This and that

This will probably be a quickie. No, no. Not the type that the Sheikh prefers. I meant this will be a short and quick post.

The hunt for FIP has been renewed after a brief ceasefire. So, I can write only when I am absolutely safe and out of reach.

All of us have been asked to lay low with all the off-field controversies surrounding us. We have been directed not to speak with any media or give any statements or tell anyone outside the team about anything that may have happened in the past. So, that’s exactly what I am doing here.

Late last night, we were asked uh..actually requested… to assemble. All the Phoren Babas were there too. And they all spoke about how highly they regard India and India’s culture. They apologised for anything that may have been said in the heat of the moment. They said that they didn’t mean any harm and had nothing but absolute respect for everyone in the team. You know what, most of the Phoren Babas are nice and friendly. It’s just a small, tiny group that sucks. Unfortunately, they stick to Bhookha like some strange extensions of his male anatomy, and hence are very influential in the scheme of things. Btw, Dildo is in touch with Slimeball on the issue and there’s an attempt to hush up the matter.

Dildo has finally realised that changing (and then re-changing) the name on the advice of a famous bollywood numerologist is not enough to win the IPL. For that, you need a team of players. So, the inevitable will happen almost as soon as we return. Heads are certain to roll, irrespective of what’s being said in the press. The directive has come right from the top. Next year, our team will have a completely new look. And I am not talking about the jerseys here, which incidentally may also change. Hardly anyone who forms part of the management, support staff and team will be around next year. As I mentioned earlier, Sticky has confirmed his participation next year. Talks are on with another former Aussie player with very close ties with our city even as I write this. It seems bringing him on board will help assuage public anger. Also, Sticky has backed the idea of bringing him on. Which also means that Lordie may have no role to play next yr given his own relations (or the lack of it) with the new Messiah being brought in.

We haven’t got our return tickets yet, but the Phoren Babas are returning straight to their respective countries. No parties are being organised, as expected. Boy George has been summoned to Bombay. He will be asked to give the marching orders to everyone before he
himself is fired.

About our game, well, you all saw it so there really isn’t much that I can add. Except that nobody knows why the Emerald Pearl was chosen over Bangla Tiger. Bhookha has his own theories derived from some complex mathematical calculations done on his laptop. And given the results I am quite convinced that he uses pirated Microsoft software.

Losses don’t hurt as much now. We know that we have to stay here for only a few days more, earn our salaries and return to the comforts of home. Hopefully, with slightly inflated bank a/cs.

Actually, we are the happiest team in the tournament right now. We don’t have any more flights to catch as we continue to stay put. We don’t face any performance pressures like other teams do. The Phoren Babas are keeping their mouths shut given all the revelations. There are no more compulsory training sessions. This is now like a paid holiday. And the brightest part of our defeats? Dildo continues to stay in India.

I feel bad for the skipper though. He is a good guy, just at the wrong time in the wrong team. Kaan Moolo was particularly upset after yesterday’s loss. He knows this was his last attempt at redemption, last chance to correct the 10 years of torture he has inflicted on Indian fans. Little John was angry too, but he’s been angry for a while now, mostly attributed to his forced celibacy, reasons for which have been told earlier.

After the match, Skipper had a heated discussion with Bhookha. He made it clear that he isn’t going to the press conference alone. Bhookha was of the view that he is neither the coach nor the captain and has no reason to meet the press. It’s a captain’s job and the captain needs to do it. As they say, success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The altercation was way beyond Boy George’s diplomatic skills. A quick call was made to Dildo and Bhookha was told to accompany Skipper to the press conference.

Some of our players had already told the journos what to ask. And we were hoping that a solid interrogation will take place. Some questions were asked but on the whole the team feels that they got away quite easy.

Appam has confessed to his close confidantes that he isn’t quite enjoying his new internet stardom. And the fact that his teammates and even the public in SA is calling him Appam is hurting him a lot. He is blaming this blog and Prince’s comment for his poor performance yesterday. Btw, the Prince has told him to go easy on practice as he is unlikely to get another
game anytime soon.

Heard that the Sheikh has done his hammy. Although, I hear that the hammy doesn’t quite interfere with his off-field workouts. Kameez Pajama is still smarting at the rejection and how the whole world knows about it now. He has vowed to abstain from any masculine pleasures on this trip, which is a good thing given he didn’t have much of a chance anyway. Also, sometime during this tournament, (& my apologies for completely missing out on it), the Prince and Sandy Baddy Babe have renewed their long friendship. They have been seen together in clubs, hotel lobbies and corridors having long discussions on the finer nuances of the beautiful game.

There is news that a certain famous brand is suspecting a rival brand to have orchestrated this blog as a means to sabotage their own marketing effort. This brand is conducting a sting operation to catch the suspected rival brand red handed. Talk about pissing on the wrong tree.

Will write later my friends. But only when I am completely safe.

P.S. Thanks for the votes. Although, I tend to think that my humble request on voting principles hasn’t been strictly followed. But the number of votes is simply humbling. Thanks again!

P.P.S. This was meant to be a quickie but ended up being quite a long and exhausting one. Man, with each passing day I am becoming more and more like the Sheikh.