Monthly Archive for February, 2011

Agent Viru Reports – Week Two

Published on February 28, 2011 in Latest. 12 Comments

Appeared in India Today Magazine, Feb 28

Saturday, February 19
It wasn’t easy getting hold of Agent Viru after his knock of 175 in the tournament opener against Bangladesh. Just short of midnight, though, I received his replies to my texts. And, they sure were worth the wait.

On how he got Sachin Tendulkar run out, Viru replied “Coach asked me to watch the ball. How can I watch the ball and the other batsman at the same time?”

On what it was like to bat for 47 overs, he texted “Life changing experience. Now, I know why Dravid and Gambhir have such long faces. The boredom of batting between overs 20 to 35 could make even Shah Rukh Khan look like a cow.”

Sunday, February 20
Agent Viru’s stated intention to bat 50 overs has sent bowlers in every team queuing for life insurance. One day before their first game, Mitchell Johnson said to Brett Lee, “Jeez, I didn’t think he was serious about it, mate. Any chance we may not crash out before facing him?”

Viru was not amused, though. “I am scared of Johnson. He is a smart man,” he said. “We Indian players only open restaurants. But he’s started Johnson’s baby powder. I used it on my son’s bums when he had rashes. See? Both his bowling and business involve him spraying it around. How smart is that?”

Monday, February 21
I caught up with Agent Viru in the coffee shop of ITC Gardenia, Bangalore where he was reading the Sri Lanka vs Canada match report. Without taking his eyes off the newspaper he confessed that for the longest time he had no idea countries like Canada also played cricket. “It turns out that even Canadians don’t know that,” a deadpanned Viru added.

Tuesday, February 22
One day after the Australia-Zimbabwe match, the Gujarat Cricket Association lodged a complaint against Australian captain Ricky Ponting for smashing a LCD TV in the dressing room after being run out. They are angry because they believe only their President, Narendra Modi, has the right to break unnecessary items like screens, cameras and the law.

When asked about it, Ponting initially claimed that he was in such good form that he was seeing the ball as large as a LCD screen and mistook the one in the dressing room for a ball. Later, smarter brains got together and drafted the official version. Apparently, the TV wasn’t working and Ponting simply tapped the top of the screen to get it started. “It’s not his fault that he’s built like Khalli and the TV like Ajit Agarkar,” the press release said.

Viru, on hearing of the controversy, looked concerned. “I hope Sreesanth doesn’t get fined for that smashed TV,” he told me.

Thursday, February 24
“What’s common between India in 2007 and Australia in 2011?” Agent Viru texted me early in the morning. “Greg Chappell,” promptly came the reply. The joke is now doing the rounds in every team.
Word has it that the Australian chief selector’s special liking for middle aged left handed batsmen will do to Australia what it did to India four years ago. Worse, Ponting believes so too and is said to have communicated some choice Australian pleasantries to Chappell after hearing about Michael Hussey’s recovery from the hamstring injury that kept him out of the World Cup squad.

Highlight of the week
Pakistan captain Shahid Afridi was spotted thinking. No one remembers when he was last seen doing that.

Hindi move buffs rejoice, the World Cup is here

Published on February 25, 2011 in Latest. 3 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here
Hindi movie buffs rejoice. The World Cup is here. If you’re looking for your daily Bollywood fix during the prolonged cricketing season, all you have to do is watch the World Cup. It’s going exactly to script.

1. The Hero
A Bollywood hero goes from rags to riches, fights villains single-handedly, proclaims eternal love for the heroine, challenges her rich dad, and delivers lines that get the front benchers hooting. Who else but Virender Sehwag? He said he wants to win the cup for Sachin, then he promised to bat 50 overs, and then single-handedly avenged past humiliation against the Bangladeshis. And for that lingering aftertaste of a classic action hero, he left us with lines like “I wanted to bat 50 overs but today I batted only 47,” and “Everyone played well, except Sreesanth”.

2. The Baddie
A Bollywood villain is a brash, unlikeable, rich dad’s son, who does obnoxious things and gets away by hiding in big daddy’s pocket. A bit like Ricky Ponting. Comes into the tournament as the defending champion, plays the first game against one of the weakest sides, gets run out for no one’s fault but his own, swears his way back, smashes a thing or two, and gets away, yet again, with a feeble excuse and a slight reprimand.

3. Heroine’s wealthy family
Usually comprising of daddy, uncle, and brothers who believe in filling up their coffers by exploiting the poor, cricket’s version has the ICC, BCCI and some of the ‘brotherly’ cricket boards. Watching the hapless Kenyans and Canadians was a bit like watching Nattha of Peepli Live again and again. Tricked into the spotlight with nowhere to hide, and being butchered by everyone for their personal agendas. If Papa ICC is cruel, can Chacha BCCI be far behind? Of the 33,000 tickets for the finals, only 4,000 will be available for general public. And they will have to risk life and limb to get those tickets, a preview of which was seen in Bangalore just a couple of days ago. There’s promise of more to come because picture abhi baaki hai…

4. Comedian
While comedy during the world cup was expected, it has come from the most unexpected quarters. England, by far the most boring team with the most colourless characters, has provided the greatest laughs by a series of misfields, overthrows and dropped catches. The best being Anderson and Pietersen looking at a skier, shaking hands under it, having a cup of tea and deliberating upon who should go for the catch. Eventually, they decided to let the ball fall to the ground. Casting England as the comedian is like casting Ajay Devgn in Golmaal. Who would have thought that face would make us laugh?

5. Item Numbers
In Bollywood parlance, hotties with strange men surrounding them. Switch to any news channel for a sample. There’s Rakhi Sawant, Veena Malik and, obviously, Mandira Bedi, flanked by Yashpal Sharma, Madan Lal, Syed Kirmani, Kirti Azad, Mohinder Amarnath and some other members of the 1983 world cup winning squad rendered unrecognisable due to passage of time.

6. The Heroine
Finally, the heroine, the one everyone’s after, the beautiful little thing for whom all this brouhaha is all about. The World Cup. Or, the cup that counts, as we have been told so many times that we have, in fact, lost count.

Agent Viru Reports – Week One

Published on February 24, 2011 in Latest. 8 Comments

Agent Viru reports from inside the Indian team. Appearing in India Today during the World Cup

Sunday, February 13
10.35 pm
Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bangalore

With my hands in my pockets I stood near the team bus, waiting for the Indian team to emerge from the dressing room. They had just thumped Australia in the warm up game and I expected a bunch of beaming faces to board the bus. In a few minutes, the players started strolling out, excited at the prospect of a night out in town. Sandwiched between them were the Captain and Coach, looking rather grim and thoughtful. And, behind them was my man, Agent Viru. Our eyes met and a half nod prompted me to stealthily walk closer to him.

“Kya hua Viru,” I asked. He said something in English which, putting mildly, was somewhat incoherent. “There’s something black in the pulses,” he repeated under his breath. Just before boarding the bus, he turned around and, with his fingers, signalled me the number 7.

Monday, February 14
7.00 am
ITC Gardenia Hotel, Bangalore

I saw Viru cringing at the sight of a bowl of cornflakes when I joined him at his table in the morning. Promptly, he updated me on the situation. Apparently, Kirsten Kaku and Dhoni Babu were locked up till late night worrying about what had happened in the warm up game. ‘What could be wrong?’ I asked. After all, India’s batting had performed true to form, Munaf had bowled fast and got dispatched faster, and Nehra had misfielded in ways more comical than his facial expressions. But, Piyush and Sree had bowled India to victory.

“That is the problem,” Viru said.

“How come the Australians made Sree look like Gillespie and Piyush look like Warne?” he asked. The Indian think tank, it seems, is exploring the possibility of this being an Aussie conspiracy to get these two in India’s starting XI.

“That’s what I don’t understand yaar,” Viru said. “If you pick a lucky mascot, why play him?”

“Lucky mascot?”

And then, Agent Viru showed me a facet of India’s selection process hitherto unknown to humanity. Apparently, Chairman Cheeka clashed with the captain over the 14th member of the squad, someone who wouldn’t play a game but would bring a lucky charm. Parthiv Patel, waterboy in the 2003 world cup, and Piyush Chawla, benchwarmer in the 2007 T20 world cup, were the two top contenders.

“If you play Piyush, it defeats the purpose,” Viru said. “In that case, they might as well have picked Joginder Sharma. At least we could laugh at him.”

Monday, February 14
4.15 pm
Bangalore Airport

Just before boarding the flight to Chennai, Dhoni called Praveen Kumar to wish him on Valentine’s Day. An emotional Praveen broke down. “How could you do this to me?” he asked. “I compared you with Obama and you call me just street smart? At least Mulayam Singh toh bolna than na.”

Tuesday, February 15
8.00 pm
Chola Sheraton Hotel, Chennai

Select players joined the coaching staff in the coach’s suite to discuss the first game against Bangladesh. Within fifteen minutes, though, the door opened and out walked a nonchalant Viru. I caught up with him in the elevator.

“How was the meeting?” I asked him.

He burst out laughing.

“They don’t even know which team we are playing against”, he said as he stepped out of the elevator. “They are talking about Abdur Razzak. Don’t they know he plays for Pakistan?”

When I reminded Viru that Bangladesh has a left handed bowler by the same name, he stopped short of his door and turned. “Right handed, left handed, whatever handed he may be, the ball is going only one place… Out!” Viru said before entering his room where a plate of aloo parathas waited for him.

Would you believe what they are saying?

Published on February 18, 2011 in Latest. 4 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror http://tinyurl.com/4mbtz4x

There’s a war on in Afghanistan. After Tunisia and Egypt, Bahrain and Iran are also now burning. North Korea is posturing with the US. And Sehwag plans to bat 50 overs. We are living in a truly violent era. But, if one was to read the signals coming out of the teams in this World Cup, one could so easily mistake this to be Satyug.

Where once an Imran evoked the famous Pathan spirit, a Steve Waugh preached mental disintegration, a Ganguly screamed ‘Now or Never’, and a Ranatunga finger wagged a nation into hysteria, players in this world cup are making comments which are at the best of times unintentionally funny and, at the worst, downright ridiculous.

1.Joker of the Chokers
As always a pre-tournament favourite and, as always, a favourite to exit the tournament in tragicomic circumstances, South Africa nominated AB De Villiers to send an aggressive signal to the opposition. And, “We are the opposite of chokers,” is the best he could come up with. Further, he cited examples that made listeners almost choke with laughter. It’s only later did everyone realise that in AB’s personal copy of the Thesaurus, the opposite of chokers is jokers.

2.When the helmet failed
Tillekaratne Dilshan made all the right noises talking about crowd support, home conditions, variety in bowling etc. But he undid it all by saying that the Dilscoop is safer than a forward defensive shot. Wasn’t he out playing that shot in a world cup final match…for a duck? Got a few hard knocks on the head playing that shot, Mr. Dilshan?

3.Time for another switch hit
Kevin Pietersen spent weeks watching the Indian team fire themselves up wanting to win the cup for Sachin, this being his last world cup and all. And he tried to do a Sachin on his team by announcing he’d stop playing ODIs after the world cup. For KP, though, the writing was on the wall when the only emotion his announcement evoked was that of Ian Bell saying that he too wanted to win the cup for Sachin.

4.He don’t need no education
The pressures of captaincy have had no effect on the quality of Shahid Afridi’s hair or the strength of his teeth. But, unfortunately, PR training courses have diluted the famed Pashtun warrior instinct in him. Way back in the early 90s, Pakistani players used to say that they’d like to play India in the finals so they could beat us again. Circa 2011. Shahid Afridi says that he’d like to play India in the finals because cricket forges closer ties between nations. Duh! He also says that they are the world cup’s most dangerous. Everyone knows that, Shahid. Why else do you think no one travels to Pakistan?

5.The talented Mr. Raina
It’s not without reason that kids around the country are learning a new nursery rhyme that goes a bit like ‘Suresh Raina, No Braina’. When asked about his position in the batting order, Raina disclosed that Dhoni has assured him that he’d bowl at least five overs. No Braina No. 1: Not answering the question. No Braina No. 2: Disclosing team strategy. No Braina No. 3: Not taking hints from the captain. But what we do know now is that India goes into the world cup with a very short tail. Most of their bowlers can bat a bit – Bhajji, Yuvi, Raina…

Sehwag on Twitter, Like Troy on Scooter

Published on February 11, 2011 in Latest. 8 Comments

Originally appeared in Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here

Guess what all happened during the week. Sid Mallya attended the Indian Signature Derby. Michael Clarke started dating Shaun Tait. Flintoff and Darren Gough went to a TS/TV bar in London and clicked pictures with drag queens. Bipasha Basu hung out with Sikander in New Zealand. And Shilpa Shetty travelled to places I didn’t even know existed in the world. And, what did you do this week? Stared at excel sheets, watched Zor Ka Jhatka and spent an evening at Garuda Mall? Hah, loosah!

The secret behind my sudden spurt in current affairs knowledge is in me reviving my twitter handle @_fakeiplplayer and deciding to follow a bunch of celebrities. Other than realising the relative insignificance of my life, I stumbled upon a minefield of data for intense psychoanalysis. A sample given below.
Superstar tweeters fall broadly into the following categories:

1.I Sell, Therefore I Am
An approach straight out of Lalit Modi’s book. If there’s something to sell, sell. If there’s nothing to sell, sell. Take, for instance Barkha Dutt. ‘My interview with so and so, watch at 10 pm’, ‘Ordinary Egyptians for revolution, watch at 10.30 pm’, ‘Me hyperventilating, watch 24/7’.

The frequency of ads almost made me feel like I was watching a cricket telecast. Madhur Bhandarkar did better. He brought along a brand ambassador. LK Advani. He posted a picture of Mr. Advani sipping a cup of tea with a caption saying, ‘Advani ji saw my film last night. He said it was very good’. Frankly speaking, Advani ji’s expression seemed to suggest that he was referring to the cup of tea.

2.My life is cooler than yours
Read Shilpa Shetty communicating to her fellow actresses who have actually made it in acting. Shilpa’s inaugurating celebrity yoga classes at Camden, launching ‘Shilpa’s gourmet food’ in Kiev, having dinner at Buckingham Palace with Prince Charles. ‘He’s always so pleasant and charming,’ she adds lest you thought this was a one off.

3.Don’t you forget me now
Far too many, but to sample a few. Mandira Bedi ensures we forget neither her nor her blouse by tweeting about her hunt for a new tailor. Payal Rohatgi ensures SRK doesn’t forget her by tweeting ‘@iamsrk sir and madhuri mam were fantastic at the FF awards last night’. Speaking of Ms Rohatgi, her followers on twitter include Shane Warne and Damien Martyn. Now, if there’s a thing on two legs, rest assured Warney’s following it. But Damien, et tu?

Ozzie leggie Steve Smith reminds people of his existence by reminding people that he eats. His tweets are only about who he’s having his meals with. And, just before leaving for India, he tweeted ‘Rumours to me having a girlfriend in India are not true’. Well, it was hard to believe in the first place Steve, but thanks for clarifying. For the record, a google search showed no hint of such a rumour.

4.I am what I am
Viru tweets ‘Getting ready for world’. Within five minutes he tweets again. ‘Getting ready for world cup.’ Viru, you on twitter is like Troy on scooter. Stick to batting. Sanjay Manjrekar’s batting was an exercise in stating the obvious. Outside off stump – Leave. Straight ball – Forward defence. Suicidal single – Run! His tweets aren’t any different. “I just realised Zaheer needs to be protected with cotton wool.” No shit, Sherlock. “Hussey ruled out. Big blow for Oz.” No shit, Sherlock.

5.I am NOT what you think I am
Which cricketer is following the Dalai Lama and tweets saying ‘Tolerance and patience have great benefits’? Dravid? Wrong! Correct answer is Sreesanth. Sree, we are still waiting to see the benefits.

Lalit Modi complains about lack of transparency in the BCCI. And Ishant shows his philosophical side by tweeting ‘Why everyone wants to go to heaven? But noone wants to die!!’ With such existential questions troubling the young mind, now we know why he always no balls the delivery that gets him a wicket.

If Dhoni is Obama then Dada is Jyoti Babu

Published on February 4, 2011 in Latest. 33 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore http://tinyurl.com/65gh24m

It’s world cup season and it’s the season of sycophancy. Kicking the season off in grand style was Praveen Kumar whose missile from Meerut reverberated as far away as Washington D.C. “Dhoni is the Obama of cricket,” was Praveen’s casual remark, taken not so casually by the President himself who is reported to have asked for an explanation from his PR Officers.

‘If this is my image in Meerut, just imagine how bad it must be in Montana,’ he said to his team. When asked, a senior official at the Ministry of External Affairs put matters to rest with a one line retort “Woh PK bola hai”.

Rolling with the spirit of the season, a high powered committee comprising a Shanghai Div B cricket league superstar and… well… me deliberated for hours and made a PK list of our own. Given below.

1.Jyoti Babu of cricket is… Sourav Ganguly
Both ruled their empires like emperors. Both ruled longer than they should have. Both threatened to wither away time and again, but kept coming back. Now, one has crossed over on to the other side while the other is spotted hosting game shows on Bangla TV. No coming back from there either, I guess.

2.Hosni Mubarak of cricket is… Ricky Ponting
The soon-to-be former Egypt President and the soon-to-be former Australian captain are co-authoring a soon-to-be bestseller ‘How to hold on to your position when every sign in the universe is telling you to leave… and with complete authority and arrogance’. Betting sites are speculating that the title of the book will be longer than the book itself.

3.Atal Bihari Vajpayee of cricket is… Arun Lal
In his first inning, Mr. Vajpayee was Prime Minister of India for 13 days. Arun Lal’s test career was probably slightly longer. Their uncanny similarity, though, lies in how quickly they can put people to sleep by so much as breathing into a microphone.

4.Berlusconi of cricket is…
There are three things we know about the Italian Prime Minister. One, he loves women. Two, he loves women. Three, he loves women. And age has had no bearing on his lifestyle. Very similar to a former India player. And if you still don’t know who it is, you better disappear from this page like a tracer bullet.

5.Govinda (he was a politician too) of cricket is… Yuvi
Once upon a time Govinda was lean and mean. So was Yuvi. Once upon a time Govinda was touted to become No. 1. So was Yuvi. Once upon a time Govinda was serenading top actresses. So was Yuvi. Both have now lost it.

Ace golfer Jeev Milkha Singh may be used to hitting birdies on a regular basis, but he missed a simple Par Put with his comment ‘Tendulkar is like Tiger Woods’. An insinuation of this kind against a man of lesser character than Sachin could have led to serious domestic strife. Other than the muted ‘Aila’ that popped out of his mouth when he read it in the morning papers, Sachin remained characteristically unfazed.

At a recent gathering of World Cup winning captains, Kapil Dev said that he earned his sobriquet Paaji in 1983. He also said that his wife calls him Paaji. Well, some secrets are best left unravelled. Ahem!