Monthly Archive for August, 2011

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

If you thought that the BCCI is a self-absorbed organization chasing money and power with scant regard to the national team’s interests, you are absolutely wrong. Inside sources reveal that a recent meeting of the BCCI saw angry scenes with chest thumping, fist punching and screaming & shouting over India’s 4-0 whitewash at the hands of England. The BCCI top brass is recommending sweeping changes to ensure India never face such humiliation in the future.

The committee also deliberated long and hard on the recommendation of a former India cricketer who wrote that “time has come for the BCCI to press the panic button”. For once, everyone in the meeting felt that it sounded like a great suggestion, the only problem being that nobody knew which one of the damn buttons on the switchboard was for panic. Despite frantic attempts, the panic button remained elusive.

One wise man suggested that a recent youtube video of the Indian team huddle in which Gambhir is seen with his hand on Ishant’s posterior, which to the layperson may seem like blatant groping, may really be Gambhir pressing Ishant’s panic button. Ishant has been asked to report to Mumbai for a thorough medical examination. If his panic button is located, it’s in for some hard pressed times.

Some of the other recommendations are given below.
1. During the fourth test between India and England, TV audience saw statistics of the number of whitewashes India has faced in series with 4 or more test matches. India had faced such humiliation only three times before this one, the last being 43 years ago. While regular folks like you and me missed such minor details, eagle-eyed BCCI officials carefully noted that India’s 3-0 loss to Australia in 1999 wasn’t a part of this list. So the committee unanimously passed a resolution that will ensure all of India’s future test series will have only 3 tests. “Let’s see how they beat us 4-0 then,” one official boasted as the others nodded in admiration.

2. The BCCI also feels that test cricket has become lawless and violent, a sporting equivalent of a banana republic, and want changes more in line with the evolution of our civilization. “Every road in the world has a speed limit. Every internet connection in the world has a speed limit. What makes cricket so special?” asked one BCCI official. The committee is recommending a speed limit in cricket where bowlers won’t be allowed to bowl faster than 130 kmph, speed that any Indian fast bowler is unlikely to cross. However, the speed limit effectively rules out any possibility of Anil Kumble’s return from retirement.

3. Careful analysis of India’s defeat pattern during the series revealed that if test matches were 4 days long, India would have lost this series only 1-0. Further, this would have created room for an extra 4-day test match generating even more revenue. The BCCI is recommending 4-day test matches from now on.

Some answers finally!
Brain Mapping tests on Dhoni have revealed why India lost so badly to England. Apparently, India’s performance in the series is a result of a question posed to Dhoni at the press conference after winning the world cup.

Dhoni was asked, “Having won the T20 world cup, IPL, Champion’s League, ODI world cup, and the No. 1 ranking in tests, what more does he have to win?” to which Dhoni replied, “I would like to do it all over again.”

How could Dhoni regain the No. 1 ranking in tests without losing it first?

Hence, proved!

You can hear Anupam’s live alternate commentary of India vs England during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Originally published in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore Click here

If you too assumed that Mumbai Mirror’s expose on the BCCI’s past and present contracts with Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Harsha Bhogle stipulating them to toe the BCCI line would bring the three distinguished gentlemen even closer, you were wrong. Sources, not close to the men in question, have reported that there’s trouble brewing amongst the holy trinity on the issue.

The contentious issue is the Rs. 3.6 crore a year, which translates to a lakh a day, that the two former cricketers are earning from the BCCI. Apparently, both Shastri and Gavaskar were under the impression that they were getting paid more than the other.

Given that he has scored more runs than Shastri, Gavaskar feels that he deserves a premium. Shastri, who in his own way has scored far more than Gavaskar, feels the same. And this has become a particularly touchy issue between them.

But, let’s spare a thought for Harsha Bhogle. One, he was getting paid one digit lesser than the M/s Shaz and Gavz. Two, the BCCI didn’t find him important enough to renew his contract after Lalit Modi fled. Three, he was blissful in his belief that even Shastri and Gavaskar’s contracts had not been renewed. Four, Shastri had been tricking him into buying him lunch everyday citing the extra money he needs for cosmetic surgeries for his eye sacks and double chin. All in all, Bhogle’s faith in humanity stands shattered.

How each reacted to this adversity is a psychologist’s delight.

Harsha was the smartest of them all. He quickly wrote an anti-BCCI piece and disappeared from twitter for 27 hours, returning only to plug his podcasts and articles before disappearing again, eventually reappearing when the third test match began. It was a worrying few days for all his fans, me included. Only when tweets that state the obvious like “Indian bowling looks ordinary” starting filling my twitter timeline again, I heaved a sigh of relief with the knowledge that Harsha had taken control of himself and normal service had been restored.

Sunil Gavaskar took the emotional route saying that he needs the Rs 3.6 crores because he has “two eyes, two hands, and a stomach”. (What, in the name of God, does he eat???) And, immediately after, wrote a column saying India’s packed cricket schedule isn’t responsible for their performance on this tour, sending readers into peals of laughter and, in doing so, outperforming Navjot Sidhu yet again. The guy is a genius!

Ravi Shastri, unsurprisingly, was the most eloquent of them all. He implored everyone to look at his “body of work” over the last twenty years before judging him. To give him his due, he does have the distinction of making India world champions in two different sports when, after Sreesanth took Misbah’s catch that fateful evening in Johannesburg, Shastri screamed out in the commentary box “India are the first TT world champion”. It says a lot about the character of the man that he has neither demanded nor received any money from the Table Tennis Federation for this unsolicited help.

But just so we make an informed judgment on the man, I sent a trusted friend out to look for Shastri’s body of work. He has been missing ever since. Although, in his last text he said he was still confident of finding it. Let’s pray he returns like a tracer bullet.

You can hear Anupam’s live alternate commentary of India vs England on www.pitch-invasion.in