Interview with Great Bong and Indibloggies

Source: http://greatbong.net/2010/01/15/a-real-interview-with-the-fake-ipl-player/

The Fake IPL Player (henceforth to be known as FIP) needs no introduction. But I will give a brief one nonetheless.

Last year during the Indian Premier League, a blog suddenly appeared that was purportedly written by a fringe ‘anonymous’ player of one of the IPL’s most popular franchises. Giving a warts-and-all, brutally irreverent, fly’s eyes view of the inner workings of a doomed team and liberally peppered with salacious accounts of the off-field activities of our superstars (whose actual identities were hidden behind easily-guessable monikers –a few of which like Kaan Molu and Appam Chutiya have since become part of our vocabulary) the FIP became a viral Internet phenomenon.

Who was this FIP? Was he a disgruntled player? Was it a publicity gimmick, stage-managed from behind? More importantly was this the truth? Or like everything else we are told, the ardh-satya?

Whatever or whoever he be, The FIP soon became water-cooler talk in every office where cricket is discussed as people poured over screens dissecting the allusions to real players and events. Certain players were suspected to to be the sinister blogger, a newspaper even broke the so-called identity of FIP and then retracted, the said franchise came up with an official statement on their blog, and as the FIP’s posts sounded realistically accurate, confusion became more confounded. The world waited eagerly till the end of the tournament, not just because it was overtly long but because FIP promised to reveal his identity only then.

He did. Well not really. In a video which showed his shadow, the FIP confessed to not being an actual player.

Then who was he?

Just a Indian cricket fan, but not an ordinary one.

Somebody special who during “the faceless journey of life”, happened “to get intimately exposed to cricket. From the Kings of Bollywood to the pimps of cricket and vice-versa”, an experience that converted him into “an insider, the the fly on the wall, the ghost in the darkness.”

He left with a promise.

Being intimately involved, I think I saw a lot more happening that most people saw on TV. I saw so much. It will probably take me a book or two to spill it all in. But if I actually write a book, I will be history even if my book is not. Still, it is a story that has to be told.”

Well the FIP is back to make history. With his book ‘ The Gamechangers’ being brought out by Harper Collins. And to tell you more is the man himself in his first ever interview.

In case you are wondering, this interview with me is not due to the fact that we are both share the publisher. As some of you may know, I won the Indiblog of the Year at the Indibloggies. Now it is normally the tradition that the winner is interviewed. However Debashish, the administrator of the award, felt that since I had been interviewed after winning the same award before it would be better that we did an interview of someone else. And FIP, the winner for Indibloggies Sports Blog of the Year, was the obvious choice.

Enough talk. Silence. Because here he is. The Fake IPL Player. For the first time since he stopped blogging.

Q. What led you to start the FIP blog? Was it something that you had wanted to do for long or was it something you thought of one fine day on an impulse?

The blog itself was a spur of the moment thing. What happened was, over the years, I had collected a bagful of juicy stories which I sometimes shared with my close friends. For obvious reasons, they loved them. One evening, a few days before I left for South Africa, we were sitting around, drinking beer, me and three other friends, when one of them suggested that I put the stuff out on a blog so they can enjoy the stories in real time. I said cool. It was supposed to be a dirty little black book between just the four of us. I never thought of making it ‘Private’ probably because I never expected anybody to find out about it.

But, I do remember thinking about how to make it more interesting than just a discussion board. I thought about Fakesteve and ‘War for news’. And, coincidentally, I watched the movie ‘Wag the dog’ on the flight to Jo’burg. The Fake IPL Player persona was, in some ways, influenced by all three.

Q: People start blogs and struggle to get noticed. How did you manage to create a readership so quick? More specifically, how did an initial set of people even come to know that there was this delightfully “evil” blog called the FIP?

To be honest, I have no frickin’ clue how it got out. For the first few days, it was just the four of us having fun on the blog. Then, one fine day I woke up to see 5 or 6 guys not known to me who had signed up as Followers. And several others who had started commenting on the blog. I asked my friends if they had talked about it to anyone and they all said ‘No’. I have a feeling though that at least one of them would have told somebody. [At the time I felt differently about it, but now I am not complaining ] By the end of the day, the Follower count had reached double figures. I was a bit worried then. I texted the most sensible guy in our group and asked him if I should continue. His response was ‘Lage Raho Munnabhai’. So I continued. A couple of days later, Cricinfo put it on their home page. I remember I was on my way to Kingsmead for the KKR Vs King’s XI game when my friend messaged me saying that the blog was on Cricinfo home page. By the time I returned to my hotel, the Follower count was 150. Eventually, it reached almost 9000. I can’t stop laughing every time I remember how scared I was when it had reached 15.

Cricinfo got to know about it very early. My guess is that either they chanced upon it accidentally or one of the earliest finders may have posted it on their facebook wall or something. I don’t know. But, I think they were amongst the first to know. They may have monitored it for a couple of days to confirm whether the stuff being written was true or not. Once they were satisfied, they probably put it up. After that, it just took off.

Q: Was it all a work of fiction or was it what film-makers call “based on facts”? If it was, did you have a source inside the team or inside the press corps?

I stand by the disclaimer on the blog, “All characters in the blog are fictitious. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.”

Q: Were you ever bothered about the ethics behind maintaining the ruse of being an actual IPL player (I am going by the video you put up where you talked about merely being an avid cricket lover), which if taken seriously might lead to witch-hunts inside the team and ultimately to innocent players being put under a cloud? Or did you consider the use of the word “Fake” in “Fake IPL Player” enough of a disclaimer, even though the principal appeal of the blog did come from people perceiving it to be real?

I always ensured that I gave enough clues that would tell the management who I could or could not be. I must confess that during the initial days, when the blog was still private, I was a bit careless on that front. But once it got popular and I decided to continue it, I edited out some of the earlier indiscretions and made sure I wrote stuff that wouldn’t put any particular player under the scanner. There certainly was a witch-hunt on and I followed it closely, but I was sure that no innocent player would pay a price for the blog. I trusted the team management with at least a quarter of a brain not to do something that stupid.

I was concerned when Aakash and Bangar were sent back. I stopped blogging for a couple of days until I got a confirmation from none other than Aakash himself that it wasn’t because of the blog.

To correct your question just a wee bit, while I have always been an avid cricket follower, over the last ten years or so I have had opportunities to be a little more than ‘merely an avid cricket follower’ and I think something to that effect was mentioned in the video post as well. But, you are right, I did think that the word ‘Fake’ in the name absolved me a bit.

Q: Will you ever reveal your identity? If not, why?

I don’t know about ‘ever’, but at the moment I am quite happy in anonymity.

A couple of years ago, I met this fascinating man in Paris. He was extremely well read and knowledgeable, but other than that he seemed like a regular, middle aged guy with a regular job at a French Football Club. Nothing out of the ordinary. He invited me to spend a weekend at his upcountry home with his wife and three kids. When I went there I realised that his upcountry home was actually a chateaux, he was a billionaire and part-owner of the club. I asked him how and why he keeps such a low profile. His response was ‘vivre cache pour vivre heureux’, which means ‘to lead a hidden life is to lead a happy life’.

Q: What led you to suddenly backtrack from revealing your identity?
There was a chance that my identity would put some players I know well in a bit of a pickle. When I thought of it I didn’t feel right about putting them in an awkward situation for no fault of theirs.

Q: Do you read other blogs? If you do, which ones?

My favourite blog is thevigilidiot.com This guy is just hilarious. I actually watched Kurbaan after reading his review to see how mind-numbingly inane it could possibly be.

The other blog I love is the Inclusive Planet blog (http://inclusiveplanet.wordpress.com/). Inclusive Planet is an organisation that provides services to the disabled sector and on their blog people with physical disabilities from all over the world share their experiences. The best part about it is that you hardly ever find any sympathy-seeking sob stories there. They are intelligent, evocative, well-written and inspiring stories. Personally, through this blog I have learnt a lot about a community that I understood very little about earlier. On the blog, read jbarath’s and Gidi Ahronovich’s posts.

I enjoy a couple of travel blogs. Janchipchase.com is the blog of the Nokia head of design. He captures the world with pictures and his acute ethnographic observations which others would normally miss. Then, there’s this interesting little blog of this IT sales guy from the land of Appam Chutiya who lives in Europe and blogs about his experiences. bottomofheart.blogspot.com

I like Cricinfo’s Page 2. They have some funny writers on their panel. Jamie Alter, Anand Ramachandran, Andrew Hughes, Nishi Narain, George Benoy they’re all quite good.

Prem Panicker’s twitter feed is another favourite and occasionally I visit ‘Cricket with Balls’.

Who has been your favorite Knight Rider player? Who do you think shouldn’t have been in the team?

My favourite Knight Rider? Well, there are so many.

Chris Gayle is great company. In fact, I think, Gayle and Gibbs are the funniest cricketers in the world. Although, the funniest guy one can ever spend an evening with is David Lloyd. He should have been coach of KKR, to be honest. They would have still lost all their games, but at least they would have laughed their way to the bottom of the table.

Another favourite Knight Rider would be John Buchanan’s laptop. For the whole month it kept him hypnotised like a nubile nymphet doing a strip tease. Since he was mostly distracted by the raging sexual energy of his laptop, players could afford to breathe.

Who, I think, shouldn’t have been in the team? Well, don’t we all know that the fish starts stinking from its head?

Q: Where does FIP go from here? Will he come back this IPL season? Tell us about the book.

My book ‘The Gamechangers’, which I have been writing for the last six months, is due for release in February. It tells everything that the blog didn’t or couldn’t. I am very excited about it.

About the blog, well, I still don’t know how close I will be to the action in Season 3. So, it’s a little hazy on that front.

Q: Do you think your book will sell more due to the buzz/controversy created by the blog? Also do you anticipate any legal actions (defamation etc) being taken against you by BCCI when you reveal yourself at the launch of the book?

I don’t know about whether the book will sell more due to the blog or not, but I know for a fact that the book would never have happened if it weren’t for the blog. If it wasn’t for the blog, the folks at Harper Collins wouldn’t have thought of me as anything more than a horse’s ass.

Q: Any words for your fans?

To those who followed my blog and commented on it, a big Thank you. You really kept me on my toes.

During the blogging experience, I realised how harmful public adulation can be to one’s character. Words like ‘You Rock’, ‘Genius’, ‘Dude’ can make you bloat up with pride and ego. The result is almost always a crappy post that would get the same guys to prick the balloon with a pin and cut you down to size. I think the followers of the blog balanced the bouquets and brickbats very well and my sincere thanks for the same. I hope they will support my book too.

Also, 50% of the blog’s success was due to the comments. There were many people who’d come to the blog to read the comments. Some of them were very funny.

Thank you for your time. Here is wishing you a whole DLF maximums of Citi moments of success for The Gamechangers.

Wake up call went unanswered

Hardly a word was spoken in the team coach last night. Other than Prince who was grumbling about going in too late to bat. He was mostly talking to himself but within earshot of everyone else. Daddu was at the receiving end of some sharp chaste Punjabi phrases.

The Blues are shell shocked. Most of them have been tucked indoors since last night. No parties or eating out, it’s just room service now for this bunch. Heck, they aren’t even showing up at the hotel lobby now. Except for Prince of Patiala, of course, who went out late night with a Bollywood actress who suddenly made an appearance in London yesterday. Am not quite sure where they went though. All I hear is that he went out well after dinner time and returned in time for the breakfast buffet. Must have been out celebrating his brilliant fielding performance yesterday. I still can’t figure out how he’s managed to put on so much weight though, despite his obviously intense late night workout schedule.

Daddu has spoken to Captain Kakdi, all apologetic trying to explain what he was doing in the middle yesterday. Kakdi’s asked him to chill, forget about it and think of how not to repeat the mistakes in the future. Yea right. Hopefully, he won’t forget to carry his sleeping bag when he goes out to bat next time.

No-braina spent some time with the Coach today trying to figure out his technical flaws against the short ball. He has scheduled a session tomorrow at Trent Bridge before the game against SA. He is still confused about how he has transformed almost overnight from a left-handed Bradman to a left-handed Little John.

After breakfast today morning, Kakdi and Coach were locked in a 2-hour meeting. It was just the 2 of them to start with and were later joined by the bowling & fielding coaches, the trainer and the manager. It seems Kakdi wants to opt out of the WI one-day series that follows this championship. He’s just not in the right frame of mind, he says. The Coach is trying to persuade him to stay as it’s just a short tour and will be over even before they realise it’s started. With Sheru out, there isn’t anyone really to replace him as captain. And the last thing that the Coach wants is Prince leading the side. Kakdi is still undecided and will let him know of his decision by Wednesday. He also knows that he can’t take the captain’s seat for granted any longer. Although, to me it seems that it’s not really much of a consideration for him.

Coach has already started making his tour report. He has a special chapter on Prince’s fitness level. The trainer’s backing him up with hard facts around his double chin, pot belly, thick skin and an even thicker head. The trainer and the fielding coach are still debating on what it will take for this mass of lump to change its course once it starts moving in one direction, most notably seen in the field yesterday off the last ball.

It’s curtains for The Blues for now. They play their last consolation game tomorrow at the same venue where they had their last victory. Hopefully, time out will be spent reducing large circumferences, larger egos, opening up their minds to reality, and realising that the higher the rise the greater the fall. I also hope that this acts as a wake up call for all supporters of the Blues, including me, who were far too arrogant to have anticipated a situation such as this. I think yesterday at the Lord’s, the Blues’ supporters cut a very sorry figure when they booed the Queen Bees as they walked into the field. The Queen Bees later confirmed that their reception at the hands of the partisan crowd at their Home charged them up. I hate to say it, but we deserve this result.

Amen!

‘Morning Blues. This is your wake up call.

Well, well, well. Who would have imagined this scenario going into the second weekend of the championship? The Dicks are out. The Blues are fading. And the Weapons have tried every Self Destruction method in their book – dropped catches, sprayed the ball around, made fools of themselves – and yet have all but found their way to the semis. Stranger things have happened in life, but this one sure takes me by surprise.

The Blues have lived a lifetime in the last 24 hours. Last night, after the match, they all seemed to be a bit too cocky, especially the batsmen. Even the younger guys were seemingly nonchalant, showing a false facade of bravado, giving excuses like, “nothing worked today”, “one of those days”, “off-day”, (and the one that I hate the most which is fast turning out to be the most abused term in cricket these days), “I played my natural game”. Dude, you got things a bit mixed up in your head. Your natural game should be ‘not getting out’, and not ‘getting out to stupid shots’. You have two choices. Either you learn this on your own or you can have this drilled into your head by the Blues supporters. I am sure they’ll oblige. Ask any Blues’ player who went to West Indies in 2007 for a first-hand experience. Anyway, despite the cocky exterior, they remained indoors last night, which was surprising given that this was Friday night in London with no game the following day.

What I hear is that they woke up Saturday morning wondering what really happened the previous night. Surprise, surprise. They showed up and they didn’t win. The news seems to be finally dawning on them that they need to do more than just show up. Throughout the tour, the team training sessions have been optional. 5 players had turned up for the session one day before the last match. Surprisingly, the training session today was scrapped. Fetching the ball from the boundary in the last match must have been extremely tiring, I presume.

Spent some time in the team hotel today evening. And reading between the lines, the body language and interpreting some non verbal cues, I get the feeling that these guys are a bit on the edge now. Reality seems to be finding its place in a little corner inside their heads. The turn of events has taken them by surprise and they seem nervous about the repercussions of another “off-day of playing their natural games”. The smiles on their faces are betraying more emotions than what’s obvious.

So from brash over confidence on friday night, to bemused amazement on saturday morning, to nervous anxiety on saturday evening, their lives seem to have turned half a circle.

The Weapons from Al Pakeezah, on the other hand, are Free Wheeling into the Free Willy world. Why not? They deserve to. Most of their guys were seen crossing the street opposite The Ritz in Piccadilly. They split into 2 groups after that. The bigger group made their way into Mahiki while a smaller group of 3-4 entered the Gentleman’s Club called Mayfair Club. I believe they are still there as I write this at 1.45 am London Time.

Let’s get it straight

Some of us learnt quite early in our lives that, even in an emergency situation, you don’t piss in your backyard. In fact, you scale the wall and piss in your neighbour’s backyard. But, never in your own. Unfortunately, some people didn’t learn that. Even more unfortunate is that they ended up joining the Indian news media.

Why else would you have the entire Indian news contingent trying to create a problem where none exists? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the Blues and there are no camps or anything of that sort. The only pretender to the throne was the Prince of Patiala, who has also accepted his fait accompli after IPL. As far as the Kakdi-Sheru situation is concerned, Sheru’s shoulder is not match ready. The only point of contention was whether he should stick around with the squad hoping that his shoulder will recover towards the second half of the tournament or not. Sheru felt that he could stick around and Kakdi didn’t. Kakdi also feels that Sheru didn’t completely disclose the extent of his injury and isn’t quite happy about it. Eventually, given the form that Ghati Baba has shown in the tournament, the team management decided that Sheru will be eased off. And that’s where I think the matter, and Sheru, should rest.

But one thing’s for sure. This thing’s really got the cucumber boiling. His reactions these days are less like the Captain Kakdi aka Cool Dude that we know & love and more like the Lordie, whom also we know & love. We have all seen him in press conferences recently. But yesterday, some of us were privy to a rather un-Kakdi like reaction. Rain had delayed the start of the game. Kakdi was on the balcony, his usual, easy going, jovial self. Until, one spectator from down below shouted, “Kakdi, Sheru ko kya hua”. Looks tell a story, but Kakdi’s look was telling an epic. The pictures show him before the jibe from the spectator (top pic) and after (bottom pic. Kakdi is in the background as he moved back after the comment/question). I think it’s best for our team that we stop this nonsense and support them in whatever way we can.

Teri Maa Ki’s (TMK’s) ghost refuses to leave the Dicks. Three of their sponsors – Victoria Better, Johnnie Runner and Wolf Bass – all alcohol brands if you have noticed, have joined hands and are asking the Dickland Board some uncomfortable questions. Was TMK drunk or was he ‘just drinking’? If he was ‘just drinking’, is it really that big a crime and is this the message they are sending to the sponsors’ consumers? After all they have no qualms about taking money from Alcohol companies, wearing their logos on their chests, and actively encouraging the rest of the world to hit the bottle, then why this hypocrisy? The question that the rest of the world is asking is why is a Dicklander being punished for being a Dick?

The Blues play tomorrow. Seeing them go about their work yesterday, a few things are pretty clear. No-Braina had walked out of the pavilion with the openers and walked straight into the dug out. So, if a wicket falls within the first 6 overs, No-Braina would go in at No. 3. After the first 6 overs, we saw a padded up Kakdi walking into the dug out. So, if the first wicket falls after the 6th over, he comes in at No. 3 and nudges his way through the innings, which is a good thing cos he can’t hit those big ones these days anyway. And the XI that played yesterday is the ‘A’ team for the tournament. No changes are expected unless there are some serious form or injury issues.

It’s been a hectic 3 days. Tuesday at Lord’s, Wednesday early morning train to Nottingham. 2 days, 4 matches and no internet access in Nottingham. Train ride back to London, which is where I am now. Thankfully, I stay in London till Tuesday when I head back to Trent Bridge for the Blues’ last Super Eight game. The Championship’s now in the real stage. Hopefully, we’ll see some kick-ass action. And while the world’s best cricketer’s slug it out, the Limp Dicks hang around in cold, windy, rainy Leicester…doing nothing. Serves them right, as most would say.

Confusion reigns Al-Pakeezah

True to their name, the Weapons of Self Destruction – Al Pakeezah – are at it again. Captain No-Use Khan (earlier known as Bhindi) and Coach are arguing and babbling like 2 teenaged girls fighting over one guy. Their team meeting before the all-important game against the Oranges was all about the two of them contradicting each other, giving arguments countering the others’ point of view, and trying to prove who’s the boss. Basically, confusing the hell out of the rest of the 14 guys, who’s combined IQ doesn’t add up to 140. Imagine the plight of people like Kumar Bull. God gave them enough brains to just about follow one simple point of view. They are used to intructions like “Take ball, bowl at stumps”. Any extra information leads to wides and no-balls. Now they are in the highly unenviable position where they need to decipher an argument, understand what makes sense and then decide their own course of action. For this bunch of AK-47s, this is as tough a task as sending Man to Moon.

To summarise the arguments between captain and coach: No-use Khan wants the failed warlord to open, the coach doesn’t. Coach wants Mr. Missed-Bah-5-Runs to bat at 4, No-use doesn’t. No-use wants Left-arm-grenade-hurler to play, Coach doesn’t. No-use Khan wants Kumar Bull to open the bowling (or balling as he calls it), Coach doesn’t. No-use Khan wants Yasir Fatafat out, but Coach wants him in. All-in-all, the team’s approach is quite representative of their country’s in this case.

All of them have already come to terms with their future in the Championships. And now, many of them are eyeing the captaincy of the side. No-Use Khan has decided to give an ultimatum to his board to choose between him and the coach. He may resign from captaincy after they return to their country. He has years of experience to fall back upon, after all he has quit captaincy more number of times than he has led his country.

The Coach is backing Mr. Missed-bah-5-Runs as the captain. His argument being that he is intelligent, well-behaved, educated and speaks better English than No-Use Khan. At least he won’t make a fool of himself at the post-match interview even if performances on the field don’t change much.

Failed warlord is also eyeing the captaincy. He is proposing the idea of 2 separate captains for test matches and limited overs cricket. As if the team wasn’t confused enough already. The coach has told him to bide him time for the captaincy. After all, he has all the time in his hands. Last I heard, he was still 21 yrs old.

Am off to Lord’s now to see who’s calling the shots for this match – Captain or Coach. Or would they adopt a compromise formula where the Captain has his way with 2 decisions and the coach has his way for the others? We’ll know very soon.

Update

The Championship’s getting hotter even if the weather here isn’t. Calypso has proved once again that he’s worth every penny Dildo’s spent on him, just a few weeks too late for Dildo’s comfort I guess. And that knock from Calypso has rattled the Dicks and now there’s serious problems in the Dicks’ ranks. Yesterday, during training, their vice-captain Pilla spoke to Bablee about his bowling and Bablee had a lot of things to say to Pilla in return, not very flattering ones as one would expect. Most in the team continue to blame Pilla for TMK’s ouster. Pilla wants Bablee to be dropped and the offie to be included for today’s game, although Dickhead may give Bablee another run. Also, one of the fringe medium pacers is set to be replaced by another fringe medium pacer. Can changes get any more dramatic?

Confusion, instead of cricket, is the name of the game that the Weapons of Self Destruction (WSDs) – Al Pakeezah are playing. They probably thought that they have 3 warm up games instead of 2. After yesterday’s game, their left arm grenade hurler hurled abuses at his Captain – Bhindi Khan – for being left out of the side. Their other strike bowler – Kumar Bull – is also complaining about the constant changes in the field while he is bowling. Mr. Missed-by-5-Runs is a tad more polite and has softly told Bhindi Khan that he should be batting at No. 4 and not No. 7. Won’t be too long before others also join in. I think one more loss for them and the revolt in the ranks will be out in the open.

Talking about the WSDs, their run of bad luck seems to be following them even off the field. After the game last night, 6-7 of them made their way to an upmarket club in Soho that costs about 500 Pounds cover per table and is frequented by Football stars. They entered the place all wide eyed, made their way to the bar, leaned on the counter, looked around casually, trying too hard to be cool. A familiar sight really. A bunch of desi guys in a club trying to look cool, without realising that if they really were cool they’d already be with chicks. The leader of this pack was the failed warrior of their tribal region, who spends more time walking from and to the pavilion than in the middle. He’s the one who would approach the girls. Why he was chosen as the ring leader will remain one of the biggest mysteries to ever confront mankind. And with pick up lines like “Will you dance”, “Why you laugh”, “We are cool guys”, “You have spikes in your eyes” it’s not really surprising that they returned empty handed.

But there’s some comfort for the WSDs as some others have had even worse luck than them. 5 young boys from the Aloo Posto-Deem Sheddo team from our east, went out clubbing last night to prepare for their do-or-die knock out game. And knocked out they were after they entered the Village (pic on the right). They went in, ordered all their drinks at the counter, and then went further in where they thought all the action is. Once inside, the reality finally dawned on them that they were in a gay club. And they had to spend the next hour and a half inside the club finishing their drinks. The good news is that they were back well within the curfew like good school boys.

In London, one hardly gets to feel that a World Cup is on. Very few people here are even aware of the Championship. A far cry from the excitement that was palpable everywhere in SA when the IPL was on. As I stood outside the Oval yesterday before the first of the double-header, a car drove past asking the security person if Chelsea is playing today. Even the bookies think that an England-Kazakhstan football match is bigger than these Championships. Any guesses on how long before the IPL takes over the cricketing world?

Forget Private Ryan. Save Captain Kakdi Instead.

Talk about biting the hand that’s feeding you or killing the goose that’s laying golden eggs. The illustrious Blues’ cricket administrators have either never heard these tales or years of free loading has stuffed their heads with nothing but rotten cow dung. Just when I was thinking that the Blues’ future seams secure, they have taken the first step towards taking Blues’ cricket a few steps backwards, yet again.

Apparently, Captain Kakdi wanted to play this tournament as a specialist batsman. His fingers are sore, swollen, all bruised and patched up due to all the cricket he’s played over the last 2 years. And he believes that he commands a place in the side purely as a batsman as well. To my mind, that’s a very reasonable demand from a guy who’s taken Blues’ cricket to heights never seen before. But not quite so for the Big Asses who run the game. He’s been told that he doesn’t get in if he doesn’t keep wickets. Somewhere deep down they probably resent the fact that Captain Kakdi has become bigger than them in the eyes of the public. In their strange drug-induced reasoning, they believe that people stay up late nights to see these good-for-nothings in their pot bellies and ill-fitting safari suits at prize distribution ceremonies. I think someone needs to show them the mirror. Although finding a mirror to fit in their bloated egos will not be easy.

For now though, Captain Kakdi will play through the pain. And I sincerely pray that he comes back victorious, cos I am not sure what price he and Blues cricket may have to pay for a loss.

Blame the No. 4 slot

Teri Maa Ki (TMK) went out drinking and skipped training again. So, what? After all, his name is Teri Maa Ki and with a name like that you don’t expect him to behave like Vengirapu Venkata Sai Laxman.

Come on, let’s be honest here. The Dicks knew exactly what they were getting into when they picked him in the squad. All that the Dicks’ captain Dickhead hoped for is that TMK will stay out of major trouble like hanging from the hotel chandelier or running around naked. For the first few days though he was as good a Dickland citizen as is possible. He hardly ever spoke which meant hardly any profanities came out of his big mouth. But, it was also clear that he was climbing a very weak tree. The silent treatment he was giving everyone, especially the team’s vice-captain Pomeranian Pilla, wasn’t going down very well with people. But you can’t sack someone just because he isn’t speaking, can you?

So, what is the real problem. The real problem is something called Slot No. 4. A few days ago, Pilla had a heated argument with Dickhead on the batting order. Dickhead didn’t want Pilla in the middle order. He was clear that it’s either the opening slot or the bench. His choices for No. 4 and 5 were TMK and Pussy. Pilla wasn’t keen on opening and argued with his skipper on the issue. Eventually, it was agreed that Pilla will bat at No. 4 in the warm up game and his form will be assessed. During all this while, TMK kept quiet but wore a stupid smirk that annoyed Pilla no end. And as things turned out, Pilla did what he had to and earned his spot, while TMK sat around padded up watching his rightful place being snatched from him yet again. And true to his reputation, he went out drinking and during the binge he wasn’t quite discreet about his opinion of Pilla and the Dicks’ coach. Essentially, he put his Size 13 foot into his Size 1 mouth. And when you do that, it sure is gonna hurt.

Today, the team management confronted an unapologetic TMK. Dickhead still wanted a reconciliation and was hoping that the matter will blow over. But he was fighting a battle against Pilla and the Coach. Eventually, Pilla threatened that if TMK isn’t packed off, he will. The matter and the threat was reported to the Dickland’s CEO who then decided that TMK will return immediately. Most people in the team believe that TMK is going back partly because of himself, but mostly because of the No. 4 slot.

P.S. I am hoping that after this post, my friends in Delhi will finally learn that it’s not called Pomarian. And while I am at it I might as well tell them that it’s not called Labradog either.

It’s time!

I am back. I had to be back. The Championship is just about to begin. And, with the news that’s coming in from my different sources close to the teams, this will be one helluva championship. Very different from the last one where 12 national teams went against one another. This one’s about 3-4 teams going against ONE. This championship is as much about each team trying to win as it is about some teams wanting to ensure that the Blues don’t win.

Yes, it’s true! While everyone has pretty much accepted the financial muscle of the Blues, it’s their cricketing muscle that they can’t stand the sight of. And the Blues haven’t really been subtle about strutting their biceps lately, especially under Captain Kakdi. The First World of Cricket misses the good ol’ days when they could live off the Blues’ money and also kick their butts. Over the last couple of years, things have kind of turned around. Now, most times that they play the Blues, they tend to lose their pants in the process. And this stark nudity in the glaring sun is giving them sun burns in certain unmentionable parts of the body. It’s itching and itching real bad. The Blues have to lose whether we win or not. This seems to be the motto of the Championship in 2009.

Never before in history have the Blues gone into a World level tournament as overwhelming favourites. For the first time in 20 years, the Dicks of Dickland aren’t the overwhelming favourites. Al Pakeezah’s Weapons of Self Destruction (WSDs) blame the Blues for everything that happens to them including no cricket, no action, no money, no government, no brains, too much RDX. The Islanders, on the other hand, have believed since 1996 , that they are the Dicks of South Asia and want to be treated like one. The Queen Bees want to prove that Blue Money can’t buy their cotton flannels, bow ties, and fish & chips. All-in-all, this promises to be the mother of all wars, where Captain Kakdi leads his band of marauders to slam the final nail into the coffin of the Old Cricketing World Order.

I leave for Vilayat tomorrow for another round of under ground reporting, the way I see it and the way I observe. Whatever comes to my knowledge will be on the blog. What I see is what you get.

Let the war begin!

Awards Night and Farewell

While the IPL closing ceremony is on, I am pleased to share with you an exciting piece of news. IPL’s FIP Reader’s Choice Awards will be given in a glittering function at the Buckingham Palace Lawns on 4th June. The Queen and the Prince have declined their presence because of prior engagements. However, the rest of the glitterati are expected to attend the event in full splendour.

True to his style Saala Slimeball has already ordered for a gold coloured Shamiana studded with all sorts of stones. The brief is to make something more hideous than the trophy itself, which will take some doing I tell you. The Shamiana vala is currently busy slapping all the sponsors’ logos on gold sheets. All speeches at the event are sponsored by Sprite, which automatically disqualifies Slimeball from giving this customary Thank You speech. Kishen Kanhaiyya lost the job as soon as he said “I will be there like a tracer bullet”. And Nanny Horrible-son was, at the time, trying out his latest stunt of lifting 4 cheerleaders on his shoulders and 2 on his lap, and couldn’t muster up a good enough reply. The show will now be anchored by all Set Max anchors. Doesn’t get straighter than this as they know all TVs would in any case be on Mute.

As readers of this blog, you have the privilege of knowing all the winners well in advance because, well, you guys have picked them anyway.

IPL FIP’s READER’S CHOICE AWARDS

Pair pe kulhaadi Award:
Appam Chutiya for his marathon run after claiming wicket of Cool Dude and ruining own prospects in Indian team.
Contributed by Vimmmie

Best Dialouge in an action sequence:
Little John to Bookha Naan where Little John barges into his room and says “You say new pitch, but it’s old pitch. How you say how to do balling when you don’t know pitch.”
Contributed by Srikanth

Best motivational speech Award:
Prince to whole of Bubblies team referring to Appam “Attitude toh poora Masala Dosa type deta hai aur bowling Appam type karta hai”
The comment that changed Appam’s destiny.

Lifetime achievement Award:
Lordie (ahem! its a sign that its time to go home and rest those old bones)
Contributed by Ninaonia and Sandeep

OK Saabun ‘Sachmuch Kaafi Bada Hai’ Award:
RVR Singh aka Pamela Inder Singh
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Lux Cozy ‘Apna luck saath leke chalo’ Award: Kishen Kanhaiya
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Baazigar Award:
Appam Chutiya for proving that jeet ke bhi haarne wale ko chutiya kehte hain, for reasons mentioned in the first award.
Contributed by Anonymous

Haath mein aaya par muh na laga paaya Award:
Cool Dude (2nd time now!)
Contributed by Aar Jay

Most insightful commentator Award: (Jointly held)

Ramiz Raja for the comment on Amit Mishra:”Amit Mishra can spin the ball”

Mbwanga for the comment during the semifinals: “Chennai would like to win the match”

Alistair Campbell for “2 overs remaining. That’s 12 balls folks”

L Sivaramakrishnan:”These are crucial times. Last 10 overs”

(All commentators awards contributed by Sanks)

Aaj Tak Sabse Tez Award:
Lordie, the Agile Tiger (only after getting a wicket)
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Chutiyaap: Ye chhooney se nahin failta Award:
Appam Chutiya’s chutiyaap, else the whole Bubblies’ team would have been appams by now
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Order of the British Empire (OBE): (Thanks Tathagat)
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Colgate Last Laugh Award:
Phoren Babas

Sorry Dildo, you dont win any awards this year, so you can throw away that speech you wrote and rehearsed in the loo!
Contributed by Ninaonia

Lifetime Achievement Award Should go to FIP. coz i dont think u have achieved nethng bigger than this blog yet in ur life.! no offence!!
Contributed by Manan

@Manan: While you are spot on in your assumption of FIP’s achievements, but organisers and people associated with the award function aren’t eligible.

BEST PALTIBAAJ Award..to FIP for a 360degree change on backtracking from his decision to disclose his identity..
Contributed by Devilinside

@Devilinside: A 360 degree turn essentially brings you back to your original position, so where’s the palti my friend? Anyway, your mistake is ignored here since you too are the “devil inside”

(Also, please read Rahul D’s award list in the comments section (4th page). They are hillarious)

Anyway folks, IPL’s over. An extravaganza that’s successfully converted India’s cricket and entertainment economy into political power across the cricket playing world. A showcase of India’s economic prowess like none other. We’re happening and the world knows it. This IPL has been fun and we all know there’s more to come.

I will be away for a while now, but I will be back before you can say Blueberry Pie. Can’t tell you exactly when I will return though. But keep checking in once in a while and I may just surprise you.

Till we meet again, good bye and good luck.