Playing in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

If you have a life then it’s quite possible that you’ve totally missed out on a heart-stopping cricket drama being bandied about as the Champion’s League. But despair no more because here’s a rundown on how the IPL teams have fared in the tournament.

Chennai Super Kings
Also known as the Manchester United of Indian cricket, their single-biggest contribution to this tournament is proving that it’s not fixed. The two-time IPL champions, defending CLT20 champions, and the team that BCCI boss N Srinivasan doesn’t own, crashed out of the tournament before Dougie Bollinger could say Nungambakkam.

Standout performer
R. Ashwin, who, in England, looked and played like he was hungover, was somewhere near his best under the watchful careful eyes of his parents, something that’ll make Karan Johar very happy.

What cost them
One, M. Vijay, who now has the distinction of being the most inappropriately named player in the tournament. And two, escalating petrol prices that forced Dhoni to keep his helicopter in the hangar and arrive at the crease every day on his moped.

Kolkata Knight Riders
KKR have been exactly like RaOne.

If RaOne has Shahrukh Khan, a top actress, skimpily clad girls in item numbers, foreign locations, and even Rajnikanth in a cameo, KKR have India’s next captain, two of world’s top all-rounders, fearsome hitters and the fastest bowler in the world. KKR, like RaOne, left no box unchecked to get the formula right. And yet, they crashed out.

Let’s hope RaOne fares differently.

Standout performer
Jaques Kallis who almost got Kallis Puja to coincide with Durga Puja this year.

Stand out performer
Shahrukh Khan – as the leading actor of CLT20 and the brand ambassador of RaOne…or…is it the other way round?

Mumbai Indians
One of the two IPL teams to make it to the semis despite getting a taste of poetic justice.

After having used their privileges to play 5 foreign players in their XI, they have seen one of their foreign players depart due to injury while clinging on to another whom they should be very happy to see depart.

The suspense
More than three years after BandarGate, Symonds arrived in India to play under Harbhajan. Will they be able to put the past behind them? As it turns out, no!

In four outings, Symonds returns are scores of 3, 14, 9, 0. And Harbhajan got back at him by putting him on the most dangerous job in the game – making Symonds field at silly point off his bowling.

Paras Mhambrey, whose job it is to sit with Mrs. Nita Ambani through every match, vehemently disagreed that Symonds’ was the more dangerous job.

Standout performer
Lasith Malinga who won them a game with the bat earning himself a room at the Antilia. When he won another one, again with the bat, he was upgraded to a room with an attached bath. Now, finally, he can take that bath he’s been avoiding the last few years.

Royal Challengers Bangalore
RCB made it to the semi finals riding on three supernatural forces coming together.

Force 1: RCB have never lost a match in which Gayle has scored more than 25.
Force 2: RCB have never lost a match in which Arun Karthik has hit a six off the last ball.
Force 3: RCB have never lost a match when team owner Sidhartha Mallya holds on to his cup of coffee and doesn’t change his seat for the entire duration of the game.

Standout performer
Saurabh Tiwary for continuing to repay Vijay Mallya’s $1.9 million in several installments of sub-20 scores. It’s a bit like filling up your car tank and paying in One Rupee coins.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on

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