Battle of the losers

Published on April 29, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 816 Comments

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo’s returned to India and I am pretty sure that’s the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.

We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather’s much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.

Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It’s almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.

The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn’t quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn’t in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.

Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker’s union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team’s performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he’d like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there’s very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything’s gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai’s been kept out becoz of Bhookha’s issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back – attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper’s had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can’t push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.

Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh’s camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister’s still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It’s not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.

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