don’t be. A gentleman who went to Ferozeshah Kotla has decoded the puzzle on a blog.

The gentleman and his wife drove 90 minutes to the ground only to be told that the parking was 5 kms away. After having parked, they walked back to the stadium to be told that the ticket counters were closed on the auspicious occasion of a Sunday. They were directed to a bank 3 kms away, stood in queue for an hour, and were compelled to buy a 5-day ticket for a stand where they won’t get tanned. Finally, just as they were entering the stadium, they were refused entry because the gentleman was carrying a lethal modern-day weapon of mass destruction. An iPad.

If you think the DDCA is responsible for this mess, you’re wrong. The real reason is that today’s cricket fan has become too soft, too pampered by modern luxuries and too influenced by what he sees on TV.

Let’s dissect the blog for finer details.

He writes in the second paragraph, “The plan was to get comfortable seats in a stand that serves good food and drink, so we could read the newspaper and chat, with occasional cricket interruptions”. Huh? He thinks he’s in Australia or what?

On being asked if he had “parking accreditation”, the gentleman accepted unfamiliarity with the term. He shouldn’t have transferred the blame of his ignorance on to the authorities.

The gentleman and his wife were also making jokes on the healthily built Delhi Police personnel calling them “Gatting-esque proportions”. Such objectification of the protectors of our law should be universally condemned.

Further, by complaining about being made to walk 16 kms he was being unappreciative of the DDCA who were just doing their bit to ensure our cricket fans remain as trim and fit as our cricketers.

Circa 1990s

To fully understand how soft we have become, we must compare this Kotla experience to the one I was used to back in the 1990s.

The adventure would begin 3 days before the match where 35,000 people would already be jostling for the 10,000 tickets available for the Students’ Stand, a situation that would kick in the Delhi survival instinct in us.

We’d help another group start a parallel queue. At an opportune moment, we would instigate an altercation between the main queue and the parallel queue. With tempers running high, chants of ‘Maaro…Maaro’ can quickly provoke one punch converting the altercation into a scuffle. A police lathi-charge and crowds running helter skelter would provide an ideal opportunity to find yourself close enough to the counter at a place that the police deems to be a legitimate queue.

On the day of the match, three hours before the toss, the queue would have almost reached Asaf Ali Road. A similar sequence of queue breaking, altercations, lathi-charge (this time by policemen on horsebacks), about 500 people falling over the pavement barriers, and a mini-stampede would follow.

If you’re smart enough, you would use this opportunity to get to the gate. You run in pushing and shoving those ahead of you, find yourself a place to sit and don’t leave it for the next six hours.

If you’re thirsty, spot someone with a cola bottle, offer him a place to sit in exchange for the drink, make sure you and your friends finish the bottle before laughing at the guy’s face when he asks for the return favour.

We have come a long way since then. The gentleman is complaining that he couldn’t take his iPad inside. We were thankful that we got out with our limbs intact.

More fitting fixing punishments than time in a prison cell

Published on November 4, 2011 in Latest. 8 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Contrary to popular perception, this has actually been a good week for Salman Butt. He finally has his Internet banking password that’ll never let him get caught with a stash of cash under his bed again.

As for Mohammed Asif, whatever the punishment, it can hardly test a man whose past includes failing a dope test, being in a relationship with Veena Malik, getting whacked on the thigh by Shoaib Akhtar, and getting caught in Dubai airport with hashish in his wallet. Expecting him to lose sleep over the latest episode is like expecting someone to fear playing Vinay Kumar after having faced Brett Lee, Dale Steyn and Dolly Bindra.

The third, Mohammed Amir, is probably young enough to take this as a lesson in life.

But the guilty verdict in the London court has dealt an almost irreparable blow to Pakistan cricket. Mohammed Amir – a precocious talent with pace, control and swing; Mohammed Asif – a lethal swinger who could send it both ways; Salman Butt – a captain who could speak English.

Pakistan may never see this combination play together again.

Isn’t Jail too harsh?

While the guilty should definitely be punished, there are doubts over whether going to jail for a sports crime is completely justified.

Most people believe their punishment, apart from the ban, should be related to the cricket.

Some suggestions being thrown by legal luminaries include
• Physical torture by reflecting bright lights off Kamran Akmal’s teeth straight into their eyes
• Giving a bath to Munaf Patel
• Watching a match between Mumbai Indians and King’s XI Punjab with Nita Ambani on one side and Preity Zinta on the other
• Counting every currency note Sharad Pawar has in his possession
• Watching in ultra slow motion Jonathon Trott and Alistair Cook bat together (Human rights activists have opposed this suggestion)
• Rubbing the lipstick and blush off Stuard Broad’s face (Women’s rights activists have opposed this suggestion)

A Bollywood movie

Did you know that Salman Butt’s son was born about an hour before the jury announced their verdict?

Imagine a movie that starts with the court pronouncing the national cricket team captain guilty of match fixing and his son being born in a hospital right at that time. The boy grows up to be a cricketer, becomes captain of the national side, infiltrates the bookie nexus, unearths the plot that wrongly brought his father down, and clears his name on the same night that he wins the world cup. Now, wouldn’t that be a great premise for a mediocre Bollywood film?

The plot has caught the attention of some of Bollywood’s biggest producers.

Karan Johar is amongst those interested in the story albeit with minor changes like changing the no-balls to wides. Contrary to expectations, Karan doesn’t want Shahrukh Khan to play Salman Butt. Instead, he wants him to play the umpire.

Given that the chances of success of a Shahrukh Khan movie is directly proportional to the number of times he stretches his arms wide, the 23 wides that Shahrukh will be required to signal will assure box office numbers, Johar thinks. Genius!

The other Khan – Salman – is also interested in the script. He’s especially interested in playing the character of the infant son, which gives him ample opportunities to appear shirtless in the film.

But the man who’s likely to pip all of them and release the movie first is Ram Gopal Verma who has already decided the number of angles from which Nisha Kothari’s item number will be shot.

He has kept the date of release under wraps, although film pundits already know the date on which it’ll be go off theatres – exactly three days after its release.

Silence of the Lambs

Published on October 29, 2011 in Latest. 5 Comments
Bangalore's Siddharth Srivatsa sending a message to Michael Vaughan

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The beauty of life is that it teaches you lessons from even the most meaningless of events, like the recently concluded India-England ODI series. As someone who followed every ball of it, here’s what I learnt from the series.

Lesson #1: Be careful of what you say…
Because it has a habit of coming back to boomerang you on your backside. One can hope that this is a lesson that Michael Vaughan would have learnt too.

During India’s disastrous English tour, Michael Vaughan had led the former England player pack in ridiculing the Indian team, including a bizarre suggestion that Laxman had used Vaseline on his bat to hide faint edges from hotspot. Throughout the tour, caustic, vitriolic and sardonic comments aimed at the Indian team kept coming from the former England captain through his commentary, tweets and newspaper columns.

While fans can be excused for resorting to jingoism, one doesn’t expect those who’ve played the sport at the highest level to stoop so low.

With each England defeat in this series, Vaughan found his twitter page flooded with diatribes from Indian cricket fans, most of them personal and abusive. The most hard hitting message, though, was delivered to Vaughan by a 14-year old Bangalorean through a picture inspired by Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography’s cover page.

If even this doesn’t silence Vaughan, probably nothing will.

Lesson #2: It’s true that some wines improve with age…
But only if the grapes were good in the first place. In Tony Greig’s case, not only are the grapes bad, they are also sour.

For the last six months, every second sentence from Greig has had India in it. Starting with BCCI bashing on the use of technology issue, to Indian team bashing during the England series, to doom’s day prediction for cricket in the BCCI-led era. India is on his mind so much that one wouldn’t be surprised if he mutters the word in his sleep.

It’s common knowledge that Greig was deeply involved with the ICL and the BCCI-ban on ICL has affected him financially. From the looks of it, it has also affected him mentally.

Just yesterday, he tweeted urging the BCCI to think that ‘when making money is the ultimate ambition, you do things you shouldn’t’. Wise words from a man who not only quit England captaincy to join Kerry Packer, but was actively recruiting English players while he was still captain.

For Greig, one can safely say that one shouldn’t attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Lesson #3: ‘z’ is keeping your mouth shut
Albert Einstein had said that if ‘A’ is success in life, then A = x+y+z where ‘x’ is work, ‘y’ is play, and ‘z’ is keeping your mouth shut.

Throughout the English tour, MS Dhoni maintained a dignified silence, refusing to be provoked by what was being said about him and his team. He played hard, played fair, and called a spade a spade in his trademark casual style.

In the return tour, he refrained from the ‘payback’ or ‘revenge’ bellicosity, saying that sportsmen don’t exact revenge. And even after the convincing series win, he didn’t resort to chest thumping, preferring to talk about areas that the team needs to improve upon to win overseas.

In the colossal mass of off-field trash over the last few months, MS Dhoni stands tall and clean.

As an Indian, that’s what I am proud of, even more than the 5-0 win.

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