Monthly Archive for April, 2009

Battle of the losers

Published on April 29, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 811 Comments

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo’s returned to India and I am pretty sure that’s the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.

We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather’s much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.

Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It’s almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.

The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn’t quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn’t in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.

Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker’s union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team’s performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he’d like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there’s very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything’s gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai’s been kept out becoz of Bhookha’s issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back – attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper’s had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can’t push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.

Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh’s camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister’s still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It’s not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.

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Hats Off to Bhookha Naan

Published on April 27, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 783 Comments

It’s very early in the morning here. Couldn’t sleep well the whole night. We are missing a few members of our family who have gone back home. It’s always painful to see some of your own being culled and I am not in any mood for humour.

But, I am in a very respectful mood. I have new found respect for Bhookha Naan and his coterie of ill advisors. I mean, their insight into the game is par excellence. They can see things that us mortals just can’t. To begin with they select Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger for a T20 tournament. That itself was genius. And then they sack them after just one inning each. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I thought they played just as all of us had always expected them too.
But, I think Bhookha must have seen something that we couldn’t and suddenly realised that they do not fit in. I wish I could fall at their feet and pray for enlightenment. Tell me, Oh my Master, what did you see in those 2 innings that you hadn’t known all along? What startling revelation was caught by only your eyes and nobody else’s? Tell me, please tell me, your enlightened soul, how do I see things beyond what is obvious?

Unfortunately, for Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger they are genuinely nice blokes and are generally liked by everyone – within and outside the team. But look at the Bubblies. They
have played a master stroke. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That’s enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open,
and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. SUperb! Superb!

May be Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger need to learn some of those tricks to stay in the squad. But, it’ll take them some time to do so. Becoz “impression ek din mein nahin banta”.

A few hundred kms away, the Bevdaas have problems of a different kind. Their rock star Peter Ka Beta, now known as Re-Peter, is all set to repeat their performance of last season. In fact, they may go one step better this time. What else do u expect when you sign on a star, make him captain, allow him to play only a few matches, forgive him forgetting his own players’ names, have fun at ur expense and then return home with a fat pay cheque. Some guys have all the luck, don’t they?

Somebody please teach the new age cricket bosses, that building a cricket team is slightly different from selling liquor or masala movies. It takes time, patience, clarity of thought, a sense of belongingness, a common sense of purpose, a clear strategy and much more. It’s like nurturing a family. In team sport, the team is not the management that creates the product. The team IS the product. Create the product as if it’s your own baby. And it will give you pleasure for a lifetime!

I rest my case. Thank you.

P.S. The dirty work of informing the said players was left to the hired top management of the franchise, although the decision was taken by the Phoren Babas. Everyone’s been instructed to keep their mouths shut on the issue, including the sacked players. But let me tell you, the players have not taken this culling too lightly. Mangal Pandey is especially pissed off. So far things are very muted, but an implosion is definitely on the cards. Can’t tell you more as many players are involved, some of whom are good friends of mine.

P.P.S. Now we have 11 Indians from whom 7 will be selected and 9 foreigners from whom 4 will be selected. Ratios and Proportions have taken an entirely new meaning for me. I am learning soooo much on this tour that it’s not funny.

P.P.P.S. Initially, I was concerned as I thought they have been sacked on suspicions of being me. But when they spoke to all of us, I was relieved that it has nothing to do with Fake IPL.

Big Match

Published on April 25, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 895 Comments

Our big match today. The team isn’t finalized yet, but we are unleashing a new weapon for Big Mac. You’ll know when u see it. Bhookha Naan has come out with the best strategy of all. We won’t have a batting line up. Anyone should be prepared to walk in at any point in time. I am guessing, even Little John will have his crotch guard and helmet on right from the first ball itself.

Durban was where all the action was last night. What else do u expect with the 2 Big Bs in the same city – the Bubblies and the Bevdaas. 330, that’s the name of the night club at Point Road Durban where the party shifted after the match. All the usual suspects were there. Bevdaa was there under the watchful eyes of Peter Ka Beta. They weren’t exactly in high spirits. Neither would you if you’d just had a cork opener stuck in yous ass by your boss, reminding you that every run you scored so far has cost him $250,000. The bubblies were celebrating Patiala style, Prince had his hands full and the pack gawked around awkwardly. RVR Sing, who seems to have got silicon implants between seasons, was showing off his twin sisters wearing a thin, tight t-shirt. Would somebody please tell him that men’s tits aren’t exactly considered sexy? And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who’s unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard saying, “Saale. Kiss-se panga le raha hai? Agar yeh thappad maarega naa toh rone laayak bhi nahin rahega”. Unfortunately, better sense prevailed and Appam wasn’t seen near PKB for the rest of the evening.

Btw, I read some comments and I hate to disappoint you. Little John is indeed scoring and I am not exactly talking about his performance with the bat here. So all you guys out there who can’t get chicks coz the way you look, think of a career change seriously.

P.S Word has it that with dropping TRPs, Sandy’s hemlines been going up. True?

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Emosional Atyachaar

Published on April 23, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 835 Comments

I am back guys! Things have been pretty tight lately. There’s been a crackdown. Every player is looking over his shoulder. Nobody knows who I am. But I exist, right within them, right next to them. Every breath they take, every move they make. I am watching! And they know it. And they are scared. They are worried.

Now on to the cricket. What a match we had last evening. Lordie almost saw us through. After the match Dildo came down and chatted up with us. I think his IPL dreams are going up in smoke, and this time he ain’t doin’ the smokin’. Everyone was pretty down, most of all Lordie. He appeared really pissed after the match, I mean, so pissed that we had to wear the crotch guard near him. He didn’t quite scream and shout at anyone, but he was chillingly terrifying. Dildo shook hands with Lordie, exchanged a few words, but Lordie didn’t seem to respond too warmly. But, you know what, you got to hand it to the Sheikh. The man’s always thinking ahead of the rest. Imagine opening the bowling with Sheeghra-Patan when Calypso is on strike, and giving the super over to Akram Azam. Takes balls man. I think the difference b/w the two teams really boils down to leadership on the field. While the Sheikh controls the game from the ground, our game is controlled remotely. In a crunch situation, you can’t be looking to the stands for inspiration, right?

Team meetings had already become quite secretive over the last few days. Our 11 was announced about 20 minutes before the toss. Some of the guys being dropped made sense, but the ones replacing them baffled me. I can understand that you drop Shakespeare in a T20, but replacing him with Ganji Hanger makes no sense to me at all. It’s almost like discarding a scooter because it’s too slow and buying a moped instead. And I wonder how Kaan Moolo improved his cricket so fast to make yet another comeback. I have a feeling, he would be making comebacks even when my grand children are watching cricket. I was happy to see Chintu Singh in the squad though. He is young, talented, very accurate and regularly troubles even Calypso in the nets. I felt Lordie wanted either him or Little John to bowl the super over. And for when we were batting, Lordie was all ready to go in himself. He was all warmed up and stroking well and any man with half a brain would’ve sent him. But hey! In the era of IT, you got to go with what the laptop says, right? I am not sure how much the Sheikh owes his cricketing acumen to his “laptops”, tho’.

For tomorrow’s game, our fast bowlers spent time with Candy Nickle discussing Big Mac. He’s the big threat. We still don’t know our XI for tomorrow. But, since I haven’t been blogging lately, I had a lot of time to play captain..er… sorry…Coach. I’d bring in the reserve keeper for his lower order batting skills. Remember last season? But, I doubt if he will get in coz the coach’s laptop had crashed a few months ago, and all data from last season was lost.

Another sitting with the broadcasting folks has brought out some interesting facets of how thing’s work out here. Being right here, I can tell you that the grounds are pretty sparsely filled, especially during the first inning. But the broadcasting team has been told to keep talking about the excitement and the fever at the ground. The camera men have been instructed not to pan towards empty stands. And the producers keep telling the spectators to scream and shout when the cam pans to them. I don’t know what you guys sense on TV, but watching it from here, the so-called ‘excitement’ and ‘energy’ seems even faker than this blog. And the production staff has all the gossip. News is that the Sandy Maddy Babe bet is off, as more than one is claiming to have won. The joker, (the anchor mentioned in my previous post) is the butt of all jokes within the broadcasting team. There’s an assembly line of jokes on him and his knowledge of cricket. Apparently, when asked where long leg is, he pointed at Big Sister. I wonder if pointed at Dildo when asked abt Short Leg. News from the Bevdaas is that the Bevda has told Batlivala that his forced dry spell is responsible for his dry spell in the middle. Come on guys. You didn’t sign him on based on how good a Catholic he is, right? Let the bloke have his two drops of poison and score some runs for you.

Finally, blogging through SMSes was getting too tedious, tardy and fraught with risk. So, I have quit doing that. I have a new partner in crime. Can’t tell much abt him right now but he has introduced me to a technology which allows me to keep posting with minimal risk. This time round I won’t disclose my modus operadi as it may expose my partner. I have sworn to maintain his secrecy even if I am caught.

Laterzzz gentlemen.

P.S. I saw some of the comments. Let me tell you that I don’t twitter so the ID is fake. I am not on orkut or facebook. The only place where you find the Real Fake IPL Player is here.

Experiment flopped

Published on April 22, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 1,187 Comments

Alright, the last blog was experimental. Me relaying the info to bro, who uses all his creative skills at hand to post it. Looks like it turned out quite crappy, as expected. So, its back to the painful ol’ days of keying it all in.

Been watching a fair bit of today’s game. And boy, now I know what you guys have been subjected to all these days. The joker anchoring the show was funny without intending to be so. At least Sandy Baddy Babe has a few tricks up her sleeve to distract the viewer from what she says. But this bloke had absolutely nowhere to hide. And god knows what nasty thing he did to his barber to get such a hair cut. The only saving grace was his really high IQ. He asks Ross Taylor, “Are you happy that your team has lost the toss?”. Whatever Taylor answered was certainly not enough as our man whipped out his next thunderbolt: “Are you happy that you are not in the team today?”. Dunno what answer he expected…”Yes, mate. Who doesn’t want to get paid for just sitting around?”

Now to our team. We had a team meeting but hardly anything of note was discussed. Looks like things are secret until the mole is caught. Most guys in contention have been asked to be prepared. Lordie was there in the meeting, although he didn’t speak much. We don’t know the XI and I don’t expect more than possibly one change.

P.S. Enjoyed RP’s i’view ;-)

BubLee aur Babli

Published on April 22, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 205 Comments

(Passing news from the Bubbles camp. Please sing to the tune of Bunty Aur Babli)

Are u ready, sit down,
Let me tell you a lil story,
’bout 2 cool cats,
yeah, BubLee aur Babli,
comin’ at an angle,
that they hotter than the rest,
when ya look at them,
them do pass the test.

them do pass the test

Don’ t look back,
He’ s comin’ into attack,
He’ s takin’ it side by side,
He’ s takin’ it front to back,
He’ s takin’ it all around the world,
Never, never will he stop this
BubLee!

Pun – ja – bi
She be fakin’ it with Bunty,
She be havin’ it with BabLee,
She be doin’ it dirty,
She be on a mission, she be livin’, she be killin’,
She be Babli!

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
They are having a lot of fun,
When Bunty is on the run,
Oh – ho oh – ho

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
It’s so much fun to do it
When Bunty’s payin for it
Oh – ho oh – ho

and 2gether they ride
chori, chori tonight
2gether they hide
chori, chori, tonight
2gether they ride, 2gether they hide,
2gether they fly, into the sky,
2gether they rise above the world,
2gether they return, chori chori everynight

BubLee aur Babli,
BubLee aur Babli,
They are having a lot of fun,
When Bunty is on the run,
Oh – ho oh – ho

Oh – ho oh – ho

Oh – ho oh – ho

Oh – ho oh – ho

Oh – ho oh – ho

“Oh – ho oh – hoOh – ho oh – hoOh – ho oh – hoOh – ho oh – hoOh – ho oh – hoOh – ho oh – ho!”
- Bunty

This team rocks

Published on April 22, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 194 Comments

The best thing about being part of this team is that it’s never short of any excitement. News is that the team management and the Phoren Babas think that Lordie is Fake IPL. Apparently, he was called into the CEO’s room where Dildo, Coachie, and Skipper, politely asked him about it. But, they forget that this is THE LORD OF THE RING they are dealing with. The man who has punched every possible cricket establishment in the face and continues to live by his own rules. Lordie would have nothing of it and walked off in a huff using the choicest words possible. After that, the camp’s divided again. Lordie is kind of on his own. Most fringe players think that it’s better to align with the New Order.

Btw, too much has been made out of Lordie being kept out of team meetings. He wasn’t kept out. It wasn’t a meeting. It was just one of the several times that the Phoren Babas and their little balls hang out together, Lordie finds his own company and others like me wander around hoping that someone would pull us into their camp.

The team management is tracking this blog carefully. They have identified 12 members of playing/non-playing staff who are beyond suspicion. Every body else is a suspect until the real one is caught. Someone even mentioned that there’s a reward on for anyone who catches the me red handed. May be they should install CCTV cameras in the bathrooms… Hmmmm… I am sure Dildo will enjoy that!

P.S. I am unable to check comments so can’t respond to them. But my bro tells me that some of you have been complaining about me deleting comments. Let me clarify, that no comments have been deleted by me so far.

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Morning Training report

Published on April 22, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 129 Comments

Finally some good weather. Team is upbeat after y’day’s win. Lordie seemed very focused during training. He actually ran, and almost as fast as he did yesterday after taking the wicket! Little John skipped as it was optional training. I can understand it, he is after all a fast bowler and he def needed some time off after the “intense workout” he must have had last night. This is what I love abt top sportsmen. No matter how gawky u look or how sqweaky u speak, u still get the chicks. Dildo made an appearance at training. I can sense cold vibes b.w. Dildo and Lordie. I think if Lordie scores some runs now, he will have a jibe at Dildo. Am waiting… ;-)

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Players love it

Published on April 22, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 152 Comments

Players luv the blog. Y’day, after the match each & every player read it, incl yours truly ;-) . Apparently, players of all teams are reading it. Appam Chutiya’s name is now cast in stone as his own players are also calling him that. Haha. This is fun. Btw, most players in my team think that this is Coachie himself. They credit him with far too much smarts than he deserves. More ltr.

When the going gets tough

Published on April 22, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 60 Comments

In Cape Town. Laptops hv bn banned. I’net removed fm rooms. But posts wl continue thru SMS, relayed by my bro in India. Tc