Monthly Archive for September, 2011

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to formally welcome the new BCCI president Mr. N Srinivasan who has confirmed that there is absolutely no conflict in his interests as far as managing the BCCI, Chennai Super Kings (CSK) and India Cements is concerned.

In a series of television interviews he said it’s not him but India Cements that owns CSK, thereby conforming to the great BCCI tradition of under-declaring, best exemplified by one of his illustrious predecessors Mr. Sharad ‘TwelveCrore’ Pawar.

Mr. Srinivasan, of course, has absolutely no control over CSK through India Cements, a company for whom he is the Managing Director, Vice Chairman, Chairman of Share Transfer Committee, Chairman of Compensation Committee, Member of Shareholders/Investors Grievance Committee, Member of Audit Committee, Member of Remuneration Committee, Executive with the highest compensation and, as per a Financial Express report on May 6 2010, its “only promoter”.

With role models at the top, can anyone really blame the Indian team not going past 300 in tests? In fact, there are reports that, toeing the under-declaring culture, Dhoni would have declared at 299 anyways.

These are the kind of opportunities Mr. Lalit Modi waits with bated breath for in his undisclosed location in London. Soon as Mr. Srinivasan’s TV interviews were over, Mr. Modi started tweeting pictures of IPL accreditation cards (the ones they hang around their necks) of Mr. Srinivasan and his family which mentions them as ‘Owners’. How many people in the world do you know who’d keep pictures of others’ accreditation cards? It’s foresight such as this that makes Mr. Lalit Modi Superman, albeit without a cape and with his underwear where it’s supposed to be.

In his defence, Mr. Srinivasan claimed that the word ‘Owner’ printed on the card only meant that he owned that particular accreditation card and not CSK.

To further prove his point, Mr. Modi, then, spent the next one hour tweeting pictures of Mr. Srinivasan, his wife, daughter, son-in-law, lawyers, auditors, and managers of India Cements, all in CSK T-shirts. Yes! all of them in CSK T-shirts! The missing link to conclusively prove Mr. Srinivasan’s ownership of CSK has finally been found.

The only pictures Mr. Modi seems to have withheld are the ones that Ravindra Jadeja uses to get into the Indian team again and again.

A day later, the Julian Assange of Indian cricket was on TV with an ‘I told you so’ tone on the Kochi Tuskers’ exit from IPL saying he knew that the consortium didn’t have the financial strength for the long haul. A visibly fatigued and greyed Lalit Modi strongly defended valuation figures of IPL teams including Kochi Tuskers Kerala (KTK) who were bought at $333 million last year. Just for the record, Forbes’ list of football team valuations puts only 5 English Premier League teams above the figure KTK went for. Lalit Modi would like us to believe that KTK deserves a valuation figure higher than Manchester City.

Disrespectful to jokers
Mohinder Amarnath becomes a national selector 23 years after calling selectors “a bunch of jokers”. He spent his first few days on the job visiting circus shows around the country before deeply regretting his remark. “I think I was very disrespectful to jokers,” he said.

Sequel to RaOne
KKR sneaked into the Champion’s League thanks to some heroics from Dutchman Ryan Ten Doeschate. Soon after, Shahrukh Khan announced sequel to RaOne which will be called RaTen.

Bad news for singles
Bad news for all single boys and girls around the country. Gautam Gambhir is getting married. Somewhere in Karol Bagh Ishant Sharma sheds a quiet tear.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s (Anupam’s) live alternate cricket commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Much before dust settled in the series, much before Ravindra Jadeja started his long voyage from Jamnagar to London, and much before Rohit Sharma injured his drinking hand, the BCCI had already launched an inquisition into India’s performance in the test series.

The report is a bit like Cricket Australia’s Argus Report except that this one’s far more comprehensive, far more independent, and with far more far reaching consequences than Argus could have ever hoped to achieve.

Unlike the Australian investigation committee which had members entrenched in the establishment like Border, Waugh, Taylor and Speed, BCCI’s investigation committee was completely independent comprising only of board members of India Cements.

Avoiding any conflict of interest, BCCI supremo N Srinivasan opted out of it. Again, going against popular notions of megalomania in the BCCI, the committee chose not to name the report after the committee chairman and have instead called it the Srini Report.

Some recommendations in the report given below.

1. Injury Management
Taking a strong view of injuries to key players, the report makes it mandatory for all players to inform the board of their injuries well before they get injured. This will allow the board to get replacements’ visas processed and allow them to make their shopping lists before they go on tour. This will save precious time on tour which can be utilized for team bonding exercises like sharing hookahs and partying together.

2. Domestic Cricket
Taking a leaf out of the Argus Report, the Srini Report stipulates that players prioritize domestic cricket over international. Henceforth, all contracted players have to rid themselves of injuries, personal problems, form issues, and make themselves match-ready for domestic tournaments like the IPL, CLT20 and any future tournament with an ‘L’ in its abbreviated form.

The report hasn’t taken kindly to Gautam Gambhir being forced to stay on the tour despite a serious injury, thereby threatening his participation for KKR in the CLT20. And it lauded BCCI’s move of sending in Ravindra Jadeja, a decision that’s unlikely to adversely affect any IPL team Jadeja represents.

3. Lovers vs Haters
There are only two kinds of people in the world – those who love Indian cricket and those who hate it. The report recommends that the BCCI nurture the lovers, like IPL franchise owners who spend millions on players whom the haters call names such as ‘donkeys’.

“Not risking Yusuf Pathan before CLT20 is the least we could do for Shahrukh Bhai,” a committee member said with folded hands, showing the world that N Srinivasan’s folded hands posture in front of the cabinet committee inquiring into the IPL wasn’t subservience but corporate culture of India Cements.

4. Foresight
The report lauds the BCCI for being well ahead of its time in several matters. “If you see, the Australians have banned Greg Chappell from the dressing room only now, while we did that four years ago,” another committee member said with folded hands.

5. Strategic tie-ups
The committee recommends strategic tie-ups with other cricket boards like the one with the Sri Lankan cricket board that makes it mandatory for Sri Lanka to always perform worse than India. Going by the Sri Lankans’ performance in the current series against Australia, the partnership seems to be already bearing fruits.

6. Pension
The committee also recommends pensions for retired board members. “This is a decision taken on principle and won’t really affect our financials,” said a committee member.

With folded hands, he added, “Have you ever seen a BCCI board member retiring?”

You can hear Anupam’s live alternative commentary during cricket match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Like a phoenix he rises again. Like a TV commercial break, he comes into your life when you least want him to. Like an Agarkar, he returns to haunt Indian cricket fans all over again.

Yes, it’s Ravindra Jadeja. The man who single-handedly cost us two T20 world cups and an ODI world no. 1 ranking is back in the Indian team replacing vice-captain Gambhir who didn’t recover from his concussions in time. Ironically, news of his selection caused captain Dhoni to suffer mild concussions of his own.

The sequence of events starting with Gambhir’s injury, reluctance on the part of the Indian team management to send him back home, and Jadeja’s eventual selection should act as a lesson to all those fans who were hurling abuses at the team for their performance in England. As it turns out, the Indian team was desperate to keep a concussion-suffering, blurry-visional, posterior groping Gambhir in the squad only to prevent Indian fans from reliving the Jadeja nightmare. So what if they haven’t been winning, it’s hard to find a sporting team that cares so much for its fans.

Jadeja’s selection sent the cricketing fandom into a tizzy. Tweets with his name starting pouring in and he was trending on twitter within minutes. There were those who were shocked, there were those who were aghast, some found it funny, while others smelt a conspiracy. After hours of debates and careful elimination of every other possibility, the only remaining plausible explanation for his selection was that Jadeja must have some really incriminating pictures of someone high up in the BCCI.

“Let’s not forget that he’s a promising youngster,” a BCCI official said when asked to explain Jadeja’s selection. “All politicians running the BCCI identify with him because, just like them, he too doesn’t deliver on the promise,” he added.

When asked further, he shook his head compassionately and said, “Ravindra has had a tough year. He spent the entire IPL with Sreesanth dressed in orange and purple. I think he has suffered enough for his crimes.”

On seeing unconvinced faces all around, he adapted a famous English phrase and said, “Jadeja deserves another chance. Let’s not forget every Sachin has a past and every Sharad a future.”

Kill Bill
Earlier this week, Sports Minister Ajay Maken tabled his ambitious Sports Reforms Bill in the Parliament expecting ministers running the BCCI to approve a law that’ll bring the cricket body under the RTI. My guess is that Pawar, Deshmukh & Co would have laughed at him almost as loud as I did way back when my Mom asked me to give her access to my drawers.

The Sports Minister would be well advised to drop the BCCI from the Bill because, despite everything, the BCCI is still the best run sports federation in the country. Sports that don’t fall in the radar, like cycling and fencing, desperately need the Bill more than cricket does, and it’d be sad if the Bill gets stalled due to BCCI’s resistance.

As for cricket fans, all they want in the Bill is a clause that stops Jadeja from getting into the side every year.

Resign? Who, me?
This week saw the mother of all confusions when some reports suggested that chief selector Krishnamachari Srikanth had offered to resign after India’s whitewash at the hands of England.

Srikanth has now confirmed that what everyone thought as his offer to resign was really his offer to ‘re-sign’ as the chairman of selectors.

“I owe it to the CSK players,” Srikanth said rubbishing such reports.

You can hear Anupam’s alternate live commentary of India vs England during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in