Load shedding! The word I heard a lot as I was growing up in Cal. It has happened right here in Cape Town. One of the lights went out and they were trying to fix it. Imagine. The whole day it rained. When the rain stopped the lights went out. Shit! That meant our owner Dildo came over to the dug out and ate our heads out. With all that attitude, jumping around, hugging, stupid jokes, pep talk etc etc. The most excited was our new buddy from Bangladesh. Clicking pictures with the star.
The light’s almost fixed now. I will rush back. And guys! A big surprise. I am sending this from the Coach’s laptop. The guy roams with a global internet sim card, all charged to Dildo bhaiyya! Haha. Mr. Gavaskar, pls write about this…
It’s 2.45 pm here. We were supposed to leave for the ground at 2.45 pm. Most of us assembled at our hotel lobby at 2.30 as scheduled. We waited on for 10 minutes for the big boys to arrive. Then Mr Kaan Moolo, the former India fast bowler who built his career sucking the lord’s dick told us that there’s been a change in plan. Now, we will leave at 3.15. So, we are back in our rooms. Apparently, Vinnie Dildo (our owner) is here. He is sitting with the coach, phoren babas and Lordie himself. I wonder if Little John’s little act of mutiny has anything to do with it. For now, we just sit around twiddling our thumbs.
It’s still raining here. I can’t see how we will get a game… As for me, I am looking forward to seeing Preity Zinta from closer quarters. Wanna see if her skin really glows the way it does on screen… I have the hots for her.
I don’t know if I’ll get to post before the match now. But I am carrying my laptop in my kit. If I get a connection there and if nobody’s watching, I may just slip in a post.
Till then…alvida!
Guys, the first sign of dissent against the New Order. Not surprisingly, the one Indian who can take his place for granted in our line up has stood up. During our meeting when our jackass coach was telling our fast bowlers on how to bowl at the Pedophile Priest, he had said that we will play on a new wicket and hence the ball will have carry etc. But now it turns out that we are playing on the same wicket that was used for both matches yesterday. I had gone to the room of our fast bowler Little John. His state-mate was also there. Little John was hopping mad at how the coach hadn’t even done his home work and was misguiding us. I asked him how does his affect his strategy. He blabbered something like “strategy kya hai yaar, lekin pata toh hona chahiye na ki pitch kya hai”. Little John says that his very very special friend Ram, who is playing against us today, mentioned it off-hand expecting us to know this already. After that Little John barged into the Coach’s room and let loose. I can only imagine Little John standing in front of our equally little Coach and screaming in his wierd, hoarse voice, “You tell new pitch. But it’s old pitch. How you tell how to do balling when you dont know pitch”.
It’s still raning guys… We may not get a game
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Just out of the team meeting held in the Coach’s suite. Skipper did most of the talking. He is opening with the Calypso King. Lord Almighty is at No. 3. Some bull-shit about using his experience to guide the middle order, similar to what the other 2 of the troika did yesterday. Lord sat there straight faced. Didn’t say much. Didn’t smile at all. I was standing at one corner straight across the Lord. And given my height and stature I can go quite unnoticed. I was observing the Lord carefully, each twitch of his eyes, every movement of his thumb, his gaze. He is very unhappy and uncomfortable. Being treated like this in front of his bacchas.
Btw, I can see from my window that the rain’s getting harder. I wonder if we’ll get 2 matches in today.
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This is a quick one A little birdie just told me that the Sheikh of Tweak tried to get over yesterday’s defeat by diving into 3 pairs of mammary land. As per reports, the 3 angels surrounded him after the opening ceremony and the 4 left together for the Sheikh’s hotel. The Rajputs, Sheikh’s team, didn’t train today morning and the Sheikh wasn’t seen at breakfast either.
We have just returned from our morning training session. It was a good session. Everyone turned up. And everyone was serious. Lord Almighty was as serious as I have ever seen. RDB was bowling short at him and at his rib cage. Lord handled it quite well, mostly. Once or twice he did get caught up with his technique though. Lord practiced his inside-out shot over cover a lot. I remember, way back in 2001, he had slaughtered an international pace attack in the one dayers hitting over covers for sixes. He knows he needs to stamp his authority over the team and the tournament. He wants to teach Dildo and the Phoren Babas a lesson for messing with him. Especially after the other two who form the troika with him scored 50′s yesterday guiding their respective teams to victory.
After the session, the new skipper gave us a pep talk. He talks well though, and seems committed. Our coach, the professor, is quite a bore. I just don’t understand what goes through that head of his. In fact, I don’t understand a word he says. But I like the new skip. He seems to be a good man. He wants to win. But I don’t think he knows my name yet. And the Lord… well… he smiled to me yesterday. I am not sure who’s side I will take. Well, whoever gives me a game in this IPL will have my loyalty forever.
Last night inauguration was quite a bore. I enjoyed the 2 songs performed by Snow Patrol and the laser show was ok. Rest of it was quite a bore. The players just stood in the middle chatting amongst themselves. Prince Charles of Patiala was cracking lewd and stupid jokes about the skimpily clad girls who were performing. And the fringe players in his team were laughing so loudly that I thought they will call off the ceremony because of that. Not that his jokes were funny. It’s just that you got to laugh at the boss’ jokes if you want to be in the side. Btw, the bevdaa who got out on duck yesterday almost hit the bottle after the ceremony before his team management wisked him away. I think they have put 3-4 bodyguards around him to keep him away from the bar…Hahaha… My former school team mate is playing with the Bevdaas. Before the opening ceremony I went up to him to congratulate him. Apparently, the Bevdaas owner Mr. Batlivala had sent him man into the dressing room between innings. And his displeasure with the batting display was conveyed in no uncertain terms to the team. Apparently, the threat was quite real. Also seen before the opening ceremony was our Lord Almighty in an intense chat with the Little Monster. I think he was venting his frustration with Vinnie Dildo and the Phoren Babas.
I think the Lord is under pressure. Our team for today is still not announced yet. But, I think it’s clear that Lord is playing and also opening. He will probably be joined by the Calypso King while the new skipper will come lower down. Strange decisions. If you don’t have the Lord as captain, no point keeping him in the team either. Coz he can’t outrun even a tortoise. If I am in, at least I’ll save some runs even if I dont score more than him. Anyway, thankfully the team doesn’t trust me to serve drinks or carry messages either. So, I will just put up my feet and enjoy a good game of cricket from the best seat in the stadium.
Will write again as soon as the team’s decided.
Cheers.
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We have reached the stadium for the opening ceremony. Our owner Mr. Vinnie Dildo is here with his ravishing wife (My…she’s hot) and his son. Haven’t seen the rest of his bumchums yet… We are in one of the boxes and there’s a laptop here with wi-fi connection in the stadium…WOW! I thought I must blog from here, it’s kind of exciting… The guys sitting here have no idea that the world has a mole inside IPL…ME!
Lord Almighty just walked past me. He nodded at me and acknowledged my presence, for the first time I think. That’s a start. He has been kind of insecure since yesterday when he was stripped of his captaincy. He is trying to gauge who all are in his side. Most of us are just plain confused. We are just playing the middle path… me, keeping myself at a distance from both parties – Lord Almighty and the Phoren Babas. Others, however, are sucking up to both… Haha!
Looks like the Bevdaas have pipped the champs. Way to go boys. I can see the Bevdaa’s owner Mr. Batlivala grinning from ear to ear. You can actually see his teeth through his moustache and bear. Our owner’s looking quite dashing in his formal suit and tie. I wonder if all those rumours about him are true or not. If they are true, may be Lord Almighty should keep his door unlocked tonight to get back his captaincy. But again, this bit of politics does add some colour to our otherwise lacklustre team….
Got to go guys. The Bevdaas have won. Now on to the opening ceremony. Cheers!
It’s close to 5 pm here. The first match just got over. Mumbai Indians played like champs and won. But there’s all sorts of tension in our hotel. My roomie tells me that Lord Almighty may not get selected in the 11. And as I went to confirm this with our opening bowler, my state-mate and long-time friend, he says that Lord Almighty has decided to return to India. I don’t know what to believe and what not to. And if the team’s 16th man like me can get affected by this, I am sure the others are getting severely affected. What was Winnie Dildo thinking before ditching his skipper in favour of the coach. A coach who nobody other than this guy believes in. The day we had landed in SA, I was sitting at the bar with my teammate, the young former India player who will remain a former India player, the Sheikh of Tweak was also at the bar counter. He was chatting up one giggly, sexy twenty-something. And as a way to impress her, he was cracking jokes on our Phoren coach (someone he had played under a few yrs ago). In fact, he even said that if our coach had done a better job of picking up the balls after nets, they would have won the Ashes a few yrs ago. (Apparently, their main bowler – called a sparrow or parrot or something – slipped on a ball during nets, injured his ankle and flew back).
Anyway, back to our team. It seems Lord Almighty has some deciding to do. And so do our Phoren Babas. As I speak, the Bevdaa Team has elected to bat against Big Sister’s team. I think the Bevdaa Team owner has played a master trick. He has about 6 bevdaas in his side. And this time he is not serving free beer. It seems the latest bevdaa is going to spend all his IPL money on his owner’s beer.
Back to our team…again… as I write this, 3 of our players – our backup keeper, our frontline bowler, and our former Indian player – are in Lord Almighty’s room. And our Phoren Baba duo has been joined by our Calypso King in one room. I wonder what they might be discussing! We shall know all about it tomorrow morning at breakfast. And guess who will be the first to report on it…He he he…he he he… he.. hehehe…..
We returned from our practice session today just in time to see the first toss of the IPL. Lord Almighty, who till the other day was our skipper, paid a visit for training. He came, he saw, he jogged and returned. The Coach and new skipper have hit it off well. Lord Almighty mostly ignored them and the emotion was reciprocated. Most of us, fringe guys, don’t know what to do about the new power situation. We have worshipped Lord Almighty all our lives. And suddenly, he is just one of us. And we have new rulers, with accents to boot. Our owner, Mr. Vinnie Dildo, seems to think that the Phoren Babas will get him the IPL, something that Lord Almighty couldn’t do earlier. Little does he know that we will do as well as we did last time round. It’s just that we shall have more fun this time round as we are in South Africa. The established players have already started having fun, and the rest of us are hoping that as time goes by some of their crumbs will fall by our bed sides.
We assembled in the room of one of our team mates – a former India player who will remain a former India player for the rest of his career – to watch the toss. Last year, I saw some of the matches sitting in the crowd. This time round, seems like stadiums wont be as packed as last time. But at least the cheerleaders are hotter. Our own Kishen Kanhaiyya commentator will surely agree. During last night’s carnival, he had quite a blast. At least the cheerleaders have cheered someone up. As the room got more and more crowded and bottles of beer started tumbling out, I decided to go to my room and post this blog. As I type this, a dog has made way to the middle. Moves pretty fast, this dog. Faster than Lord Almighty at least.
More later guys. Wanna catch a wink or two before they get the dog out.
Well, I am the perennial no hoper. In fact, the only time I had hope was when I played for my school. They thought I might make it to the test side one day. Well, made it to the Ranjis, but never beyond. And this time round, am part of the IPL. Actually, I am not too sure why I am here. The team’s full of super stars and all I do it bowl a bit, bat a bit, and field like a maniac. But, there’s one thing I do very well. Serve drinks. And that’s what I am expecting do in South Africa. As I said, I am a no hoper. And have no hopes of getting a match in IPL.
One good thing about the IPL money is that I have bought myself this thing called MacBook Pro. My cousin tells me that it’s the best. As for me, I am still trying to figure it out. This doesn’t have a left click/right click, the icons fly past you like a film. But it looks great. As I said, I am a no hoper. And I dont think I will manage much beyond surfing the net.
The other good thing about the IPL is that I can see all these big shots from pretty close range. My team has a superstar captain…err sorry… ex-captain. We have a megalomaniac as our owner. Our coach comes with loads of attitude and baggage. Some of our international players are interesting characters. Unfortunately, our biggest international player has dropped out this time. Otherwise, the scenes would have been even more interesting.
And throughout the IPL, I will be bringing to you the “aankhon dekha haal”, right from inside the dressing room, meeting room and players’ bedrooms 
.
Let the games begin!
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