True to their name, the Weapons of Self Destruction – Al Pakeezah – are at it again. Captain No-Use Khan (earlier known as Bhindi) and Coach are arguing and babbling like 2 teenaged girls fighting over one guy. Their team meeting before the all-important game against the Oranges was all about the two of them contradicting each other, giving arguments countering the others’ point of view, and trying to prove who’s the boss. Basically, confusing the hell out of the rest of the 14 guys, who’s combined IQ doesn’t add up to 140. Imagine the plight of people like Kumar Bull. God gave them enough brains to just about follow one simple point of view. They are used to intructions like “Take ball, bowl at stumps”. Any extra information leads to wides and no-balls. Now they are in the highly unenviable position where they need to decipher an argument, understand what makes sense and then decide their own course of action. For this bunch of AK-47s, this is as tough a task as sending Man to Moon.
To summarise the arguments between captain and coach: No-use Khan wants the failed warlord to open, the coach doesn’t. Coach wants Mr. Missed-Bah-5-Runs to bat at 4, No-use doesn’t. No-use wants Left-arm-grenade-hurler to play, Coach doesn’t. No-use Khan wants Kumar Bull to open the bowling (or balling as he calls it), Coach doesn’t. No-use Khan wants Yasir Fatafat out, but Coach wants him in. All-in-all, the team’s approach is quite representative of their country’s in this case.
All of them have already come to terms with their future in the Championships. And now, many of them are eyeing the captaincy of the side. No-Use Khan has decided to give an ultimatum to his board to choose between him and the coach. He may resign from captaincy after they return to their country. He has years of experience to fall back upon, after all he has quit captaincy more number of times than he has led his country.
The Coach is backing Mr. Missed-bah-5-Runs as the captain. His argument being that he is intelligent, well-behaved, educated and speaks better English than No-Use Khan. At least he won’t make a fool of himself at the post-match interview even if performances on the field don’t change much.
Failed warlord is also eyeing the captaincy. He is proposing the idea of 2 separate captains for test matches and limited overs cricket. As if the team wasn’t confused enough already. The coach has told him to bide him time for the captaincy. After all, he has all the time in his hands. Last I heard, he was still 21 yrs old.
Am off to Lord’s now to see who’s calling the shots for this match – Captain or Coach. Or would they adopt a compromise formula where the Captain has his way with 2 decisions and the coach has his way for the others? We’ll know very soon.