Archive for the 'IPL 2009' Category

Awards Night and Farewell

Published on May 24, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 543 Comments

While the IPL closing ceremony is on, I am pleased to share with you an exciting piece of news. IPL’s FIP Reader’s Choice Awards will be given in a glittering function at the Buckingham Palace Lawns on 4th June. The Queen and the Prince have declined their presence because of prior engagements. However, the rest of the glitterati are expected to attend the event in full splendour.

True to his style Saala Slimeball has already ordered for a gold coloured Shamiana studded with all sorts of stones. The brief is to make something more hideous than the trophy itself, which will take some doing I tell you. The Shamiana vala is currently busy slapping all the sponsors’ logos on gold sheets. All speeches at the event are sponsored by Sprite, which automatically disqualifies Slimeball from giving this customary Thank You speech. Kishen Kanhaiyya lost the job as soon as he said “I will be there like a tracer bullet”. And Nanny Horrible-son was, at the time, trying out his latest stunt of lifting 4 cheerleaders on his shoulders and 2 on his lap, and couldn’t muster up a good enough reply. The show will now be anchored by all Set Max anchors. Doesn’t get straighter than this as they know all TVs would in any case be on Mute.

As readers of this blog, you have the privilege of knowing all the winners well in advance because, well, you guys have picked them anyway.

IPL FIP’s READER’S CHOICE AWARDS

Pair pe kulhaadi Award:
Appam Chutiya for his marathon run after claiming wicket of Cool Dude and ruining own prospects in Indian team.
Contributed by Vimmmie

Best Dialouge in an action sequence:
Little John to Bookha Naan where Little John barges into his room and says “You say new pitch, but it’s old pitch. How you say how to do balling when you don’t know pitch.”
Contributed by Srikanth

Best motivational speech Award:
Prince to whole of Bubblies team referring to Appam “Attitude toh poora Masala Dosa type deta hai aur bowling Appam type karta hai”
The comment that changed Appam’s destiny.

Lifetime achievement Award:
Lordie (ahem! its a sign that its time to go home and rest those old bones)
Contributed by Ninaonia and Sandeep
OK Saabun ‘Sachmuch Kaafi Bada Hai’ Award:
RVR Singh aka Pamela Inder Singh
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Lux Cozy ‘Apna luck saath leke chalo’ Award: Kishen Kanhaiya
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Baazigar Award:
Appam Chutiya for proving that jeet ke bhi haarne wale ko chutiya kehte hain, for reasons mentioned in the first award.
Contributed by Anonymous

Haath mein aaya par muh na laga paaya Award:
 Cool Dude (2nd time now!)
Contributed by Aar Jay

Most insightful commentator Award: (Jointly held)

Ramiz Raja for the comment on Amit Mishra:”Amit Mishra can spin the ball”

Mbwanga for the comment during the semifinals: “Chennai would like to win the match”

Alistair Campbell for “2 overs remaining. That’s 12 balls folks”

L Sivaramakrishnan:”These are crucial times. Last 10 overs”

(All commentators awards contributed by Sanks)

Aaj Tak Sabse Tez Award:
Lordie, the Agile Tiger (only after getting a wicket)
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Chutiyaap: Ye chhooney se nahin failta Award:
Appam Chutiya’s chutiyaap, else the whole Bubblies’ team would have been appams by now
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Order of the British Empire (OBE): (Thanks Tathagat)
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Colgate Last Laugh Award:
Phoren Babas

Sorry Dildo, you dont win any awards this year, so you can throw away that speech you wrote and rehearsed in the loo!
Contributed by Ninaonia

Lifetime Achievement Award Should go to FIP. coz i dont think u have achieved nethng bigger than this blog yet in ur life.! no offence!!
Contributed by Manan

@Manan: While you are spot on in your assumption of FIP’s achievements, but organisers and people associated with the award function aren’t eligible.

BEST PALTIBAAJ Award..to FIP for a 360degree change on backtracking from his decision to disclose his identity..
Contributed by Devilinside

@Devilinside: A 360 degree turn essentially brings you back to your original position, so where’s the palti my friend? Anyway, your mistake is ignored here since you too are the “devil inside” ;-)

(Also, please read Rahul D’s award list in the comments section (4th page). They are hillarious)

Anyway folks, IPL’s over. An extravaganza that’s successfully converted India’s cricket and entertainment economy into political power across the cricket playing world. A showcase of India’s economic prowess like none other. We’re happening and the world knows it. This IPL has been fun and we all know there’s more to come.

I will be away for a while now, but I will be back before you can say Blueberry Pie. Can’t tell you exactly when I will return though. But keep checking in once in a while and I may just surprise you.

Till we meet again, good bye and good luck.

(543)

Rest in pieces

Published on May 23, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 833 Comments

It ain’t over till it’s over folks. I was all set to rest in peace after my ‘don’t tell all’ video, but the ferocity of comments has shattered my rest to pieces and compelled me to return for this one last post for this IPL season. I can take anything you guys hurl at me, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere. You can call me anything you want and I won’t mind a bit, but one particular anonymous commenter simply crossed the final frontier of my tolerance by calling me Bishen Singh Bedi. Even the guy who called me Himesh had some sense level of decency, although how he recognised Himesh without a mike held at a precise 47.5 degree angle is a little hard to understand.

If you are still reading this post after my obituary, I assume that you are amongst the 37% of readers who have enjoyed the blog in the right spirit, have contributed to the quality of the blog with your intelligent, witty comments and constructive criticism. I hope I am safe to assume that all the Mr. Anonymous’ and Ms Anonymous’ who started and continued inane & immature discussions in the comments section won’t find this blog interesting enough after the last video post. Also, given that the popularity of the blog should now be about 37% of what it was a week ago, I am reeeaaallllyyyy hoping that bleedin’ spammers like rahul and makmoon (I refuse to promote your site by adding the dot com, you idiot) will find some other more lucrative havens. Finally, the brave hearts would have signed off from this coward’s blog by now. It’s better to have lesser people on the site anyway.

I thought our own FIP Awards may be a good way to end the season. Given below is my list. Feel free to add your own categories and awardees in the comments section based on what you have seen, read or heard. I’ll compile a final list of Awards in the next post. Leave your names so I can include the contributor names in the final listing. What say, guys?

FIP Awards

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Best Batsman of Leg Spin/Googly/Flipper:
The guy who hangs around Big Sister for managing to hold on to his prized wicket in the face of a fierce onslaught by the Sheikh himself

‘Highest’ Scorer Award:
Little John

Saala Slimeball Award: Dildo

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Kaan Moolo Award:
Kaan Moolo

British OBE:
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Naukri.com Career Shift Award:
The numerologist who advised our team name change

LIC Retirement Benefit Plan Award:
Sparrow

Houdini Fastest Disappearing Act Award:
Dildo

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Greenpeace Award for Environment Consciousness:
Bevdaa for saving water

Colgate Last Laugh Award: Phoren Babas

One last thing. Trying to guess my identity or calling me fake are both exercises in futility. In time you shall know that in the cricketing world there’s the known, there’s the unknown, and somewhere in between is FIP.

FIP RIP

Published on May 20, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 2,143 Comments

(2143)

Straight from the Centurion

Published on May 18, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 715 Comments

Not sitting in the dugout tonight. Man, it’s freezing cold out there. Am just to the right of the dressing room right now and there’s 2 wi-fi enabled laptops here. We leave for Durban tomorrow, so may not get to post before wednesday. Here’s a quick one. Dildo’s managed to find some investors. He will sell some stake in the franchise but will continue to own it. It’s final now. It will be announced in abt 10 days. As I write this, Skipper seems to be taking us to an improbable win. When we left India, Dildo had asked us to do the impossible. He didn’t know that we’ll hear it as ‘win from impossible situations’ and ‘lose from impossible situations’ coz that’s all we seem to be doing this time round. Wednesday is the day, btw. It’s final!

The last leg

Published on May 17, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 576 Comments

Time’s really running out for us now and we need to catch up on so many important things. Like last minute shopping, enjoying the massages and spas, trying our luck with the ladies etc. Many of the boys have been busy doing a combination of all of these with varying degrees of success. In between all this, there was the small matter of losing yet another match in the final over. Which was duly done and dusted, and now we are back to our main occupation, looking for deals and some action on the side.

About the last match, well, it’s now safe to assume that team selection has hardly played a role in our performance. No matter who played, no matter who opened, no matter who bowled the last over, the result would always have been the same. If it were not for Chatterjee Kaku’s good wishes and Indra Devta’s blessings, we may have even returned without any points. Now, that would have been a fitting return gift to Dildo, wouldn’t it?

We were all gutted after the last match. There are 3 losses that have hurt us the most and this is one of them. Style Bhai got really heated up after the match, ranting about the fast bowlers, batsmen, coaching staff, almost everyone barring himself. The Coach reacted to it but was rudely interrupted by Kaan Moolo with his own cribs and complaints. This is probably one of the few matches in his entire career when Kaan Moolo is not directly responsible for the defeat and he certainly wasn’t letting go off this opportunity. He blasted off on a tangent accusing the Phoren Babas and their way of doing things. Mangal added a few choice words of his own in Hindi before we boarded our coach. Lordie just sat there observing and eventually walked off with a slight shrug. I can just sense how much he is enjoying this whole drama. He’s got that ‘I told you so’ look about him these days. Last seen, Boy George was translating Mangal’s words to Coach and Bhookha.

At the start of the last over, a couple of us in the dug out had in fact noticed that something was wrong with the field. One of us (and I am not naming him now for a reason which you will probably know later) also tried to draw the Phoren Babas attention to it, but was completely ignored. And the rest is history. If only there was a little more faith in our opinion, we could have at least won one proper match.

Apparently, losing to us is now being viewed as an offence that may warrant capital punishment. Dhakkans’ Big Boss had threatened their coach with dire consequences if they lost to us. The coach transferred the heat onto 3-4 young Indian batsmen who comprise their lower middle order. They were asked to shape up or be shipped out. I personally think this kind of talk may work in an Australian environment, but can really backfire in India. And it almost did. While they should thank Ghati Baba for saving their asses, a bottle of wine for the Skipper and a bouquet of roses for Bangla may not be out of order either. Too bad that the Bubblies weren’t as obliging today.

Personally, I am most pissed with Dildo’s indifference to our plight. At least the Bubblies have someone nice and cuddly to hug after a loss. Who do we have? Bhookha? I don’t see anyone hugging Bhookha and risking injury by getting poked in the heart by his bony ribcage. Dildo could have at least gifted us some nice teddy bears before leaving.

Lately, Bhookha’s often seen walking up and down corridors late at night mumbling something to himself. Plus, he really believes that he won’t be sacked. I am getting seriously concerned about his mental health now.

Thankfully, someone has taken mercy at our misery and decided to give us some company by losing matches from winning positions. Thanks to the Desis, it’s not lonely at the bottom anymore. Btw, there are murmurs of dissent against Aila. Many in the team believe Aila’s decisions have ended their tournament. The foreign players are a little more vocal about it, but even the desi players have started cribbing. However, most of it is behind closed doors at the moment and out of the public eye.

Bevdaas are on a high, quite literally. Batlivala threw them a grand party after the last match. There was wine, there were women and anything else that young sportsmen with high testesterone need. For guys like Chirkut Teli these parties are godsent as they are saved the pain of fending for themselves in night clubs. No better way to motivate the boys, right? Wish Dildo was here and learning some tricks for next year’s campaign. I have a feeling that the Bevdaas will lose the rest of their games. I love it when, as soon as Batlivala starts gloating about his team, they bring him crashing down.

Style Bhai, known for his love for the good life, has started sending feelers to Batlivala for next season. He doesn’t want to miss out on these parties, does he? Little John also has spoken to Sheru and wants a transfer to Dilwales next season. With Sticky joining the team, he doesn’t want to end up bowling at him only at nets, I guess.

A few answers to your comments now.

Hardik, thanks for suggesting this poll that made me look like a narcissist, as accused by Roshni. I have taken it off.

Anjali, u want me to write abt zoozoos. Who the hell is he? I thought I am the only one giving names here.

Abhi, thanks for continuing to visit the blog and leaving long comments despite the fact that u find the blog boring and my identity fake. I have always believed that guys like you are keeping this blog alive. I look forward to your continued partonage. Plus, I am neither plural nor in California.

Finally, our campaign is coming to an end. Just 2 more matches to go and then we are off. My day of revelation is also coming closer. I spent a lot of time over the last couple of days on the issue. Whether I should or shouldn’t? If I do disclose, should I do it while I am here or after returning home? So many questions with no answers. Wednesday is the day guys when I come out of the closet, if I do.

Get Shorty

Published on May 14, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 821 Comments

This one’s really going to be a short one cos I have very little time on my hands right now. For some reason, it took me a long time to get the poll thing working today. And it’s kind of eaten into the time I had to write. Will send a detailed one later.

Last evening, we were told that we are being investigated upon for match fixing. I mean, this is really funny. When I joined this team I had no clue that we will make so much news off the field. I mean, if there was an IPL for off-field screw ups, we’d have won pads down. Unbelievable. Reminds me of that 3-patti game, muflis or something. The worst hand wins. Wish we had muflis in IPL. We’d bee millionaires by now.

You know what’s funnier abt the match fixing investigation? No one seems to be asking the most logical question. Why would someone pay us to lose a match when we are doing the same for free? Anyway, all these allegations are bollocks. It’s just a way for some officials & their families to get free tickets and stay for the semis-finals weekend.

But it sure makes for even more interesting times. We have always been kind of a grouped-up team. So, the groups are kind of hanging around together. Don’t really have much to play for now, so it’s kind of easy. Most of the time is spent on bitching around and reliving the ‘match-fixing days’ told by those of us who saw it from closer quarters. Interesting times, really.

Anyway, the main intention of this post is to inform you that looks like we have a sufficient number of votes now. So, we’ll take this poll off now. But, we’ll replace the existing poll with another one. Right from the time this blog became popular, people have been guessing who FIP is. Many of you are also very certain who I am. How about taking the most common references and putting together a poll to see who the majority thinks I am?

So, please take a few seconds and click on the poll. We all know the polling principles, right?

More later Amigos. Adios.

This and that

Published on May 13, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 636 Comments

This will probably be a quickie. No, no. Not the type that the Sheikh prefers. I meant this will be a short and quick post.

The hunt for FIP has been renewed after a brief ceasefire. So, I can write only when I am absolutely safe and out of reach.

All of us have been asked to lay low with all the off-field controversies surrounding us. We have been directed not to speak with any media or give any statements or tell anyone outside the team about anything that may have happened in the past. So, that’s exactly what I am doing here.

Late last night, we were asked uh..actually requested… to assemble. All the Phoren Babas were there too. And they all spoke about how highly they regard India and India’s culture. They apologised for anything that may have been said in the heat of the moment. They said that they didn’t mean any harm and had nothing but absolute respect for everyone in the team. You know what, most of the Phoren Babas are nice and friendly. It’s just a small, tiny group that sucks. Unfortunately, they stick to Bhookha like some strange extensions of his male anatomy, and hence are very influential in the scheme of things. Btw, Dildo is in touch with Slimeball on the issue and there’s an attempt to hush up the matter.

Dildo has finally realised that changing (and then re-changing) the name on the advice of a famous bollywood numerologist is not enough to win the IPL. For that, you need a team of players. So, the inevitable will happen almost as soon as we return. Heads are certain to roll, irrespective of what’s being said in the press. The directive has come right from the top. Next year, our team will have a completely new look. And I am not talking about the jerseys here, which incidentally may also change. Hardly anyone who forms part of the management, support staff and team will be around next year. As I mentioned earlier, Sticky has confirmed his participation next year. Talks are on with another former Aussie player with very close ties with our city even as I write this. It seems bringing him on board will help assuage public anger. Also, Sticky has backed the idea of bringing him on. Which also means that Lordie may have no role to play next yr given his own relations (or the lack of it) with the new Messiah being brought in.

We haven’t got our return tickets yet, but the Phoren Babas are returning straight to their respective countries. No parties are being organised, as expected. Boy George has been summoned to Bombay. He will be asked to give the marching orders to everyone before he
himself is fired.

About our game, well, you all saw it so there really isn’t much that I can add. Except that nobody knows why the Emerald Pearl was chosen over Bangla Tiger. Bhookha has his own theories derived from some complex mathematical calculations done on his laptop. And given the results I am quite convinced that he uses pirated Microsoft software.

Losses don’t hurt as much now. We know that we have to stay here for only a few days more, earn our salaries and return to the comforts of home. Hopefully, with slightly inflated bank a/cs.

Actually, we are the happiest team in the tournament right now. We don’t have any more flights to catch as we continue to stay put. We don’t face any performance pressures like other teams do. The Phoren Babas are keeping their mouths shut given all the revelations. There are no more compulsory training sessions. This is now like a paid holiday. And the brightest part of our defeats? Dildo continues to stay in India.

I feel bad for the skipper though. He is a good guy, just at the wrong time in the wrong team. Kaan Moolo was particularly upset after yesterday’s loss. He knows this was his last attempt at redemption, last chance to correct the 10 years of torture he has inflicted on Indian fans. Little John was angry too, but he’s been angry for a while now, mostly attributed to his forced celibacy, reasons for which have been told earlier.

After the match, Skipper had a heated discussion with Bhookha. He made it clear that he isn’t going to the press conference alone. Bhookha was of the view that he is neither the coach nor the captain and has no reason to meet the press. It’s a captain’s job and the captain needs to do it. As they say, success has many fathers and failure is an orphan. The altercation was way beyond Boy George’s diplomatic skills. A quick call was made to Dildo and Bhookha was told to accompany Skipper to the press conference.

Some of our players had already told the journos what to ask. And we were hoping that a solid interrogation will take place. Some questions were asked but on the whole the team feels that they got away quite easy.

Appam has confessed to his close confidantes that he isn’t quite enjoying his new internet stardom. And the fact that his teammates and even the public in SA is calling him Appam is hurting him a lot. He is blaming this blog and Prince’s comment for his poor performance yesterday. Btw, the Prince has told him to go easy on practice as he is unlikely to get another
game anytime soon.

Heard that the Sheikh has done his hammy. Although, I hear that the hammy doesn’t quite interfere with his off-field workouts. Kameez Pajama is still smarting at the rejection and how the whole world knows about it now. He has vowed to abstain from any masculine pleasures on this trip, which is a good thing given he didn’t have much of a chance anyway. Also, sometime during this tournament, (& my apologies for completely missing out on it), the Prince and Sandy Baddy Babe have renewed their long friendship. They have been seen together in clubs, hotel lobbies and corridors having long discussions on the finer nuances of the beautiful game.

There is news that a certain famous brand is suspecting a rival brand to have orchestrated this blog as a means to sabotage their own marketing effort. This brand is conducting a sting operation to catch the suspected rival brand red handed. Talk about pissing on the wrong tree.

Will write later my friends. But only when I am completely safe.

P.S. Thanks for the votes. Although, I tend to think that my humble request on voting principles hasn’t been strictly followed. But the number of votes is simply humbling. Thanks again!

P.P.S. This was meant to be a quickie but ended up being quite a long and exhausting one. Man, with each passing day I am becoming more and more like the Sheikh.

(636)

The long and short of it

Published on May 11, 2009 in Best of FIP, IPL 2009 and Latest. 1,278 Comments

We play at the Centurion tomorrow. I can already see the Bevdaas standing in queue salivating…no, not at the booze stupid… but at the prospect of playing the one team they can always hope to beat. The most exciting part about these couple of days is that there are 3 other teams with us in the same city. And what a line up it is. The Bublies, the Desis, and the Bevdaas of course.

A few days ago I had introduced you to the blooming romance between Bevdaa and Panty Curry. The other night, the two had a few too many. Panty, with better capacity, managed to walk through the door. Bevdaa lost balance, tripped over, almost crash landed on 2 very scared nubile beings, eventually landed face down on the marbled floor. Security helped him up and out. It seems he’s had to chat with his cricket chief about it. Apparently, the chief was under the impression that Bevdaa was leading a spartan and pious lifestyle in SA. If only the chief had taken this blog a little more seriously, he may have saved himself the surprise.

The Prince is quite pissed with Appam. He’s been trying to tell Appam to reduce his attitude and improve his bowling. I have heard that nothing pisses off Appam more these days than someone calling him by his new name – Appam. Apparently, Big Mac had called him just that during change of overs the other day. And Cool Dude, who was batting with Mac at the time, had a huge grin on his face when he heard him say so. Prince hit him exactly where it hurts by saying, “Attitude toh poora masala dosa ka deta hai, aur bowling Appam jaisa karta hai”. When the boss cracks a joke, you got to roll on the floor with laughter. The whole team was in splits after that comment, although Appam wasn’t quite amused. Probably he doesn’t like people calling him only by his first name.

The Bevdaas, but not the Bevdaa, were training next to us today. Their South African contingent looks strong and completely into it. I observed Deewar and his strong work ethic. The guy is quite intense and always seems to try so hard. Particularly visible in his running where, for all the effort he seems to put in, he hardly seems to make much progress. Almost like running on a treadmill with his small-small steps. He was hitting the ball hard though and will probably prove a point by the time this IPL ends.

News from our camp is that Sticky Something has verbally confirmed his availability to Dildo for next season depending on certain conditions. The idea is to declare him captain in a few months, and then let him build his team and support staff. Director of Operations and Coach, who till 3 weeks ago were the most important designations in our squad, will now be part of the support staff. Sticky will also oversee a local talent scout after their tour of England later this year. Nobody knows Lordie’s role next year. But the team’s not getting sold in a hurry, I can tell you this much.

Some of you have expressed your surprise and shock about an ex-cricketer’s comment on the supposed racist remark made by Bhookha. Well, I am surprised that it comes as a shock to you. More than 2 weeks ago I had written about the clear and visible class system in our team. Why do you think Shakespeare and Ganji were packed off in a hurry? Why do you think I was so upset about their departure? Why do you think that there was a near-mutiny in the ranks after that? Shakespeare bore some brunt of it and the most offensive statement to him, by the way, wasn’t spoken by Bhookha himself, but someone else in the coaching staff. I think Shakespeare is the one who’s had the chat with the ex-cricketer.

Speaking of Hanky Panky, Kameez Pajama, the late joinee in the commentators box, is desperately trying to make up for lost time. His first evening itself, right after his first match, he started acting fresh with Sandy Baddy Babe. Now Sandy’s an old hat at this shit. And she knew exactly how to put Kameez in his own Pajama. She gave her widest smile and said, “Pajama dear, I wouldn’t have gone out with you even when you were a player. You have high hopes of taking me out when you are just a commentator”.

Skipper has floated the idea about dropping himself from the 11 and be replaced by Pussy. The matter currently lies in the court of the 3 Wise Phoren Babas. If skipper stands down, then he has suggested Lordie to take over the reins. If Lordie refuses then I think Chatterjee Kaku will have to be flown in.

Our Un-think Tank has also been politely prodded by a member of the Indian Board to rest Little John ahead of the T20 WC. The view is that Little John is being sacrificed for a losing cause in our team. Fair enough, doesn’t really matter to us if we lose by 8 wickets or 9.

Finally, thanks for all your comments, suggestions and love. I have read almost all the comments to the last two posts. I have taken note of all your suggestions and good wishes. Aditi, Nisha, Priyanka, Nicky, Anjali, I love you too. But I can’t marry you. Let’s just assume that I am not the marrying type.

The guy who signed in as Appam Chutiya is hillarious. Do you think I shd rope him as a co-author of this blog?

‘M’, thanks for sharing your experience from last IPL. In fact, I think I know who you are. I remember you from last year. Although I wasn’t part of the squad I was close enough.

Hulo, tor pode moolo ;-) . Tor comment pode khoob bhalo laglo. Cheente perechish to?

Pramey, thanks for telling me that the blog’s going down. But till the time friends like u keep visiting, I am sure we’ll stay alive. Thanks for being there, man.

Prat, r u by any chance an Appam Chutiya fan? Why do u hate me so much that you want Set Max to hire me as a commentator?

Hi Raveena beta.

Hi Neo. Yes, you are right. I am a big liar. You are also very good looking, btw.

Hi Amanpreet. I will try not to stretch this like Kyunki…

Hi “I_Want_this_in_T20″. Any ideas how?

Also, thanks a lot for voting. I can see that a lot of you have said that it hasn’t been one-vote-per-person. The interesting thing is that, very unusually, after this post there was hardly any spam for almost 5-6 hours. Looks like Rahul and Makmoon were busy voting. I am overwhelmed by the response, though. I had no idea so many people visit this blog. Is there any place where they display number of visitors to a blog? If yes, please let me know.

More later guys. Take care.

(1278)

It’s decision time folks

Published on May 10, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 694 Comments

Yet another intense fielding session. And not surprisingly, hardly any dropped catches during practice. Looks like we always save our best for the real thing

2-3 changes are expected in the side for this game. But, it’s almost sure that that Lordie’s playing. Don’t know whether Skipper pushed it through, or a late night call from Dildo did the trick, or the “warning” comments on this blog made the decision, but Lordie’s in. Skipper and Lordie chatted for a longish period during training. Skipper has asked Lordie if he’d like to open today. Bhookha was opposed to the idea till yesterday, but speculation is rife that Bhookha may play along thinking that this is a better way to get rid of him than not letting him bat at all.

I think these few days off have done us a world of good. Skipper looks a lot more relaxed. And so does everyone else. There’s a sense of humour in the group. As a group there’s a sense of security. In some ways, there’s no burden of expectation, which helps I guess. Since Skipper’s fallout with Bhookha, he seems more in control. I think he’s going to fire today and we will win. Just a gut feel.

I wanted to take some time to answer a couple of questions that have come up several times in the comments section.

One, many of you have questioned the ethicality of this blog, given that I am being paid by Dildo. I don’t think so. Dildo’s not paying me or anyone else. We are being paid by the 200 Million Indians who are following this tournament. Everybody who has put in money – the tournament organisers, TV channels, team owners etc. – sell rights and properties to brands and earn big profits. The brands, who have already paid millions, put in a few millions more and advertise on every inch they can lay their hands on. Eventually, all you guys who have spent 4-8 hours in front of your TV watching a little bit of cricket and a lot of advertisements go out to the market and purchase the colas, the mobile phones, the clothes, and the potato chips that you didn’t really need. And that’s how brands make their profit – from every rupee of your hard earned money that you spend on them. So, my friends, Dildo’s not paying me. If there’s anyone who’s paying me, it’s you. It’s my duty to entertain you. And I am doing the best I can, with the limited talent I have at my disposal.

Two, some others have been asking me if the matches are fixed. I want to ask you, why fix matches when you can fix the game? You take a 5-day game, make it into a day game, and then further shorten it to a 3.5 hour game. Throw in scantily dressed dancers, cleavage-showing anchors, beauty contests, dumb ass commentators with stupid jokes. And some seriously good competitive cricketers. And you have a magic potion that can hypnotise 200 Million people for 4 hours every day for more than a month. That 200 Million population has more money in their hands than any betting syndicate in the world. The game’s about your time and your money. On the issue of fixed matches, having seen guys like Aila, Sheikh, Lordie, Priest, Deewar from fairly close quarters now, I can tell you that no amount of money can lure them to lose a match intentionally.

One last thing. I had mentioned about my decision to reveal my identity at the end of IPL. However, many of you wrote back saying that you’d rather this remain a mystery. Several of you also asked me not to chicken out and stick to my word. Now, while I created FIP, your participation by way of comments, love, appreciation, feedback, criticism, jokes, converations, brickbats, abuses etc have made FIP what it is today. FIP belongs to all of you as much as it belongs to me. And whether FIP’s identity should be disclosed or not, or how it should be taken forward, is as much your decision as mine. So, I’d like to throw the question open to all of you. I am putting up a poll on the right side. Pls take a few seconds to make your decision. One small request, please honour the democratic spirit of this blog and click only once.

Not sure if I’d get a chance to post before the match, but will try for sure. If not, see you later.

Fights, flights and conspiracies

Published on May 9, 2009 in IPL 2009 and Latest. 349 Comments

In Jo’burg now. The plot seems to be thickening. On the flight, Lordie, Bhookha and Skipper were sitting in different corners. No words exchanged between any of them. Bhookha and coach had another round of discussions with Dildo. Apparently, they tried to explain to Dildo how Lordie doesn’t fit into the scheme of things anymore. The top four batters will be the phoren brigade, given that Pussy is now with us. And for lower order, we need guys who can run fast, take quick singles and twos. So, Bhookha is of the view that there’s no place for Lordie.

Dildo is wary of any more public fury. He has told Bhookha that he is free to take any decision he wants, but if it backfires Bhookha will have to face severe consequences. Skipper wasn’t part of this discussion. I hear that Dildo called up Skipper separately and asked for his opinion. Skipper seems to have said that if Lordie doesn’t fit in the lower order, he will have to come up and probably even open, if reqd. But there’s no question of dropping Lordie. Not sure if Skipper and Bhookha have exchanged notes on this as they have been keeping a certain distance from one another lately. I don’t think we have seen the last of this episode.

Bhookha isn’t done yet, guys. He has a new friend on the block, none other than the Durbaan of Patiala. Bhookha and Durbaan Ji have lately been SMSing each other more than even Bombay teenaged girls on Virgin Mobile.

News from the Bubblies is that the Prince has reduced Durbaan’s role to durbaangiri and nothing more. Durbaan is none too pleased and has been confiding in Vakeel Saab and Lady Jaya. Vakil Saab, who is the favourite huggy buggy, squeeze boy of Babli these days, has relayed the news to Babli. Not that Babli can do much abt it. Bunty controls the ship and Babli doesn’t control Bunty anymore.

Anyway, Bhookha and Durbaan are writing a detailed Memo that they’ll send to Saala Slimeball and his technical committee for next yr’s competition. One of the points being allowing more foreigners in the side. Other points include removal of the icon player concept from next yr itself, reduction of strategy time break, higher level of media gagging, and removal of biased commentators who influence public opinion. (Not sure if FIP is worthy enough to find a place in this new Bible they are authoring). If Bhookha’s still reading the blog, I’d like to slip in a couple of suggestions from my side that may dramatically change our fortunes next year. One, allowing overage, underfit players to wear roller skates while fielding. Two, allowing wicket keepers to wear gloves even if when they aren’t keeping wickets.

Finally, as they say in English, “Form is temporary, class is permanent”. Or, as they say in Hindi “Appam ka Samay aur Chutiya hamesha kat-ta hai”. Appam’s done it again. First, he messes with a guy twice his size who has just belted him for sixes & fours, and then he goes to Cool Dude asking about his chances of making it to the T20 WC team if the main bowler doesn’t recover in time. Cool Dude just laughed it off saying that he doesn’t plan on visiting the match referee during the T20 WC.

Match Day tomorrow. You’ll see what’s in store for Lordie.

Till then, adios.