Archive for the 'Best of FIP' Category

Page 2 of 2

This team rocks

Published on April 22, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 203 Comments

The best thing about being part of this team is that it’s never short of any excitement. News is that the team management and the Phoren Babas think that Lordie is Fake IPL. Apparently, he was called into the CEO’s room where Dildo, Coachie, and Skipper, politely asked him about it. But, they forget that this is THE LORD OF THE RING they are dealing with. The man who has punched every possible cricket establishment in the face and continues to live by his own rules. Lordie would have nothing of it and walked off in a huff using the choicest words possible. After that, the camp’s divided again. Lordie is kind of on his own. Most fringe players think that it’s better to align with the New Order.

Btw, too much has been made out of Lordie being kept out of team meetings. He wasn’t kept out. It wasn’t a meeting. It was just one of the several times that the Phoren Babas and their little balls hang out together, Lordie finds his own company and others like me wander around hoping that someone would pull us into their camp.

The team management is tracking this blog carefully. They have identified 12 members of playing/non-playing staff who are beyond suspicion. Every body else is a suspect until the real one is caught. Someone even mentioned that there’s a reward on for anyone who catches the me red handed. May be they should install CCTV cameras in the bathrooms… Hmmmm… I am sure Dildo will enjoy that!

P.S. I am unable to check comments so can’t respond to them. But my bro tells me that some of you have been complaining about me deleting comments. Let me clarify, that no comments have been deleted by me so far.

(203)

Morning Training report

Published on April 22, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 135 Comments

Finally some good weather. Team is upbeat after y’day’s win. Lordie seemed very focused during training. He actually ran, and almost as fast as he did yesterday after taking the wicket! Little John skipped as it was optional training. I can understand it, he is after all a fast bowler and he def needed some time off after the “intense workout” he must have had last night. This is what I love abt top sportsmen. No matter how gawky u look or how sqweaky u speak, u still get the chicks. Dildo made an appearance at training. I can sense cold vibes b.w. Dildo and Lordie. I think if Lordie scores some runs now, he will have a jibe at Dildo. Am waiting… ;-)

(135)

Durban… Raining here as well

Published on April 20, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 53 Comments

Landed in Durban. A 2-hour flight, made shorter by the quick nap I took and some excitement just as we had started to descend. Our main spinner has been seen getting quite cosy with the new establishment. The spinner was also there at Opium last night celebrating our defeat. If you think of it, most of the guys there were from the defeated teams.

One of the Lordie’s boys (a batsman) commented on the spinner saying that he should get some sleep on the flight coz he hasn’t slept since he came to SA (apparently). To which the spinner responded saying “At least I don’t go to sleep while batting or bowling”. It was as bad as bowling a beamer. Lordie’s boy reacted just as any batsman would and was ready to get up from his seat and confront the spinner. Lordie had to intervene, said something to the boy and pacified him. I was sooo looking forward to an altercation. Would have added so much more spice to this post.

Lordie has been conducting himself really well. I must say. He has swallowed his pride, is being very cordial to the new establishment, even offers tips to the new skipper (which the skipper puts in the trash can anyway). On the whole, I am getting quite fond of Lordie as well as the new skipper. Both are nice blokes. But I just don’t like the Coach and his entourage. They hang out together, almost like its’ a Us vs Them. They are all the time talking amongst themselves, in a low pitch so no one can hear. We are quite suspitious of the lot.

Our back up keeper tells me that Badshah Dildo called up Coachie in the morning and told him what he thinks of our performance yesterday. Not that it was needed coz we could all see how we have performed. I think his patience is going to run thin this time round. Coach hasn’t spoken to anyone since last night’s defeat. He was on his laptop the entire time that I have seen him today. I think he wants to send his laptop in to bat in the next time, given the amount of time he spends with it. May be if he spent half that time with us players, we may win a match or two.

By the way, it’s raining in Durban as well. I hope it rains tomorrow and the match’s called off. At least we’ll get a point. I don’t see any other way out for us.

Will update you once we have our team meeting later today. Till then, adios!

(53)

Opium Night

Published on April 20, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 129 Comments

As I write this I am nursing a slight hangover and sleep deprivation. It’s 6.30 am here, I have just woken up. My roomie is still asleep so it gives me a good chance of posting this blog. I went out clubbing last night, returned at 4.30, barely managed to sleep for a couple of hours and here I am. Not that I have much to do here, so I can peacefully sleep through the day without anyone noticing. The only problem is that we leave for Durban today morning to play the Bubblies. Now, that will be something.

I have hit it off well with the Sports Management company manager who handles our PR. He is a smart young MBA-type Bombayite. Good sense of humour, must be good with the ladies, knows all the hot spots to go to. Good guy to know. He invited me to join him downtown for a night out at a club.

We took a cab to Opium. And what a club it is. I mean, I have never seen a club as pulsating as Opium. The club was packed, the crowd was trendy and chic, the babes were hot and slutty, there was a live band playing. I mean, the place was happening.

And guess what. The most colourful characters of IPL were there. At the entrance, we had our Kishen Kanhaiyya commentator standing right in front of me. Can’t miss him with his height, pot belly and receding hairline. Thanks to my Sports Manager friend, we got in without paying. Inside, some of the bubblies were there. Prince of Patiala was there with some of his team boys. All tall fast bowlers. They were gawking at all the sexy babes on the dance floor. Prince though seems to attract a lot of attention from the ladies. Appam Chutiya was also there. I don’t know what he is doing in SA coz he aint fit to play at all. Apparently, he is their main cheerleader. If so, I don’t see him dancing around in mini skirts at the boundary line. But he sure was dancing here. Doing his stupid, ill-rhythmed break dance steps on club beats. He stood in one corner as if he doesn’t want to get mobbed. But dude, nobody here cares a fuck for who you are. To them you are just a duffus with colored hair, glasses and strange dance steps. I went to the bar counter to get myself a drink. I overheard 2 girls talking. One of them seemed to be of Indian origin. They were talking about Appam Chutiya. One of them said that “he doesn’t have a nose. He has 2 large holes instead of a nose”. I burst out laughing. Kishen Kanhaiyya (KK) commentator hung around the bar with a 30+ well endowed white woman. She wore a sleeveless dress, full length with a generous neckline. KK seemed to be going for the kill. The prey in this case was happy enough to be hunted. They left the place together around 1 am. The Patiala Prince’s gang was hanging around like a pack of hyenas. They would be gawking at any piece of meat walking by. Eventually, the Prince went in to get his share of the meat, a couple of others tried their luck. The rest went back to the rooms with nothing but their bats in their hands.

As for me, I got what I wanted. My 2 hours of sleep. Now, I pack my bags and am on to Durban.

More later guys. Take care.

(129)

I knew it!

Published on April 20, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 39 Comments

Didn’t I tell you all along that we have no chance in hell to do better than last time round. But now I am changing my prediction. We will be last placed in this IPL. Haha! Lovely. What do you expect from a team that’s as confused as a…well… uh… I can’t think of anything as confused as our team, but I think you get the point. We knew who all are playing and detailed strategies were worked out for every opposition player. As for our batting, we knew exactly how to approach our inning. Play your strokes in the first 6, get to about 50-1. Then Lordie guides the middle order through. Keep wickets till the 15th. And then go hammer and tongs. Brilliant strategy coachie. But for one small problem. What happens if we are 20-3 off 8. We hadn’t planned for that. So, one player walks in and starts auditioning for a test match role. When he gets out, the next one walks in and wallops a six off the first ball. And then, predictably gets out. To each his own, that seemed to be the mantra. Thanks to Little John and co. we managed to get to 3 figures. Between the innings, while coachie was deep in his thoughts on how to philosophise our beautiful batting display, his deputy and the skipper gave their pep talks. They were seen in animated discussions with our fast bowling attack comprising India’s best fast bowler, a good India prospect and a former India fast bowler who will remain a former India fast bowler for the rest of his career. All strategies were put to rest while on the field and we were finished.

Our owner, Badshah Dildo didn’t make an appearance after the match. There was a bit of stillness about things. Nobody talked too much. Lordie didn’t gloat at all, possibly because of his own miserable score. The setting was right for him to play a magical inning and show Dildo what he’s all about. The Coach was shitting bricks, I think. You can’t tell much from his exterior, but it’s the Coach who is running the show now and he has to take the flak. He had told Dildo that if Dildo wants the IPL, he’s got to let him run it his way. Otherwise, he can’t guarantee the IPL. But now, he’s got everything he wanted. He has his own entourage, most of whom do nothing but lob balls during fielding practice. Dildo’s paying for everything. He’s got his own captain. He has his team. Now all that’s required is for us to win a match or two. I think we have a chance against the Bubblies from land of 5 rivers. But even then, if Prince of Patiala gets going, we are finished.

Dildo’s cold shoulder’s going to hurt for a long time. I am waiting to see if he hangs around in SA after we lose the first 3 matches.

We are now back in our hotel rooms. Just generally chilling out. And planning for the exciting night ahead.

(39)

First sign of dissent

Published on April 19, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 55 Comments

Guys, the first sign of dissent against the New Order. Not surprisingly, the one Indian who can take his place for granted in our line up has stood up. During our meeting when our jackass coach was telling our fast bowlers on how to bowl at the Pedophile Priest, he had said that we will play on a new wicket and hence the ball will have carry etc. But now it turns out that we are playing on the same wicket that was used for both matches yesterday. I had gone to the room of our fast bowler Little John. His state-mate was also there. Little John was hopping mad at how the coach hadn’t even done his home work and was misguiding us. I asked him how does his affect his strategy. He blabbered something like “strategy kya hai yaar, lekin pata toh hona chahiye na ki pitch kya hai”. Little John says that his very very special friend Ram, who is playing against us today, mentioned it off-hand expecting us to know this already. After that Little John barged into the Coach’s room and let loose. I can only imagine Little John standing in front of our equally little Coach and screaming in his wierd, hoarse voice, “You tell new pitch. But it’s old pitch. How you tell how to do balling when you dont know pitch”.

It’s still raning guys… We may not get a game

(55)

Lord not opening

Published on April 19, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 45 Comments

Just out of the team meeting held in the Coach’s suite. Skipper did most of the talking. He is opening with the Calypso King. Lord Almighty is at No. 3. Some bull-shit about using his experience to guide the middle order, similar to what the other 2 of the troika did yesterday. Lord sat there straight faced. Didn’t say much. Didn’t smile at all. I was standing at one corner straight across the Lord. And given my height and stature I can go quite unnoticed. I was observing the Lord carefully, each twitch of his eyes, every movement of his thumb, his gaze. He is very unhappy and uncomfortable. Being treated like this in front of his bacchas.

Btw, I can see from my window that the rain’s getting harder. I wonder if we’ll get 2 matches in today.

(45)

We play today

Published on April 19, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 50 Comments

We have just returned from our morning training session. It was a good session. Everyone turned up. And everyone was serious. Lord Almighty was as serious as I have ever seen. RDB was bowling short at him and at his rib cage. Lord handled it quite well, mostly. Once or twice he did get caught up with his technique though. Lord practiced his inside-out shot over cover a lot. I remember, way back in 2001, he had slaughtered an international pace attack in the one dayers hitting over covers for sixes. He knows he needs to stamp his authority over the team and the tournament. He wants to teach Dildo and the Phoren Babas a lesson for messing with him. Especially after the other two who form the troika with him scored 50′s yesterday guiding their respective teams to victory.

After the session, the new skipper gave us a pep talk. He talks well though, and seems committed. Our coach, the professor, is quite a bore. I just don’t understand what goes through that head of his. In fact, I don’t understand a word he says. But I like the new skip. He seems to be a good man. He wants to win. But I don’t think he knows my name yet. And the Lord… well… he smiled to me yesterday. I am not sure who’s side I will take. Well, whoever gives me a game in this IPL will have my loyalty forever.

Last night inauguration was quite a bore. I enjoyed the 2 songs performed by Snow Patrol and the laser show was ok. Rest of it was quite a bore. The players just stood in the middle chatting amongst themselves. Prince Charles of Patiala was cracking lewd and stupid jokes about the skimpily clad girls who were performing. And the fringe players in his team were laughing so loudly that I thought they will call off the ceremony because of that. Not that his jokes were funny. It’s just that you got to laugh at the boss’ jokes if you want to be in the side. Btw, the bevdaa who got out on duck yesterday almost hit the bottle after the ceremony before his team management wisked him away. I think they have put 3-4 bodyguards around him to keep him away from the bar…Hahaha… My former school team mate is playing with the Bevdaas. Before the opening ceremony I went up to him to congratulate him. Apparently, the Bevdaas owner Mr. Batlivala had sent him man into the dressing room between innings. And his displeasure with the batting display was conveyed in no uncertain terms to the team. Apparently, the threat was quite real. Also seen before the opening ceremony was our Lord Almighty in an intense chat with the Little Monster. I think he was venting his frustration with Vinnie Dildo and the Phoren Babas.

I think the Lord is under pressure. Our team for today is still not announced yet. But, I think it’s clear that Lord is playing and also opening. He will probably be joined by the Calypso King while the new skipper will come lower down. Strange decisions. If you don’t have the Lord as captain, no point keeping him in the team either. Coz he can’t outrun even a tortoise. If I am in, at least I’ll save some runs even if I dont score more than him. Anyway, thankfully the team doesn’t trust me to serve drinks or carry messages either. So, I will just put up my feet and enjoy a good game of cricket from the best seat in the stadium.

Will write again as soon as the team’s decided.

Cheers.

(50)

Let the games begin

Published on April 18, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 158 Comments

Well, I am the perennial no hoper. In fact, the only time I had hope was when I played for my school. They thought I might make it to the test side one day. Well, made it to the Ranjis, but never beyond. And this time round, am part of the IPL. Actually, I am not too sure why I am here. The team’s full of super stars and all I do it bowl a bit, bat a bit, and field like a maniac. But, there’s one thing I do very well. Serve drinks. And that’s what I am expecting do in South Africa. As I said, I am a no hoper. And have no hopes of getting a match in IPL.

One good thing about the IPL money is that I have bought myself this thing called MacBook Pro. My cousin tells me that it’s the best. As for me, I am still trying to figure it out. This doesn’t have a left click/right click, the icons fly past you like a film. But it looks great. As I said, I am a no hoper. And I dont think I will manage much beyond surfing the net.

The other good thing about the IPL is that I can see all these big shots from pretty close range. My team has a superstar captain…err sorry… ex-captain. We have a megalomaniac as our owner. Our coach comes with loads of attitude and baggage. Some of our international players are interesting characters. Unfortunately, our biggest international player has dropped out this time. Otherwise, the scenes would have been even more interesting.

And throughout the IPL, I will be bringing to you the “aankhon dekha haal”, right from inside the dressing room, meeting room and players’ bedrooms ;-) .

Let the games begin!

(158)