Monthly Archive for October, 2011

Silence of the Lambs

Published on October 29, 2011 in Latest. 5 Comments
Bangalore's Siddharth Srivatsa sending a message to Michael Vaughan

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The beauty of life is that it teaches you lessons from even the most meaningless of events, like the recently concluded India-England ODI series. As someone who followed every ball of it, here’s what I learnt from the series.

Lesson #1: Be careful of what you say…
Because it has a habit of coming back to boomerang you on your backside. One can hope that this is a lesson that Michael Vaughan would have learnt too.

During India’s disastrous English tour, Michael Vaughan had led the former England player pack in ridiculing the Indian team, including a bizarre suggestion that Laxman had used Vaseline on his bat to hide faint edges from hotspot. Throughout the tour, caustic, vitriolic and sardonic comments aimed at the Indian team kept coming from the former England captain through his commentary, tweets and newspaper columns.

While fans can be excused for resorting to jingoism, one doesn’t expect those who’ve played the sport at the highest level to stoop so low.

With each England defeat in this series, Vaughan found his twitter page flooded with diatribes from Indian cricket fans, most of them personal and abusive. The most hard hitting message, though, was delivered to Vaughan by a 14-year old Bangalorean through a picture inspired by Shoaib Akhtar’s autobiography’s cover page.

If even this doesn’t silence Vaughan, probably nothing will.

Lesson #2: It’s true that some wines improve with age…
But only if the grapes were good in the first place. In Tony Greig’s case, not only are the grapes bad, they are also sour.

For the last six months, every second sentence from Greig has had India in it. Starting with BCCI bashing on the use of technology issue, to Indian team bashing during the England series, to doom’s day prediction for cricket in the BCCI-led era. India is on his mind so much that one wouldn’t be surprised if he mutters the word in his sleep.

It’s common knowledge that Greig was deeply involved with the ICL and the BCCI-ban on ICL has affected him financially. From the looks of it, it has also affected him mentally.

Just yesterday, he tweeted urging the BCCI to think that ‘when making money is the ultimate ambition, you do things you shouldn’t’. Wise words from a man who not only quit England captaincy to join Kerry Packer, but was actively recruiting English players while he was still captain.

For Greig, one can safely say that one shouldn’t attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Lesson #3: ‘z’ is keeping your mouth shut
Albert Einstein had said that if ‘A’ is success in life, then A = x+y+z where ‘x’ is work, ‘y’ is play, and ‘z’ is keeping your mouth shut.

Throughout the English tour, MS Dhoni maintained a dignified silence, refusing to be provoked by what was being said about him and his team. He played hard, played fair, and called a spade a spade in his trademark casual style.

In the return tour, he refrained from the ‘payback’ or ‘revenge’ bellicosity, saying that sportsmen don’t exact revenge. And even after the convincing series win, he didn’t resort to chest thumping, preferring to talk about areas that the team needs to improve upon to win overseas.

In the colossal mass of off-field trash over the last few months, MS Dhoni stands tall and clean.

As an Indian, that’s what I am proud of, even more than the 5-0 win.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live wacky cricket commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Here’s why cricket fans from across the world should be embarrassed

Published on October 21, 2011 in Latest. 10 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Last week a Pakistan cricket fan tweeted that she is embarrassed by how the world looks at her team. Who can blame her? After all, there’s so much about the Pakistani cricket team to be embarrassed about.

If you look past Salman Butt, you’re confronted with Ijaz Butt, who has made way for a man already accused of corruption. There’s Shahid Afridi – before he retired and after. Both of which were less embarrassing than his return from retirement. There’s Shoaib Akhtar who calls himself the greatest fast bowler ever and a ball tamperer in the same breath, and finds nothing wrong with it. Then, there are the Royal Akmals, so omnipresent that even if you reach the end of the world you’ll find an Akmal standing right behind you screaming ‘Shabaash Shahid Bhai’ before promptly dropping the ball.

While Pakistan cricket fans seem to have justifiable reasons for how they feel, the reality is that every cricket team fan in the world should be embarrassed. Don’t believe me? Here’s a quick list.

Indian cricket fan
Oh, so we have nothing to be embarrassed about Indian cricket because we won the world cup, were world No. 1 in tests till recently, and have Sachin Tendulkar? I disagree. I cringe every time during a match the TV camera pans across pot bellied, middle-aged BCCI bigwigs in safari suits enjoying their paid vacation.

Guess how many true Indian cricket fans got to see the world cup final at Wankhede live. None. Because every square inch of the reduced capacity Wankhede was occupied by ministers, members of parliament, film stars, business tycoons and those connected to them. And the TV cameras made it a point to show it at the start, middle, and end of every over. That itself may have been reason enough to abandon Indian cricket.

Sri Lankan cricket fan
The embarrassment for the Sri Lankan cricket fan starts with the captain himself. It’s still within the realms of possibility that one can get used to that permanent scowl, but the same can’t be said about that beard. On top of that, he plays like Shahid Afridi, forces a solid middle order batsman to make way for himself, and thinks centuries are better than test wins.

Further, a former great uses his political muscle to get himself a much undeserved farewell. And even their most erudite can’t pronounce ‘wicket’. The team is sure a one-way tickut on the facepalm train.

English cricket fan
They might be the new world No. 1, but how can you not be embarrassed about a bowling spearhead who puts on make up? And, to make it worse, sometimes the blush and the lipstick don’t match.

Australian cricket fan
Of the past greats, only Ricky ponting remains. And he too is batting more like Ricky Martin these days. Australian cricket fans must feel a bit like how harbhajan feels about himself. Nostalgic.

West Indian cricket fan
Do they even have anyone to support anymore? If I was a west Indian, I’d rather support the lovely ladies who were supporting Trinidad and Tobago at the CLT20.

South African cricket fan
The last few South African cricket fans were choked to extinction at the last world cup.

New Zealand cricket fan
When you have a rugby team as menacing as the All Blacks, advertising yourself as a kiwi cricket supporter wouldn’t impress the ladies, I presume.

Kerala cricket fans
This is one group that’s not embarrassed by its cricket team. Sreesanth alone does it for them.

I fixed a match for Shoiab Malik: Mazhar Majeed

Published on October 14, 2011 in Latest. 4 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The court hearing in the Pakistani cricketers’ spot fixing case got underway in London recently. While the case exposes the seedy and greedy world of match fixers, several questions related to agent Mazhar Majeed’s claims captured by the NOTW sting operation remain unanswered.

In an uninhibited chat, Majeed shared his experiences as a match fixer. As it turns out, match fixing is a world where almost anything that can go wrong, does go wrong. And how!

Here are the highlights.

It seemed Majeed regretted working with the Pakistani boys. “If you ask for a no-ball, they give you a four-feet no-ball. You ask for a maiden over, they dead bat the entire over. There’s no subtlety in their technique. Everything’s so obvious,” he said.

He was most upset with Kamran Akmal who, he said, once forgot which catch to drop and ended up dropping every catch in the match.

But he has fond memories of working with one Pakistani captain. “Working with Shoiab Malik was great. He followed my instructions meticulously. And, in the end, I was able to fix a match for him successfully.” After a pause, he added, “And that match is called Sania Mirza.”

Shahid Afridi, Majeed said, is someone he never worked with. “How can you trust a man who ogles at other men’s legs?” he asked.

On the Indian players he had named, Majeed said that he had asked Yuvraj to play out a maiden. Yuvraj, on his part, played out not one but many maidens. However, not one of them was played on the field.

As for the other Indian he had named, Majeed is hurt by what Harbhajan said about him. “I was only trying to help him by giving him an alibi for his shit bowling these days,” he said.

Majeed claimed complete honesty when asked how he could be believed given the ludicrousness of his other claims like knowing Roger Federer and Brad Pitt. “I know both of them very well,” he said emphatically. “But…they don’t know me,” he added softly.

Sahara Enforces India

In a dramatic move, Dr. Vijay Mallya has offloaded 42.5% stake in Force India to the Sahara Group making it Sahara Force India.

Reports suggest that the deal was arrived at after hectic negotiations between the two business honchos.

It’s believed that Dr. Mallya even offered Saurabh Tiwary for free, which Subroto Roy refused. Mallya’s offer of white mischief was also rejected by Roy who said that he was quite happy with his brown mischief.

In the end $100 million as a price was agreed upon.

Other than Force India, Sahara owns the IPL franchise Pune Warriors India whom they purchased for close to $350 million, has a sponsorship deal with the Indian cricket team of more than $100 million, sponsors the Indian women’s cricket team, junior and senior hockey teams, and the Calcutta Football League. A back-of-the-envelope calculation suggests their investment into sports this year at about $200 million or Rs 1,000 crore.

Assuming that Sahara invests half of their marketing budget (5% according to industry standards) into sports, their revenues should stand at Rs. 40,000 crores, twice the size of Hindustan Unilever Ltd.

Now, all that remains to be known about the Sahara Group is what it is that they actually produce and where we can buy it from.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live, wicked and wacky cricket commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Playing in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Published on October 7, 2011 in Latest. 3 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

If you have a life then it’s quite possible that you’ve totally missed out on a heart-stopping cricket drama being bandied about as the Champion’s League. But despair no more because here’s a rundown on how the IPL teams have fared in the tournament.

Chennai Super Kings
Also known as the Manchester United of Indian cricket, their single-biggest contribution to this tournament is proving that it’s not fixed. The two-time IPL champions, defending CLT20 champions, and the team that BCCI boss N Srinivasan doesn’t own, crashed out of the tournament before Dougie Bollinger could say Nungambakkam.

Standout performer
R. Ashwin, who, in England, looked and played like he was hungover, was somewhere near his best under the watchful careful eyes of his parents, something that’ll make Karan Johar very happy.

What cost them
One, M. Vijay, who now has the distinction of being the most inappropriately named player in the tournament. And two, escalating petrol prices that forced Dhoni to keep his helicopter in the hangar and arrive at the crease every day on his moped.

Kolkata Knight Riders
KKR have been exactly like RaOne.

If RaOne has Shahrukh Khan, a top actress, skimpily clad girls in item numbers, foreign locations, and even Rajnikanth in a cameo, KKR have India’s next captain, two of world’s top all-rounders, fearsome hitters and the fastest bowler in the world. KKR, like RaOne, left no box unchecked to get the formula right. And yet, they crashed out.

Let’s hope RaOne fares differently.

Standout performer
Jaques Kallis who almost got Kallis Puja to coincide with Durga Puja this year.

Stand out performer
Shahrukh Khan – as the leading actor of CLT20 and the brand ambassador of RaOne…or…is it the other way round?

Mumbai Indians
One of the two IPL teams to make it to the semis despite getting a taste of poetic justice.

After having used their privileges to play 5 foreign players in their XI, they have seen one of their foreign players depart due to injury while clinging on to another whom they should be very happy to see depart.

The suspense
More than three years after BandarGate, Symonds arrived in India to play under Harbhajan. Will they be able to put the past behind them? As it turns out, no!

In four outings, Symonds returns are scores of 3, 14, 9, 0. And Harbhajan got back at him by putting him on the most dangerous job in the game – making Symonds field at silly point off his bowling.

Paras Mhambrey, whose job it is to sit with Mrs. Nita Ambani through every match, vehemently disagreed that Symonds’ was the more dangerous job.

Standout performer
Lasith Malinga who won them a game with the bat earning himself a room at the Antilia. When he won another one, again with the bat, he was upgraded to a room with an attached bath. Now, finally, he can take that bath he’s been avoiding the last few years.

Royal Challengers Bangalore
RCB made it to the semi finals riding on three supernatural forces coming together.

Force 1: RCB have never lost a match in which Gayle has scored more than 25.
Force 2: RCB have never lost a match in which Arun Karthik has hit a six off the last ball.
Force 3: RCB have never lost a match when team owner Sidhartha Mallya holds on to his cup of coffee and doesn’t change his seat for the entire duration of the game.

Standout performer
Saurabh Tiwary for continuing to repay Vijay Mallya’s $1.9 million in several installments of sub-20 scores. It’s a bit like filling up your car tank and paying in One Rupee coins.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in