Archive for the 'Best of FIP' Category

Awards Night and Farewell

While the IPL closing ceremony is on, I am pleased to share with you an exciting piece of news. IPL’s FIP Reader’s Choice Awards will be given in a glittering function at the Buckingham Palace Lawns on 4th June. The Queen and the Prince have declined their presence because of prior engagements. However, the rest of the glitterati are expected to attend the event in full splendour.

True to his style Saala Slimeball has already ordered for a gold coloured Shamiana studded with all sorts of stones. The brief is to make something more hideous than the trophy itself, which will take some doing I tell you. The Shamiana vala is currently busy slapping all the sponsors’ logos on gold sheets. All speeches at the event are sponsored by Sprite, which automatically disqualifies Slimeball from giving this customary Thank You speech. Kishen Kanhaiyya lost the job as soon as he said “I will be there like a tracer bullet”. And Nanny Horrible-son was, at the time, trying out his latest stunt of lifting 4 cheerleaders on his shoulders and 2 on his lap, and couldn’t muster up a good enough reply. The show will now be anchored by all Set Max anchors. Doesn’t get straighter than this as they know all TVs would in any case be on Mute.

As readers of this blog, you have the privilege of knowing all the winners well in advance because, well, you guys have picked them anyway.

IPL FIP’s READER’S CHOICE AWARDS

Pair pe kulhaadi Award:
Appam Chutiya for his marathon run after claiming wicket of Cool Dude and ruining own prospects in Indian team.
Contributed by Vimmmie

Best Dialouge in an action sequence:
Little John to Bookha Naan where Little John barges into his room and says “You say new pitch, but it’s old pitch. How you say how to do balling when you don’t know pitch.”
Contributed by Srikanth

Best motivational speech Award:

Prince to whole of Bubblies team referring to Appam “Attitude toh poora Masala Dosa type deta hai aur bowling Appam type karta hai”
The comment that changed Appam’s destiny.

Lifetime achievement Award:

Lordie (ahem! its a sign that its time to go home and rest those old bones)
Contributed by Ninaonia and Sandeep

OK Saabun ‘Sachmuch Kaafi Bada Hai’ Award:

RVR Singh aka Pamela Inder Singh
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Lux Cozy ‘Apna luck saath leke chalo’ Award: Kishen Kanhaiya
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Baazigar Award:

Appam Chutiya for proving that jeet ke bhi haarne wale ko chutiya kehte hain, for reasons mentioned in the first award.
Contributed by Anonymous

Haath mein aaya par muh na laga paaya Award:
Cool Dude (2nd time now!)
Contributed by Aar Jay

Most insightful commentator Award: (Jointly held)

Ramiz Raja for the comment on Amit Mishra:”Amit Mishra can spin the ball”

Mbwanga for the comment during the semifinals: “Chennai would like to win the match”

Alistair Campbell for “2 overs remaining. That’s 12 balls folks”

L Sivaramakrishnan:”These are crucial times. Last 10 overs”

(All commentators awards contributed by Sanks)

Aaj Tak Sabse Tez Award:
Lordie, the Agile Tiger (only after getting a wicket)
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Chutiyaap: Ye chhooney se nahin failta Award:
Appam Chutiya’s chutiyaap, else the whole Bubblies’ team would have been appams by now
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Order of the British Empire (OBE): (Thanks Tathagat)
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Colgate Last Laugh Award:
Phoren Babas

Sorry Dildo, you dont win any awards this year, so you can throw away that speech you wrote and rehearsed in the loo!
Contributed by Ninaonia

Lifetime Achievement Award Should go to FIP. coz i dont think u have achieved nethng bigger than this blog yet in ur life.! no offence!!
Contributed by Manan

@Manan: While you are spot on in your assumption of FIP’s achievements, but organisers and people associated with the award function aren’t eligible.

BEST PALTIBAAJ Award..to FIP for a 360degree change on backtracking from his decision to disclose his identity..
Contributed by Devilinside

@Devilinside: A 360 degree turn essentially brings you back to your original position, so where’s the palti my friend? Anyway, your mistake is ignored here since you too are the “devil inside” ;-)

(Also, please read Rahul D’s award list in the comments section (4th page). They are hillarious)

Anyway folks, IPL’s over. An extravaganza that’s successfully converted India’s cricket and entertainment economy into political power across the cricket playing world. A showcase of India’s economic prowess like none other. We’re happening and the world knows it. This IPL has been fun and we all know there’s more to come.

I will be away for a while now, but I will be back before you can say Blueberry Pie. Can’t tell you exactly when I will return though. But keep checking in once in a while and I may just surprise you.

Till we meet again, good bye and good luck.

(954)

FIP RIP

(2315)

This and that

This will probably be a quickie. No, no. Not the type that the Sheikh prefers. I meant this will be a short and quick post.

The hunt for FIP has been renewed after a brief ceasefire. So, I can write only when I am absolutely safe and out of reach.

All of us have been asked to lay low with all the off-field controversies surrounding us. We have been directed not to speak with any media or give any statements or tell anyone outside the team about anything that may have happened in the past. So, that’s exactly what I am doing here.

Late last night, we were asked uh..actually requested… to assemble. All the Phoren Babas were there too. And they all spoke about how highly they regard India and India’s culture. They apologised for anything that may have been said in the heat of the moment. They said that they didn’t mean any harm and had nothing but absolute respect for everyone in the team. You know what, most of the Phoren Babas are nice and friendly. It’s just a small, tiny group that sucks. Unfortunately, they stick to Bhookha like some strange extensions of his male anatomy, and hence are very influential in the scheme of things. Btw, Dildo is in touch with Slimeball on the issue and there’s an attempt to hush up the matter.

Dildo has finally realised that changing (and then re-changing) the name on the advice of a famous bollywood numerologist is not enough to win the IPL. For that, you need a team of players. So, the inevitable will happen almost as soon as we return. Heads are certain to roll, irrespective of what’s being said in the press. The directive has come right from the top. Next year, our team will have a completely new look. And I am not talking about the jerseys here, which incidentally may also change. Hardly anyone who forms part of the management, support staff and team will be around next year. As I mentioned earlier, Sticky has confirmed his participation next year. Talks are on with another former Aussie player with very close ties with our city even as I write this. It seems bringing him on board will help assuage public anger. Also, Sticky has backed the idea of bringing him on. Which also means that Lordie may have no role to play next yr given his own relations (or the lack of it) with the new Messiah being brought in.

We haven’t got our return tickets yet, but the Phoren Babas are returning straight to their respective countries. No parties are being organised, as expected. Boy George has been summoned to Bombay. He will be asked to give the marching orders to everyone before he
himself is fired.

About our game, well, you all saw it so there really isn’t much that I can add. Except that nobody knows why the Emerald Pearl was chosen over Bangla Tiger. Bhookha has his own theories derived from some complex mathematical calculations done on his laptop. And given the results I am quite convinced that he uses pirated Microsoft software.

Losses don’t hurt as much now. We know that we have to stay here for only a few days more, earn our salaries and return to the comforts of home. Hopefully, with slightly inflated bank a/cs.

Actually, we are the happiest team in the tournament right now. We don’t have any more flights to catch as we continue to stay put. We don’t face any performance pressures like other teams do. The Phoren Babas are keeping their mouths shut given all the revelations. There are no more compulsory training sessions. This is now like a paid holiday. And the brightest part of our defeats? Dildo continues to stay in India.

I feel bad for the skipper though. He is a good guy, just at the wrong time in the wrong team. Kaan Moolo was particularly upset after yesterday’s loss. He knows this was his last attempt at redemption, last chance to correct the 10 years of torture he has inflicted on Indian fans. Little John was angry too, but he’s been angry for a while now, mostly attributed to his forced celibacy, reasons for which have been told earlier.

After the match, Skipper had a heated discussion with Bhookha. He made it clear that he isn’t going to the press conference alone. Bhookha was of the view that he is neither the coach nor the captain and has no reason to meet the press. It’s a captain’s job and the captain needs to do it. As they say, success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The altercation was way beyond Boy George’s diplomatic skills. A quick call was made to Dildo and Bhookha was told to accompany Skipper to the press conference.

Some of our players had already told the journos what to ask. And we were hoping that a solid interrogation will take place. Some questions were asked but on the whole the team feels that they got away quite easy.

Appam has confessed to his close confidantes that he isn’t quite enjoying his new internet stardom. And the fact that his teammates and even the public in SA is calling him Appam is hurting him a lot. He is blaming this blog and Prince’s comment for his poor performance yesterday. Btw, the Prince has told him to go easy on practice as he is unlikely to get another
game anytime soon.

Heard that the Sheikh has done his hammy. Although, I hear that the hammy doesn’t quite interfere with his off-field workouts. Kameez Pajama is still smarting at the rejection and how the whole world knows about it now. He has vowed to abstain from any masculine pleasures on this trip, which is a good thing given he didn’t have much of a chance anyway. Also, sometime during this tournament, (& my apologies for completely missing out on it), the Prince and Sandy Baddy Babe have renewed their long friendship. They have been seen together in clubs, hotel lobbies and corridors having long discussions on the finer nuances of the beautiful game.

There is news that a certain famous brand is suspecting a rival brand to have orchestrated this blog as a means to sabotage their own marketing effort. This brand is conducting a sting operation to catch the suspected rival brand red handed. Talk about pissing on the wrong tree.

Will write later my friends. But only when I am completely safe.

P.S. Thanks for the votes. Although, I tend to think that my humble request on voting principles hasn’t been strictly followed. But the number of votes is simply humbling. Thanks again!

P.P.S. This was meant to be a quickie but ended up being quite a long and exhausting one. Man, with each passing day I am becoming more and more like the Sheikh.

(839)

The long and short of it

We play at the Centurion tomorrow. I can already see the Bevdaas standing in queue salivating…no, not at the booze stupid… but at the prospect of playing the one team they can always hope to beat. The most exciting part about these couple of days is that there are 3 other teams with us in the same city. And what a line up it is. The Bublies, the Desis, and the Bevdaas of course.

A few days ago I had introduced you to the blooming romance between Bevdaa and Panty Curry. The other night, the two had a few too many. Panty, with better capacity, managed to walk through the door. Bevdaa lost balance, tripped over, almost crash landed on 2 very scared nubile beings, eventually landed face down on the marbled floor. Security helped him up and out. It seems he’s had to chat with his cricket chief about it. Apparently, the chief was under the impression that Bevdaa was leading a spartan and pious lifestyle in SA. If only the chief had taken this blog a little more seriously, he may have saved himself the surprise.

The Prince is quite pissed with Appam. He’s been trying to tell Appam to reduce his attitude and improve his bowling. I have heard that nothing pisses off Appam more these days than someone calling him by his new name – Appam. Apparently, Big Mac had called him just that during change of overs the other day. And Cool Dude, who was batting with Mac at the time, had a huge grin on his face when he heard him say so. Prince hit him exactly where it hurts by saying, “Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai”. When the boss cracks a joke, you got to roll on the floor with laughter. The whole team was in splits after that comment, although Appam wasn’t quite amused. Probably he doesn’t like people calling him only by his first name.

The Bevdaas, but not the Bevdaa, were training next to us today. Their South African contingent looks strong and completely into it. I observed Deewar and his strong work ethic. The guy is quite intense and always seems to try so hard. Particularly visible in his running where, for all the effort he seems to put in, he hardly seems to make much progress. Almost like running on a treadmill with his small-small steps. He was hitting the ball hard though and will probably prove a point by the time this IPL ends.

News from our camp is that Sticky Something has verbally confirmed his availability to Dildo for next season depending on certain conditions. The idea is to declare him captain in a few months, and then let him build his team and support staff. Director of Operations and Coach, who till 3 weeks ago were the most important designations in our squad, will now be part of the support staff. Sticky will also oversee a local talent scout after their tour of England later this year. Nobody knows Lordie’s role next year. But the team’s not getting sold in a hurry, I can tell you this much.

Some of you have expressed your surprise and shock about an ex-cricketer’s comment on the supposed racist remark made by Bhookha. Well, I am surprised that it comes as a shock to you. More than 2 weeks ago I had written about the clear and visible class system in our team. Why do you think Shakespeare and Ganji were packed off in a hurry? Why do you think I was so upset about their departure? Why do you think that there was a near-mutiny in the ranks after that? Shakespeare bore some brunt of it and the most offensive statement to him, by the way, wasn’t spoken by Bhookha himself, but someone else in the coaching staff. I think Shakespeare is the one who’s had the chat with the ex-cricketer.

Speaking of Hanky Panky, Kameez Pajama, the late joinee in the commentators box, is desperately trying to make up for lost time. His first evening itself, right after his first match, he started acting fresh with Sandy Baddy Babe. Now Sandy’s an old hat at this shit. And she knew exactly how to put Kameez in his own Pajama. She gave her widest smile and said, “Pajama dear, I wouldn’t have gone out with you even when you were a player. You have high hopes of taking me out when you are just a commentator”.

Skipper has floated the idea about dropping himself from the 11 and be replaced by Pussy. The matter currently lies in the court of the 3 Wise Phoren Babas. If skipper stands down, then he has suggested Lordie to take over the reins. If Lordie refuses then I think Chatterjee Kaku will have to be flown in.

Our Un-think Tank has also been politely prodded by a member of the Indian Board to rest Little John ahead of the T20 WC. The view is that Little John is being sacrificed for a losing cause in our team. Fair enough, doesn’t really matter to us if we lose by 8 wickets or 9.

Finally, thanks for all your comments, suggestions and love. I have read almost all the comments to the last two posts. I have taken note of all your suggestions and good wishes. Aditi, Nisha, Priyanka, Nicky, Anjali, I love you too. But I can’t marry you. Let’s just assume that I am not the marrying type.

The guy who signed in as Appam Chutiya is hillarious. Do you think I shd rope him as a co-author of this blog?

‘M’, thanks for sharing your experience from last IPL. In fact, I think I know who you are. I remember you from last year. Although I wasn’t part of the squad I was close enough.

Hulo, tor pode moolo ;-) . Tor comment pode khoob bhalo laglo. Cheente perechish to?

Pramey, thanks for telling me that the blog’s going down. But till the time friends like u keep visiting, I am sure we’ll stay alive. Thanks for being there, man.

Prat, r u by any chance an Appam Chutiya fan? Why do u hate me so much that you want Set Max to hire me as a commentator?

Hi Raveena beta.

Hi Neo. Yes, you are right. I am a big liar. You are also very good looking, btw.

Hi Amanpreet. I will try not to stretch this like Kyunki…

Hi “I_Want_this_in_T20″. Any ideas how?

Also, thanks a lot for voting. I can see that a lot of you have said that it hasn’t been one-vote-per-person. The interesting thing is that, very unusually, after this post there was hardly any spam for almost 5-6 hours. Looks like Rahul and Makmoon were busy voting. I am overwhelmed by the response, though. I had no idea so many people visit this blog. Is there any place where they display number of visitors to a blog? If yes, please let me know.

More later guys. Take care.

(1469)

Volcano erupts in the pool

Our day off yesterday was mostly on predictable lines. Guys simply hanging around, getting wasted. Some guys were off shopping. Some others went to the beach.

But then things did get heated up a bit by the time the sun began to set. Post lunch, most of us were in and around the pool. 8 of the guys, including the skipper, were playing water polo, 4-a-side. Others, including Bhookha and some of his buddies, were sitting around drinking beer. When the guys called the water polo match off, the score read 11-11. Bhookha, in his warped sense of humour, remarked that even in this game we couldn’t win. Skipper, who’s been seething in anger for the last couple of days, quickly retorted saying, “We’re lucky you aren’t the coach here ‘coz then we’d have definitely lost”. Not sure whether that was really funny, but everyone in and around the pool broke out in loud laughter. Not just that, we were guffawing for a good 2 minutes. Bhookha’s face, already tanned red, seemed to be turning into a strange shade of purple. For the first time, ignoring that team meeting where Skipper rooted for Style Bhai, the Skipper has shown that he’s had enough of Bhookha. This one moment may prove to be a decisive moment in our failed IPL campaign. If I were to read too much into it, I think from now on the Skipper will run the ship.

I wonder what took Skipper so long. He didn’t select this team. He didn’t participate in the talent scout. He didn’t decide the batting order. He didn’t decide that Junta would bowl the Super Over. He didn’t prefer the young Aussie over Bangla. He didn’t have a problem with Style Bhai’s attitude. And when the shit has hit the fan, he is the one cleaning up. He, along with Dildo, have become the faces of our miserable performance. Where’s Bhookha, all this while? He is peacefully hiding behind the army of support staff he has collected for himself. And of course his laptop.

After the last match, Lordie’s had a quiet word with Skipper. Essentially telling him that if they have him in the side they need to use him properly. Can’t blame Lordie, you know. The guy padded up almost as soon as the openers were in. And he remained padded up for the rest of the inning. At his age, padding up and padding down is quite an effort, you know. These foreigners have absolutely no respect for the elderly, I tell you.

Dildo’s informed Boy George that he wants to be with the team for the last 2-3 matches. Looks like the marriage season in India is soon getting over.

News is rife that Dildo’s contacted Sticky Something and asked about his availability for the entire IPL season next year. If Sticky Something makes himself available, looks like he will be made captain and he will build the team for next year. Also, Dildo’s not selling the team, I’ve heard from very reliable sources.

I took time to read some of the comments. Looks like some of you want the dope on nocturnal activities of our superstars. I don’t blame you coz that’s what I want too. But unfortunately, I can’t be going to nightclubs every night. And moreover, everyone’s become very cautious about having anyone from our team around. And I will only write about what I see, hear and observe. I am not going to cook up stories to cater to the galleries. So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him.

Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who’ve made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?

Am headed for breakfast now. Will catch up with you folks later. Till then, alvida.

P.S. Some guy has been posting comments using the name IPL Anonymous. It’s not me. I will really appreciate it If any of you tech savvy folks can tell me how he’s doing it and how I can stop it.

(661)

Is this a bad dream?

It’s been more than 24 hours and yesterday’s loss still hurts. After the game, as I shook hands with the skipper, I felt a tinge of guilt. The pain of loss was evident in the Skip’s eyes. For all the uncomplimentary things I may have written about him, the guy definitely gave it his best. It’s just that he had to handle a lot more baggage than he was prepared for. The worst part is, he didn’t create any of the baggage, it was handed to him. He inherited a fractured squad, bloated egos, a string of hangers on, a demanding owner, and an unforgiving public. After the game, the skipper addressed all of us. He spoke of his failure as a player and a leader, owned up responsibility, promised everyone a chance to show his mettle, and encouraged us to take one game at a time.

It was amusing watching the coaching staff yesterday while the game was on. While our fielding coach was busy browsing naukri.com, our Throwing Coach accusingly glared at our Wicket-keeping coach every time Skipper and Buddhiman Baba had their slip ups in the outfield. After the match our bowling coach and our assistant coach were discussing whether Fake IPL Player is responsible for the dropped catches. I am waiting for the day Bhookha blames global warming for our performance.

We flew in to Durban today. This tour now seems like a hazy, repetitive dream. We wake up, go to the ground, get bashed around, return, go to sleep, wake up, fly into another city, get bashed around again, go to sleep… and the sequence continues. Will this ever end? Will I ever wake up? Chatterjee Kaku, jabaab deen.

After several false alarms, Calypso finally left us. Although, we didn’t quite get the party he promised, it was nice of him to stay back for the extra game. A game in which he scored 17, went wicketless and dropped a sitter. Thanks for staying, Maan.

The Kiwi coach will also leave us tomorrow after the game. He’s had a highly educative few days, marked with a very sharp learning curve, and he leaves with a halo around his head now. As he gathers all the pearls of wisdom he has collected and takes the Kiwi team to the T20 WC, we all know who the most dangerous team in that competition is going to be. All the best Mr. Mole. If you need any any assitance, our coach will soon be available.

Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn’t happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That’s a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league.

Skipper has promised some of the benchwarmers a chance in the next few games. Hope I get one too. Will keep you guys posted.

(539)

Port Elizabeth – Here we come again

We are back in Port Elizabeth, the same place where we were revaged in full public view just a few days ago. The sight of Aila blasting the crap out of our bowlers is still quite fresh in our minds. Ironically, this time we face the only team we have beaten so far.

We had a training session at the ground. The Bubblies were there too. And it was fun observing them go about their drills for today’s game.

Prince Charles looked ominous. He was stroking the ball really well. I have a funny feeling that he will finish a career or two today. Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It’s amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being. RVR Sing, aka Pamela Inder Singh, was bowling his breasts out. Lady Jaya was a picture of concentration at the nets. Deeghra Patan was swinging the ball both ways in the nets. Even Arnold Power stretched a muscle of two. All in all, they looked like a happy bunch of guys at the moment. And, given our level of preparedness, we are unlikely to spoil their mood today.

The Rajpoots were out celebrating their victory last night. They were at P.E.’s favourite watering hole, 9 Yards. Some of the Dhakkans were there too. And since, nobody invites us anymore, thanks to yours truly, we had to find out where they are and landed up at the venue. Haven’t seen the Two Sisters and Big Brother in P.E. as yet. Are they are still in SA? The Sheikh was in full form though. With the Two Sisters missing, the Sheikh was compensating quality with quantity, sitting with a few arm candies, the Dhakkan coach and a young Aussie cricketer. The Dhakkans’ cheer leaders seemed to be working over time last night. Now we know why they are at the top of the table (hope Dildo’s listening). Dhakkans’ middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders. He sure doesn’t want to misfield another one in the 49th over, does he? It was Castro’s last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole. Unfortunately, we have an early start today so had to return before things got really hot and out of control over there.

In our team, well, nobody has a frickin’ clue of what to do now. Not even one player – batsman or bowler – has performed so far. On what grounds do u drop anyone at all, or on what grounds do you select anyone? Last season, at least a couple of our players were close to getting into the Indian side. After this season, we don’t know if anyone from this team will make it to even next year’s IPL team. Our physio has confirmed that 3 support staff members will be sent back soon. And Bhookha Naan and his core group have already started their souvenier shopping. They have been politely spoken to by Boy George. Ironical again, coz even Boy should probably be on his way out. Lately, Dildo’s been asking him to justify a lot of the expenses and resources he has at his disposal. He seems to be the most stressed man in the squad at the moment.

Observing our team from a distance, it’s not hard to tell why we are the only side now with absolutely no chance of making it to the semis. The Phoren Babas hang out together, the support staff are in their own little world, the India rejects tend to stick together and the rest of us domestic players find comfort in each others’ company. Lordie usually finds someone in the opposing team to hang out with, like Prince Charles or Meera Bhai. There’s a very clear class system in our team. We truly are the Rainbow team in the Rainbow country. To tell you a secret, nobody in the team wants to hang around here any longer. We’d rather fly back and dance at a few weddings. If only we had the choice like some others do.

Skipper wants Bangla Tiger in the squad today. Candy Nickle spent a lot of time with him and while Deputy Coach spent time with the Springbok. One of them is definitely in today. Bangla adds zing to our bowling, while the Springbok has the experience of facing a bullet at point blank range and surviving – a skill that’ll come very handy while playing for our team.

Finally, it’s Calypso’s last game with us today. He’s been considerate enough to stay with us longer to help us win a match or two. The extra two matches also fatten up his bank a/c substantially, but I am sure that would have hardly crossed his mind given the selfless person he is. Calypso has promised to throw a lavish party for us tonight if we win the game. Sure maan! That’s the incentive we’ve been looking for all this while.

Amen!

(510)

Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us!

Calypso King is leaving us and his departure isn’t in very pleasant circumstances. The team management threw an early farewell party for him after the last defeat. Dildo wasn’t around to sponsor this one though, so it went from the team kitty. No one was particularly pleased with the idea of hanging out together, although no one objected to it openly. Since, the posts have been coming out, guys are making their own small groups and going out to places without informing others. No one wants Fake IPL Player to land up there and broadcast their nefarious activities to the whole world. In fact, the blog has affected the nocturnal lives of IPLers in more ways than one would have expected. Teams are now trying to find out before hand where our team is headed after the match, to ensure that they don’t land up at the same place. Kishen Kanhaiyya, whose tour took an unexpected turn after the Opium Night expose, is having the driest tour ever in his life. Little Sister has still not given in to the Sheikh’s famed magic. Little John’s been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he’s had to promise her that he will return to India “Ganga jaisa pavitra” (I couldn’t believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used). So, in the backdrop of all this, we had to go for Calypso’s farewell party.

While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there’s a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper’s ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.

For the rest of the evening, the two weren’t seen together. They didn’t shake hands before Calypso left the party.

Mangal Pandey’s phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha’s deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.

The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.

Apparently, Dildo didn’t meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there’s news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.

The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn’t enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what’s now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.

On the whole, the team’s now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can’t get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn’t much to play for any more.

Finally, it’s official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don’t, they’ll probably be sacked anyway.)

Your’s truly.

P.S. I think some website’s been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That’s not true. Under the circumstances I can’t live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.

P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It’s not me. I haven’t participated in the comments section. Pls don’t believe the guy posing as me.

P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo’s PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.

P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let’s see where this trail takes them.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.

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Battle of the losers

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo’s returned to India and I am pretty sure that’s the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.

We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather’s much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.

Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It’s almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.

The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn’t quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn’t in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.

Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker’s union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team’s performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he’d like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there’s very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything’s gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai’s been kept out becoz of Bhookha’s issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back – attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper’s had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can’t push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.

Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh’s camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister’s still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It’s not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.

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Big Match

Our big match today. The team isn’t finalized yet, but we are unleashing a new weapon for Big Mac. You’ll know when u see it. Bhookha Naan has come out with the best strategy of all. We won’t have a batting line up. Anyone should be prepared to walk in at any point in time. I am guessing, even Little John will have his crotch guard and helmet on right from the first ball itself.

Durban was where all the action was last night. What else do u expect with the 2 Big Bs in the same city – the Bubblies and the Bevdaas. 330, that’s the name of the night club at Point Road Durban where the party shifted after the match. All the usual suspects were there. Bevdaa was there under the watchful eyes of Peter Ka Beta. They weren’t exactly in high spirits. Neither would you if you’d just had a cork opener stuck in yous ass by your boss, reminding you that every run you scored so far has cost him $250,000. The bubblies were celebrating Patiala style, Prince had his hands full and the pack gawked around awkwardly. RVR Sing, who seems to have got silicon implants between seasons, was showing off his twin sisters wearing a thin, tight t-shirt. Would somebody please tell him that men’s tits aren’t exactly considered sexy? And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who’s unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard saying, “Saale. Kiss-se panga le raha hai? Agar yeh thappad maarega naa toh rone laayak bhi nahin rahega”. Unfortunately, better sense prevailed and Appam wasn’t seen near PKB for the rest of the evening.

Btw, I read some comments and I hate to disappoint you. Little John is indeed scoring and I am not exactly talking about his performance with the bat here. So all you guys out there who can’t get chicks coz the way you look, think of a career change seriously.

P.S Word has it that with dropping TRPs, Sandy’s hemlines been going up. True?

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