Monthly Archive for January, 2012

Once upon a time Tendulkar scored his 99th

Published on January 30, 2012 in Latest. 2 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Chepauk, Motera, Mohali, Wankhede, Lord’s, Trent Bridge, The Oval, Kotla, Eden, MCG, SCG, WACA, Adelaide – this is a list of historical cricket venues that have packed themselves over the last year in anticipation of Sachin Tendulkar’s 100th international century.

In the meantime, 117 international centuries have been scored by 59 different players, including by batsmen like Kierron Pollard, R Ashwin, Mushfir Rahim, and TMK Mawyao. Michael Clarke and Kumar Sangakarra have, in fact, scored six each in the same period.

During this time Shahid Afridi has quit captaincy, retired from international cricket, taken the PCB to court, annulled his retirement and has also made a successful comeback into international cricket. While India’s wait for the Mahashatak continues endlessly.

So much has happened that one can barely remember when Sachin’s 99th century occurred. It was on March 12, 2011. At Nagpur. In that world cup match against South Africa that we lost after being 266/1.

It really was the good old days, when we were still fretting and fuming over Piyush Chawla. A time when Anna Kournikova would show up first on a Google search for Anna. When the Akmal behind the stumps was better known for dropping catches than taking them. When Kapil meant Dev and not Sibal. It was a time when there were ten year olds who had never seen India being whitewashed in a test series. Now they have seen it twice.

But it’s not been all in vain. Through the two white-washes, Tendulkar’s finally washed off that long-standing and unjustified accusation that India loses whenever Tendulkar scores a century. Now we know that India loses even when he doesn’t score one.

Silver lining for Dravid too
Rahul Dravid’s been bowled nine times in his last eleven innings. Given that wickets aren’t safe in his charge anymore, now he can rest easy that he’ll never be asked to keep wickets again.

Winter camp at Sehwag’s school
Sehwag International School recently advertised a winter camp for all cricket hopefuls. The first person to enrol in it was Sehwag himself. Gambhir has used his contacts with Sehwag to get himself a discount.

More people are expected to turn up at the camp than at the Bangladesh Premier League.

At least make an omelette
As far as Indian cricket is concerned, Jagmohan Dalmiya discovered the goose that lays golden eggs, Sharad Pawar fattened it up, and Lalit Modi showed how to kill it.
Now that the goose is almost dead, nobody quite knows what to do with the eggs left behind. If only Modi was still around, he could have at least made an omelette out of them. And what better an omelette than a reality show.

With TRPs plummeting and advertisers losing millions every day, Modi would have created a reality show to discover the new messiahs of Indian cricket – an unknown batsman and an unknown bowler who would be sent to Australia for the fourth test to win the match and restore India’s pride.

With thousands auditioning and millions watching on TV and voting for their candidate, the show was sure to be a winner. Not that the result on the field would have been any different, but most people would have tuned in to the match to see how the two guys performed.

At least some excitement in this ‘mother of all non-events’.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live alternative commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

The curse of the number one test side

Published on January 20, 2012 in Latest. 0 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Sportsmen are known to be superstitious but this really is stretching it a bit too far.

Hushed voices in the corridors of uncertainty are revealing that the race to the world number 1 spot in tests has been called off. Teams like South Africa, Australia, and Sri Lanka, formerly vying for that coveted crown in test cricket, are now reportedly happy with being just number 2.

The reason for this sudden change of heart is a rumour doing the rounds that the world number 1 spot is cursed. Even the two erudite Michaels – Atherton and Vaughan – were overheard comparing it to the mythical poisoned chalice, where the person drinks the wine thinking that he’s becoming the king, but is actually swallowing down what will eventually end up consuming the consumer.

The signs are there for everyone to see.

On Day 1 of the first test match between England and Pakistan, the newly crowned world number 1 team was bundled out for a measly score. And very few Indians can actually forget what happened to the previous world number 1 when they played England not so long ago.

The similarities don’t end there. India lost Zaheer Khan on Day 1 of the first test. England lost Tim Bresnan before he could even board the flight. India lost Yuvraj Singh midway through the second test. England almost lost Ian Bell before the first ball was bowled. Bell may have delayed the curse but he could not deny it, failing to score a run during an inning that brought back memories of 2005.

The panic has spread
If reports are to be believed, so scared is Australia about regaining the world number 1 spot that they have decided to go easy on India in the Adelaide test match.

Australia’s coach Mickey Arthur who had set his sights on the No. 1 rank has now publicly re-aligned his radar to the Ashes. After all, who would know it better than the former South Africa coach that South Africa didn’t win a single home test series for four years after becoming world number 1, a spell that was broken recently against Sri Lanka.

And South Africa, next in line for the cursed position, have smartly proposed to the ICC that Chennai Super Kings be made honorary world number 1 for the next five years.

ICC seems warm to the idea and are awaiting a green signal from Mr. N Srinivasan’s astrologer before making it official.

But if the curse really is true the question everyone’s asking is, why is India still playing like they are world number 1?

Ajmal tries an Agarkar
Pakistan off-spinner and destroyer-in-chief in England’s first inning Saeed Ajmal thought he could pull off an Agarkar.

Ajmal had said at the start of the series that he has developed a new ball, the teesra.

Throughout their first inning, the English batsmen remained pre-occupied with identifying the teesra. In the meantime, Kevin Pietersen lost his wicket to the pehla, Ian Bell to the doosra and Andrew Strauss to one that isn’t even numbered.

But, Ajmal’s teesra ball remained as illusionary as Agarkar’s promised all-rounder avatar.

But pulling off such hoaxes in the post-Agarkar era isn’t easy. The wisened English team is almost sure that the only teesra ball Saeed Ajmal may have developed can only be revealed in a thorough physical examination.

You can hear the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

From agneepath to agony-path: How KJo lost out

Published on January 13, 2012 in Latest. 2 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The much-touted Agneepath series has, so far, proved to be ‘agnee’ for the Indians and ‘path’ for the Australians.

In the first two tests, the Indians have scored a measly 26 runs per wicket compared to the Australians’ 51 runs per wicket. The Australians have scored 3 centuries including an unbeaten triple while the Indians’ highest score is 83 scored by, believe it or not, Gautam Gambhir.


So mismatched has this contest been that the ‘Border-Gavaskar Trophy’ has been reduced to the ‘Border-Rohan Gavaskar Trophy’.

It doesn’t augur well for film producer Karan Johar who would have hoped that this tour would do to his upcoming film Agneepath what the 2007 T20 world cup did to Chak De India.

All that the series has managed for his film so far is half the nation calling it the ‘agony-path’, a description that should have been reserved till at least the release of the film.

But the guys who are turning out to be the smartest of the lot are the producers of The Dirty Picture. For not succumbing to the temptation of piggybacking the other slogan being irresponsibly bandied around by the channel – Thunder Down Under.

Securing the Indian team

After getting their fingers taped by the team management, the Indian team finds itself woefully exposed and vulnerable. Quite understandably, the team has asked for extra protection from the dangerously aggressive Australian crowds.

Given that there have hardly been any missiles from the crowd, the security team was hard spent to find out what it is that they are supposed to protect the Indian team from. It’s only when Virat Kohli explained to them the verbal volleys he was subjected to, “the worst he has ever heard”, the officials finally understood the magnitude of the problem facing them.

They have acted swiftly and decisively, and gifted each Indian player a pair of earplugs.

Masala cricket update

Mumbai Indians needed a wicketkeeper-batsman almost as desperately as King’s XI Punjab needed hard cash. So, they have spent $2.35 million of Mukesh Ambani’s hard earned money to buy Dinesh Karthik from King’s XI Punjab.

To celebrate the occasion, Dinesh Karthik promptly scored a duck in the next match he played against Mumbai in the Ranji Trophy semi-finals.

Pssst…Dinesh, Mumbai is not Mumbai Indians.

Last year’s bottom-rungers Delhi Daredevils have compensated for their lack of on-field daredevilry by buying Kevin Pietersen for $2.3 million from Deccan Chargers who had bought him for $650,000 in the last auctions.

Kevin Pietersen’s buy sets a new record for the biggest IPL blunder, breaking the previous record set by the creation of Kochi Tuskers.

Bangladesh Premier League or BPL is set to take off later this year. Their franchises went under the hammer recently with Chittagong emerging as the most expensive franchise at $1.2 million.

In a magnanimous move, the BCCI is offering each franchise a BPL card.

The next big Patel

A young medium fast bowler who goes by the name Harshal Vikram Patel has hit the headlines by taking two consecutive 8-fers in the Ranji Trophy knockout matches.

After Dipak Patel retired and Parthiv Patel’s career refused to hit puberty and Munaf Patel’s good name was dishonoured by Bobby Darling, Harshal Patel has emerged as the next big Patel hope in cricket.

Although, given how big Samit Patel is, bagging that title will certainly not come easy for young Harshal.

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live alternate commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Virat’s finger, the new research topic

Published on January 6, 2012 in Latest. 4 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Virat Kohli will now be known as Virat Ungli. Not because he has the longest finger in the world. But because he thinks he does.

“Why else would he be so keen to proudly display it to the world?” asked Darwinian sociologist Dr. Terryman Key, who took a break from his study on the common DNA strain between Sreesanth and Pattinson to explain to me how an obsession with size and public exhibition is a natural primate instinct.

Virat, in his short international career, has shown all signs of becoming an interest of study for Dr. Key.

“His usage of the finger makes him a unique primate and makes him deserving of a species title,” Dr. Key said. “And Ungli just feels like the right name for him.”

Despite his conviction on the discovery of the Ungli species, Dr. Key found some contradictions that even he couldn’t explain. Take for example Virat’s tweet after the act.

“I agree cricketers don’t have to retaliate. What when the crowd says the worst things about your mother and sister. The worst I’ve heard,” he had tweeted.

Dr. Key compared this with a specially edited package of Virat’s catches and dismissals, each of which was followed by expletives about one’s sister. “In my years of research, I haven’t come across any primate who couldn’t hear himself,” he said still shaking his head.

No sympathy
The man on the street isn’t sympathetic to Virat and feels that the defensive tweet was not befitting of a Delhiite. Gurgaon property dealer Balwinder Singh feels that Virat should have done something more “mardaana” like what Inzamam and Afridi had done.

At least something ban-worthy.

BCCI Unmoved
It’s hard for even the die-hard Virat fan to condone Virat’s act, as you can’t possibly be succumbing to every animal instinct unless you are a politician. And let’s face it, Virat is no neta.

So he must face the consequences like some other sportsmen have in the past.

In the 1994 FIFA World Cup, German midfielder Stefan Effenberg was dropped from the squad and sent back home after he showed the finger to fans at Dallas. He never played for Germany again.

The BCCI’s reaction has been as extreme as the German Football Federation’s, except that it’s at the other end of the spectrum. Forget any immediate punishment, there’s not even been a statement condemning the act or a show cause notice or an explanation from team management. Just dead silence.

To probe the BCCI’s view, I called up a couple of senior officials.

“There has been a very big misunderstanding. Virat had earlier seen both Ponting and Clarke raise their bats after reaching their centuries,” the official explained. “In this case, Virat had showed a great fielding effort after which he wanted to acknowledge the crowd. And, unfortunately, he had nothing in his hands other than his finger.”

The other official was far more pragmatic and believable. He said that the Board usually expects its players to respond to criticism by performing on the field. But that you will score runs or take wickets can’t be guaranteed. With the IPL and a packed cricket calendar, the board has been looking at ways of reducing each player’s workload.

“I think Virat did the right thing,” he said. “Why take the tough route when a simpler one is available?”

You can listen to the Fake IPL Player’s live audio commentary during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in