Monthly Archive for April, 2011

Don’t judge a team by its Sreesanth

Published on April 29, 2011 in Latest. 17 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here

Sreesanth is no longer the name of a cricket player. He is now a category by itself and IPL-4 will go down in history as when this phenomenon started. In time, captains would introduce their team with a special mention of one player as ‘our Sreesanth’.

The points table in IPL-4 shows that this edition has so far been the closest fought. Two factors have caused this trend. One, the erstwhile KKR players have been evenly distributed across all teams creating a level playing field. Two, every team has at least one Sreesanth. But, this sports science experiment has thrown up the most unexpected result. Just the way one can’t judge a movie by its trailer, one can’t really judge a team by its Sreesanth. Here’s why.

Delhi Daredevils
The Sreesanth of Delhi Daredevils is none other than Ajit Agarkar. Some would argue that he is the original. But Sir Aggie, as he is fondly referred to, hardly ever evoked the kind of emotions that Sreesanth does. With Aggie, it was just disappointment and frustration. Just like his bowling, his delivery on cricketing promise was also often short and wide. Add to that Ravi Shastri saying ‘Agarkar is no muck with the bat’ seconds before he loses his stumps. Till last season, Aggie was with the KKR which was described as a Ram banaye jodi. He wasn’t picked by the Daredevils for the initial few matches. This bad karma set the Daredevils off onto a losing spree. Until, they included Aggie in the playing XI. His first four balls in IPL-4 were hit for fours. But, he eventually got a wicket or two. And Delhi won the match. Moral of the story: Don’t judge Delhi Daredevils by their Sreesanth.

King’s XI Punjab
It’s common knowledge that Piyush Chawla is the new Sreesanth. Unlike Aggie, though, King’s XI Punjab can’t keep him out of the playing XI even if they want to. After all, he is India’s second preferred spinner ahead of Amit Mishra, Pragyan Ojha and Irfan Pathan. Piyush has made it a habit of picking up wickets off long hops and full tosses that deserve to be hit for six. Plus, he is lucky to be in the same team as Valthaty and, hence, is part of a winning team. Moral of the story: Don’t judge King’s XI Punjab by their Sreesanth.

Mumbai Indians
If Piyush has Valthaty, Munaf has SRT. Going by his efforts on the field which are generally of the token variety and his obstinacy not to mend his ways, Munaf Patel is clearly the Sreesanth of the Indians. But, unlike the original, Munaf plays every game and usually delivers on his job description. Munaf is also less likely to increase your blood pressure but more likely cause stomach ache as you clutch your tummy with uncontrollable laughter. However, Mumbai Indians have so far been the best team in the league. Moral of the story: Don’t judge Mumbai Indians by their Sreesanth.

Kochi Tuskers Kerala
The team possesses the original as well as the imitation. Spare a thought for Romesh Powar, though. Having to share space with the original Sreesanth, he must feel a bit like Harman Baweja in a movie with Hrithik Roshan. Yet, Powar has held his own in this battle of the Sreesanths. The two common factors in all of KTK’s wins have been Sreesanth’s absence and Powar’s presence. Moral of the story: Don’t judge Kochi Tuskers by their Sreesanth.

Cosmic co-incidence: Sreesanth, Piyush and Powar were all with the King’s XI Punjab last year. And guess which team was the most laughed at in season 3?

Bobbling Powar central to KTK

Published on April 23, 2011 in Latest. 12 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad on April 21

There’s certainly more method in the Kochi Tuskers Kerala’s (KTK) madness than they have so far been given credit for. Three successive wins against giants like Mumbai, Chennai and Kolkata reflect the kind of preparation that other teams would do well to emulate.

News emerging from the camp revealed that the most important cog in the KTK wheel is not the captain or the coach or their rock star player Sreesanth. The man around whom the team has been built is Romesh Powar. The team believes that any batting line up can collapse with laughter at the mere sight of Powar. Even the jersey colours were selected to accentuate all different shades of Powar’s wide personality. An orange and violet Powar in an orange helmet is a sight hard to describe although not too difficult to make a mental picture of. Add his orange shades to that and the Indian version of David Beckham is almost complete. In the field, Powar isn’t expected to stop the ball. He just has to make token gestures like running in the direction of the ball. Powar in motion, somehow dragging the rest of his bobbling body with him, transfixes batsmen in the middle of the pitch leading to possible run out situations. And the dazzle of hallucinatory colours the batsman sees when facing Powar provide unexpected breakthroughs. Brilliant!

Like how the UPA government realised about the Left Front, KTK have also realised that Sreesanth is most useful when supporting from outside. From outside the ground, Sreesanth can give TV interviews before, in the middle and after the match, which is why he took to cricket in the first place. And they have also brought in Riya Sen to keep him amused. Although, a couple of pictures of Riya Sen and Wayne Parnell that were shared by them on twitter seemed to suggest that Ms Sen may go beyond her job description which could lead to a potential Bhajji-Symmo situation in the KTK dressing room.

Speaking of Bhajji and Symmo, the two have featured in the team only once in the first five matches. At first, Symonds was ruled out due to an injured shoulder. Junior Ambani’s personal fitness trainer’s barber has confirmed that Symonds fell off a barstool the night he arrived in India. And just as he recovered, Bhajji tried to injure him again. When Symonds entered his room late night, Bhajji, perched atop the room’s ceiling fan, pounced on him like a hungry leopard dealing a severe body blow – to himself. The dented ribcage caused by the impact with Symonds’ body ruled Bhajji out for at least a couple of matches.

Shane Warne took time off from promoting his range of tee-shirts and underwear to tweet to the world that he hadn’t got any cosmetic surgery done. He explained that generous use of moisturisers had turned him from Mr. Warne to Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame. Last seen, Shilpa Shetty was applying moisturiser on Raj Kundra. And half of the Kochi team owners, incidentally larger than the team itself, were squabbling outside the local chemist shop over fast dwindling stocks of moisturisers.

Finally, Lalit Modi is not in London anymore. He is now in Colombo masterminding Sri Lankan Cricket’s encounter with the BCCI. First, they asked their players to return on May 5 to prepare for English conditions by training in Sri Lanka. Next, they insisted that Malinga, who’s not even part of the team, to return. Such unreasonable and illogical demands can come from nobody in the cricketing world other than Lord Modi himself.

Game Theory and Cricket

Published on April 15, 2011 in Latest. 8 Comments

Originally published in Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click Here

After a three-year balancing act, the applecart has finally been upset. The delicate equilibrium between the BCCI, other cricket boards, and players has been disturbed by the Sri Lankan sports ministry’s directive to its players to return from the IPL on May 5. This marks the end of the Nash Equilibrium masterminded by Lalit Modi when he had gotten all cricket boards to buy-in to the IPL.

As per Modi’s formula, it was in every party’s interest to make the best decision taking into account the others’ decision. Hence, boards allowed their players to play in the IPL while enjoying the financial benefits of the Champion’s League. But, a player could play in the IPL only if his board approved, thereby allowing the board to retain control. But, like in any Nash Equilibrium, it didn’t mean that each party stood to maximise from the agreement. In fact, the payoff could be significantly more for a player if he could somehow chart his own course. Some players like Chris Gayle, Dwayne Bravo and Andrew Symonds tried to do so, but with limited success because it was still in the BCCI’s interest to maintain status quo. The Sri Lankan situation is, however, very different.

Sri Lankan Shocker

The events in Sri Lanka following their world cup final loss came as a shock to everyone. The captain and vice-captain resigned and so did the selectors. The coach talked about distractions for the players. And the former captain hinted at political interference in team selection. Apparently, the team management had fought a bitter battle with the sports ministry over the exclusion of Sanath Jayasuriya and Chaminda Vaas. In the meantime, the Sri Lankan president felt humiliated at not having been treated like Julius Caesar on the day of the finals. He wanted to hit back at India. The ministry wanted to hit back at its senior players. And IPL became a soft target. It may turn out to be not such a soft target after all.

Prisoner’s Dilemma

How are the players likely to react? Cartelisation is said to be the best way to break Nash Equilibrium. Sangakarra, Jayawardene, Dilshan, Angelo Mathews, Suraj Randiv, Malinga, and Kulasekara form the core of the Sri Lankan national team. Still, the only way they can win this battle is by coming together. But, the cartel will be broken if even one of them defects. It’s a case of the Prisoner’s Dilemma and one can imagine a whole lot of discussions going on between these players.

The franchise owners won’t be happy about this. The aggrieved owners include a man of significant clout like Vijay Mallya and BCCI boss N Srinivasan. They are likely to support the players’ cartel.

The Sri Lankan ministry would like to form their own cartel with anti-BCCI boards like PCB and ECB. And, they would like to identify the weak link in the players’ cartel and lure him to defect. National captaincy could be a significant incentive and Dilshan could be their target. But, given that the ministry has acted on ego rather than financial considerations, they may be entering the battle with little preparation.

The next few weeks will see a lot of political drama. If Lalit Modi was still around, all this would have been played on twitter. Unfortunately, he is still doing it for Sachin and Anna Hazare from London. Most of this battle is now likely to be fought behind the scenes and we would only know of the eventual victor. My guess is that the BCCI will win again.

Who will be this year’s KKR?

Published on April 8, 2011 in Latest. 11 Comments

Originally printed in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here

If you’ve managed to catch your breath after the world cup, you’d know that IPL starts today. Here’s what we can expect from some of the teams.

Kochi Tuskers Kerala
The most controversial new entrant to the IPL family is also the safest bet to be crowned this year’s KKR. The city name starting with K isn’t mere coincidence because other similarities make one believe that the universe has conspired to bring us a new KKR. The owners have no link with the city and the squad comprises of test specialists like VVS Laxman and proven match losers like Ravindra Jadeja and Brad Hodge. Plus, they have Brendon McCullum. The confusion in the camp started with the name. Indie Commandos made way for Kochi Tuskers when some players protested against going Commando. And they added Kerala, lest someone think there is a city in Italy called Kochi that produces someone who looks like Sreesanth.

Why they won’t be this year’s KKR? Because they don’t have Shahrukh Khan without whom the cameramen won’t know whom to focus on when the team starts losing.

Pune Warriors
Most likely to emerge as this year’s RCB. Subroto Roy can throw parties just like Vijay Mallaya. Plus, they have Jesse Ryder who seems to have solved his drinking problem by staying drunk so no one can tell the difference. They have a formidable line up in Uthappa, Manish Pandey, Murali Kartik, Graeme Smith and Nathan McCullum. And the reformed Yuvraj has sage-like qualities reminiscent of Kumble. However, just like RCB, they are unlikely to win because we still don’t know if Yuvi wants to do for Subroto what he did for Sachin.

Why they won’t be this year’s RCB? Because Subroto Roy is not Vijay Mallya. And his son isn’t dating Deepika Padukone.

Kolkata Knight Riders
Most likely to be this year’s DC. Like the Chargers who were forced to make home in Nagpur and Navi Mumbai, without Dada or Dinda in the team, KKR’s home matches may turn out to be more away than any other away match they play. But, in Gambhir, Yusuf Pathan, Eoin Morgan, Doeschate, Lee and Kallis, they have the firepower that makes them serious semi-final contenders. Shahrukh Khan has maintained a safe distance from the team. But, Laxmipathy Balaji is expected to fill the glamour gap created by his absence.

Why they won’t be this year’s DC? Because they won’t win.

Mumbai Indians
Most likely to be this year’s champions. Sachin, Bhajji, Rohit Sharma, Rayudu, Pollard, Malinga, Symonds form a team worthy enough to be a champion. Plus, after the Modi-backed Rajasthan Royals during the Lalit Modi era and the Srinivasan-owned Chennai Super Kings in the Srinivasan era, this clearly is Ambani-owned Mumbai Indians’ turn to win the IPL.

Why they won’t be this year’s champion? We still don’t know how the Symonds-Bhajji love affair will pan out. And if a WWE does break out and some players do intervene to defend Bhajji, Mumbai could end up with less than 11 fit players to choose from. Aila!

Chennai Super Kings
Most likely to be this year’s CSK. With that jersey and that anthem, it’s hard to be any other team than CSK. And MS Dhoni behind the stumps to Joginder Sharma bowling the last over is as core to CSK’s branding as Sivamani’s drum beating. Plus, Albie Morkel, Raina, Murali Vijay, Michael Hussey make this team a sure shot semi final contender.

Why they won’t be this year’s CSK? Because it’s Mumbai’s turn to win.

Nehra did it for Poonam

Published on April 3, 2011 in Latest. 11 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here

The most important cricket match in a long time was threatening to go horribly wrong for India. Ashwin had just been replaced with Ashish Nehra. Experts were going ballistic, fans had started collecting stones, and Ashish Nehra was facing the scary prospect of becoming Piyush Chawla and Ashish Nehra rolled into one. But the man with the physics-defying motor action proved everyone wrong with two wickets, an economy rate of 3.3 and a fielding effort that had everyone rubbing their eyes in disbelief. How did he do it? A thorough investigation reveals the secrets.

1. Sreesanth’s tweet
On the eve of the match, Sreesanth tweeted ‘You have to believe in yourself when no one else does’. Now, if one can get past Sreesanth’s exterior, one may discover the Aristotle within him. Nehra is one of the few who has managed to do that. Sreesanth’s tweets have always had a profound impact on Nehra and, suddenly, he forgot all the jokes on him doing the rounds and was reinvigorated with new-found confidence. It was just the kind of confidence he needed to perform in front of Prime Ministers, the Gandhi family, a billion people, and Viveik Oberoi.

2. Astrology and Mandira Bedi
Bjorn Borg had once said that he handled pressure by sleeping, preferably not alone. Imran Khan advises sleeping pills before an important match. Nehra needed neither company nor pills to sleep. On the night before, Nehra had just switched on the TV where he saw a Hindi news channel declare India’s victory. “Dhoni ki kundali kar degi kamaal. Pakistan ko le doobega shani,” they declared vociferously. On another channel he watched Mandira Bedi tell Javed Miandad that India was going to win the next day. Surely, the stars and Mandira Bedi both couldn’t be wrong, he reckoned. He slept peaceful in the knowledge that all will be good the next day.

3. Breakfast
The next morning Nehra followed a breakfast routine that many believe to be a foolproof way to succeed. At breakfast, his eyes followed Sachin Tendulkar the way Shane Warne’s follows a pretty young thing. Sachin picked out a banana, so did Nehra. Sachin poured cold milk over his cornflakes, Nehra followed suit. Sachin crushed a walnut and bit into it. Nehra did the same, with scant regard for the most famous set of teeth in the cricketing world after Kamran Akmal’s. For Nehra, nothing would come between him and success in this match.

4. Dressing room argument
As India lost wickets, Nehra knew his batting would be called upon to take India to a defendable total. But, there was one problem. Munaf wanted to go in before him. Given that this decision could have a major impact on the match, tempers flared. Eventually, when Zaheer got out, Nehra rushed out into the ground before Munaf could react. In the end, Munaf too got his chance to go into the middle. “Chalo sabki batting aayi,” Nehra said offering an olive branch. But the argument pumped up both the speedsters. And it showed.

5. Cheerleader No. 1
“Do it for Poonam,” a spectator screamed at Nehra while he fielded at 3rd man. It was just the war cry he needed. Nehra remembered that the country wanted to win the cup, not just for Sachin but also for Poonam Pandey who’s promised to bare it all if India wins the cup. Nehra certainly didn’t want to be the one to deny the country such a momentous occasion in its history. And, the rest is history.

Agent Viru Week 7

Published on April 3, 2011 in Latest. 7 Comments

Written before the India Pakistan semi final for India Today magazine

A day before the grandaunt of all clashes at Mohali, Agent Viru and I discussed a matter of great national importance. With two hostile nations watching this was too important a day to mess around with. So, in accordance with the National Security Act, we decided not to divulge any inside information and rather focus on enemy camp. And, given that I had helped Viru during an especially painful period in his career when he found himself in the middle seat of an airplane with Ashish Nehra and Amit Mishra on either side, he put me in touch with Double Agent Akhtar, codenamed Double A. And, within an hour, I found myself peacefully walking through the security cordon and into the Pakistan team hotel.

I exited from the elevator on the 4th floor and walked down the corridor when I passed by a room with the door, probably accidentally, open. Inside, Misbah-ul-haq was leaning over a copy of National Geographic magazine. My heart went out to the man, clearly the most cerebral player in the Pakistan team who, if fate had dealt a better hand, could so easily have been the Rahul Dravid of Pakistan cricket. Here he was, like our own Jammy, keeping his mind constructively occupied, I thought. A closer inspection, though, made me quickly change my opinion because what appeared to be Einstein Misbah reading about African tribes was actually just Misbah sketching underwear on natives’ pictures. Sorry, Rahul.

I continued towards Room no. 420 where I was greeted by Double A, an 86 kg man-beast of pure muscle. Once I got over his imposing presence and the Manchester-meets-Rawalpindi twang, I realised that he was ranting about being overlooked after being the man solely responsible for getting Pakistan into the semi-finals. Double A claims that the kick he gave up Kamran Akmal’s backside at a team huddle had altered the wicket-keeper’s bio-mechanics, changing his style from that of a clapping toy monkey with drum cymbals for hands to that of a football goalkeeper. To Double A, this was as important to Pakistan’s world cup campaign as the emergence of homo erectus to the evolution of humankind. “And what do they do? Fine me $2000 for this service,” he said disconsolately. “Look at India and look at us. We have no team spirit,” Double A screamed. “I have announced my retirement and so far not one player has said that he wants to win the world cup for me.”

Shahid Afridi had banned his players from watching Indian news channels for what he thought was negative coverage. In fact, he was conducting surprise raids on players’ rooms to check what channels they were watching. During one of the raids, he caught a bunch of misty-eyed players glued to a Hindi news channel. Shockingly, Afridi too was hypnotically drawn to the programme on air titled ‘Jung ke jalwe mein ek maa ke do bete – Hindustan aur Pakistan’.

Double A told me that from the time they have landed in India, the team has been sending SOS signals to Shoiab Malik. Several players, Afridi included, had been calling him daily, sometimes multiple times a day. While Double A had no clue, I guessed it must be because Malik was captain when Pakistan had beaten India in Mohali in 2007. Late at night I shared this piece of inside information with Agent Viru. “Isn’t Shoiab Malik married to Sania Mirza?” he asked. “Saaley sudhrenge nahin. They must be asking for tips on how to land Indian girls.”