Archive for the 'IPL 2009' Category

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Big Game Hunting

Pretoria is where all the action was yesterday with 4 teams there including the one and only Bevdaas. A Bevdaas insider informs that, true to their name, half their squad made it to Hatfield last night to drown their sorrows. Although, their performance yesterday hardly seemed to affect their mood too much.

Bevdaa has found a soulmate in our very own (sometimes opener, sometimes wk) Panty Curry. They have been bonded by their shared love for bottled beverages. Short of holding hands, the two fat asses seem every bit like a puppy couple in love. And if the number of bottles one can down decides the man in a relationship, our Panty Curry definitely wears the pants in that family. Surprising, but true!

In another club in Hatfield, Chirkut Teli and his U-19 teammate Chinnu Popli were out looking for some other form of intoxication. Chirkut Teli hits on a 100 girls every night, at least 99 of whom reject him outright. Not too quality conscious, he’d take those odds any day. Although, given his batting average, I find his faith in this law of averages a little ironical. As far as Chinnu is concerned, well, God has been unfairly unkind to him and he can’t even afford to be quality conscious given that he barely manages to reach the waist height of most of the girls out here. Nights end early at Hatfield by western standards, and so did Chunnu’s, as expected. But, going by what I hear, Chirkut Teli was a little more successful at Hatfield than at Centurion yesterday. Overall, I think the Bevdaas are trying their best to do their owner proud, if not on the field, definitely off it.

Back in our little base, our gang of losers also went looking for Big Game, trying their luck in several different nightspots. But each and every one of them returned empty handed. Quite predictable, I thought. Imagine a group comprising Gilli Danda, Buddhiman Baba and Bubaan hitting on hot white chicks. My respect for South African girls has actually gone up a bit. At least, they know a bunch of losers when they see one. Looks like we aren’t catching anything in this tournament anymore.

There’s rumour doing the rounds that Lordie will be “rested” for a couple of games. The only thing holding the Phoren Posse back, so far, is the fear of a public backlash. Bhookha, Coach and Boy had a 30-minute conference call with Dildo yesterday. They have proposed the idea to Dildo. With all the bad press and public sentiment, Dildo is opposed to the idea unless they can assure him that we will win. Although not part of the Drop Lordie brigade, Skipper doesn’t seem to be entirely opposed to the idea either.

Chikna Pussy joins us today. He is sure to make it straight to the batting line up. The top 4 batters will be foreign recruits. Which also means that there’s still no place for Bangla and/or Junta. Phoren Babas’ rule continues.

As I mentioned earlier, Skipper seems to be taking charge now… Let’s see where this takes us.

Volcano erupts in the pool

Our day off yesterday was mostly on predictable lines. Guys simply hanging around, getting wasted. Some guys were off shopping. Some others went to the beach.

But then things did get heated up a bit by the time the sun began to set. Post lunch, most of us were in and around the pool. 8 of the guys, including the skipper, were playing water polo, 4-a-side. Others, including Bhookha and some of his buddies, were sitting around drinking beer. When the guys called the water polo match off, the score read 11-11. Bhookha, in his warped sense of humour, remarked that even in this game we couldn’t win. Skipper, who’s been seething in anger for the last couple of days, quickly retorted saying, “We’re lucky you aren’t the coach here ‘coz then we’d have definitely lost”. Not sure whether that was really funny, but everyone in and around the pool broke out in loud laughter. Not just that, we were guffawing for a good 2 minutes. Bhookha’s face, already tanned red, seemed to be turning into a strange shade of purple. For the first time, ignoring that team meeting where Skipper rooted for Style Bhai, the Skipper has shown that he’s had enough of Bhookha. This one moment may prove to be a decisive moment in our failed IPL campaign. If I were to read too much into it, I think from now on the Skipper will run the ship.

I wonder what took Skipper so long. He didn’t select this team. He didn’t participate in the talent scout. He didn’t decide the batting order. He didn’t decide that Junta would bowl the Super Over. He didn’t prefer the young Aussie over Bangla. He didn’t have a problem with Style Bhai’s attitude. And when the shit has hit the fan, he is the one cleaning up. He, along with Dildo, have become the faces of our miserable performance. Where’s Bhookha, all this while? He is peacefully hiding behind the army of support staff he has collected for himself. And of course his laptop.

After the last match, Lordie’s had a quiet word with Skipper. Essentially telling him that if they have him in the side they need to use him properly. Can’t blame Lordie, you know. The guy padded up almost as soon as the openers were in. And he remained padded up for the rest of the inning. At his age, padding up and padding down is quite an effort, you know. These foreigners have absolutely no respect for the elderly, I tell you.

Dildo’s informed Boy George that he wants to be with the team for the last 2-3 matches. Looks like the marriage season in India is soon getting over.

News is rife that Dildo’s contacted Sticky Something and asked about his availability for the entire IPL season next year. If Sticky Something makes himself available, looks like he will be made captain and he will build the team for next year. Also, Dildo’s not selling the team, I’ve heard from very reliable sources.

I took time to read some of the comments. Looks like some of you want the dope on nocturnal activities of our superstars. I don’t blame you coz that’s what I want too. But unfortunately, I can’t be going to nightclubs every night. And moreover, everyone’s become very cautious about having anyone from our team around. And I will only write about what I see, hear and observe. I am not going to cook up stories to cater to the galleries. So, if I have not seen or heard about Appam Chutiya, I will refrain from writing about him.

Talking about Appam Chutiya, the single-biggest contribution of this blog to humanity has been the reformation of Appam Chutiya. For the last week or so, he has been at his best behaviour since the time he was punished in school for pissing on the plants. My congratulations to all those who’ve made his name such a cult. In the last match, even the crowd in SA was calling him Appam. I would assume a Nobel Peace Prize for such service to humanity may not be too far fetched, would it?

Am headed for breakfast now. Will catch up with you folks later. Till then, alvida.

P.S. Some guy has been posting comments using the name IPL Anonymous. It’s not me. I will really appreciate it If any of you tech savvy folks can tell me how he’s doing it and how I can stop it.


Finally some respite

Yet another game. Yet another spectacular display. And we find ourselves with most games under our belt and least points to show for it. In fact, we are the only team who has lesser points than games played. Now beat that guys!

As a reward for our performance (and also to spare you guys the torture), the organisers have given us 4 days off. That means no early flight to catch, no early morning training sessions, lots of sleep (& sleeping around for the hopeful souls), time spent in the pool, shopping, bitching around. Suddenly, life seems livable again.

Can’t quite understand our performance in the field though. For 24 hours before the match, all we did was field, field and field. We fielded in the outfield, we fielded in the infield, we fielded under lights, we fielded over lights. We caught so many balls through the day that some of the boys were in serious danger of injuring themselves as they went for the balls even in their sleep. And look what it translated to during the game.

Before the game, we had a pep talk from Deputy Coach. All he talked about was fielding. And in some ways, he seemed to refer to us desi boys when talking about sloppy fielding. While we are certainly not the best fielders in the world, most of our young boys are as good as any, and I thought this was a little unjustified. And as our desi boys were doing us proud on the field, overrunning the ball, slipping clumsily, throwing wild, we were all squirming in our seats. From the corner of my eyes I noticed the coaches exchanging ‘all-knowing’ glances. And then, Skipper himself grassed a sitter. I, like some others on the bench, heaved a sigh of relief. At least now we won’t be singled out. This time though, the coaches just stared at the field blankly. No look, no expression, no smirk. By the end of the game we had shown the world what an equal opportunity team we are. Irrespective of nationality, caste, colour, creed, everyone in the team had dropped catches. Wow! Talk about team spirit.

If dropping catches wasn’t embarassing enough, our young boy Bubaan not only dropped a catch, he also showed half the stadium behind us his white cotton ‘andar ki baat’ while doing so. Dildo is furious at this gross indecent exposure. He feels this one act of negligence has caused more harm to our reputation than all our defeats put together. What’s the point of spending so much money on designer jerseys if players wear their nadavalas under them? We have been told that, as per Dildo’s orders, each of us will get 500 Rands to buy better looking jockeys. Good news for all of us, with the exception of Buddhiman Baba who is now a nervous wreck. He has been informed that in all of Africa they don’t make jockeys his size.

Most of us are perplexed as to why Bangla Tiger is still warming the bench. Does Bhookha think that the wibbly wobblies will win us matches? I am sure Bhookha doesn’t have attitude issues with Bangla, so all I can assume is that Bhookha’s not aware of what all he can do in the field. So far Bangla hasn’t questioned Bhookha on his exclusion and the rest of us aren’t authorised to ask. Lordie, the only guy who can question if he wants to, doesn’t really care any more and has absolutely nothing to say in team meetings or training sessions. He is just going through the drills. And outside of the ground, he hangs around with his old pals in other teams.

After the loss against the Bubblies, most of us were hurt and angry. So near, yet so far. Some of us thought that the umpire had lost it for us. After yesterday’s loss, it’s almost like we have been numbed. It doesn’t hurt anymore. We have accepted this as our fate. Not that we were dancing in the ailes, but in the team bus we were quietly going about our own thing. No blame game, no analysis paralysis, nothing that would show that this matters to us anymore.

After the game Chhota Chetan was telling Little John that he feels we will spoil any one team’s semi final chances. And since they play us again in Jo’burg in a few days, he is sceptical if we decide to pull the plug in that one game. I think Chhota has read it quite well. In one match, skipper’s bound to fire and win the game on his own. And that unlucky team will lose out on the semis, purely as God’s punishment for losing to the losers.

Most of us went out for dinner together last night. Word has it that our team sponsors are asking very uncomfortable questions. Some of the sponsors are threatening to pull out their ads with our team featuring in them. The heat has been put on Boy George. Dildo’s asking him to justify almost every decision he has taken through the year. Every expense is now being scrutinised. I think the ground work is on for some heads to roll by the time we return to India.

Is this a bad dream?

It’s been more than 24 hours and yesterday’s loss still hurts. After the game, as I shook hands with the skipper, I felt a tinge of guilt. The pain of loss was evident in the Skip’s eyes. For all the uncomplimentary things I may have written about him, the guy definitely gave it his best. It’s just that he had to handle a lot more baggage than he was prepared for. The worst part is, he didn’t create any of the baggage, it was handed to him. He inherited a fractured squad, bloated egos, a string of hangers on, a demanding owner, and an unforgiving public. After the game, the skipper addressed all of us. He spoke of his failure as a player and a leader, owned up responsibility, promised everyone a chance to show his mettle, and encouraged us to take one game at a time.

It was amusing watching the coaching staff yesterday while the game was on. While our fielding coach was busy browsing, our Throwing Coach accusingly glared at our Wicket-keeping coach every time Skipper and Buddhiman Baba had their slip ups in the outfield. After the match our bowling coach and our assistant coach were discussing whether Fake IPL Player is responsible for the dropped catches. I am waiting for the day Bhookha blames global warming for our performance.

We flew in to Durban today. This tour now seems like a hazy, repetitive dream. We wake up, go to the ground, get bashed around, return, go to sleep, wake up, fly into another city, get bashed around again, go to sleep… and the sequence continues. Will this ever end? Will I ever wake up? Chatterjee Kaku, jabaab deen.

After several false alarms, Calypso finally left us. Although, we didn’t quite get the party he promised, it was nice of him to stay back for the extra game. A game in which he scored 17, went wicketless and dropped a sitter. Thanks for staying, Maan.

The Kiwi coach will also leave us tomorrow after the game. He’s had a highly educative few days, marked with a very sharp learning curve, and he leaves with a halo around his head now. As he gathers all the pearls of wisdom he has collected and takes the Kiwi team to the T20 WC, we all know who the most dangerous team in that competition is going to be. All the best Mr. Mole. If you need any any assitance, our coach will soon be available.

Before we boarded the flight, news went around that Bhookha isn’t happy with just 4 foreign players allowed in the 11. That’s a valid point actually, and I think all of us owe him an apology. Sorry Mr. Naan. We forgot to tell you that this is the INDIAN premier league.

Skipper has promised some of the benchwarmers a chance in the next few games. Hope I get one too. Will keep you guys posted.


Port Elizabeth – Here we come again

We are back in Port Elizabeth, the same place where we were revaged in full public view just a few days ago. The sight of Aila blasting the crap out of our bowlers is still quite fresh in our minds. Ironically, this time we face the only team we have beaten so far.

We had a training session at the ground. The Bubblies were there too. And it was fun observing them go about their drills for today’s game.

Prince Charles looked ominous. He was stroking the ball really well. I have a funny feeling that he will finish a career or two today. Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It’s amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being. RVR Sing, aka Pamela Inder Singh, was bowling his breasts out. Lady Jaya was a picture of concentration at the nets. Deeghra Patan was swinging the ball both ways in the nets. Even Arnold Power stretched a muscle of two. All in all, they looked like a happy bunch of guys at the moment. And, given our level of preparedness, we are unlikely to spoil their mood today.

The Rajpoots were out celebrating their victory last night. They were at P.E.’s favourite watering hole, 9 Yards. Some of the Dhakkans were there too. And since, nobody invites us anymore, thanks to yours truly, we had to find out where they are and landed up at the venue. Haven’t seen the Two Sisters and Big Brother in P.E. as yet. Are they are still in SA? The Sheikh was in full form though. With the Two Sisters missing, the Sheikh was compensating quality with quantity, sitting with a few arm candies, the Dhakkan coach and a young Aussie cricketer. The Dhakkans’ cheer leaders seemed to be working over time last night. Now we know why they are at the top of the table (hope Dildo’s listening). Dhakkans’ middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders. He sure doesn’t want to misfield another one in the 49th over, does he? It was Castro’s last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole. Unfortunately, we have an early start today so had to return before things got really hot and out of control over there.

In our team, well, nobody has a frickin’ clue of what to do now. Not even one player – batsman or bowler – has performed so far. On what grounds do u drop anyone at all, or on what grounds do you select anyone? Last season, at least a couple of our players were close to getting into the Indian side. After this season, we don’t know if anyone from this team will make it to even next year’s IPL team. Our physio has confirmed that 3 support staff members will be sent back soon. And Bhookha Naan and his core group have already started their souvenier shopping. They have been politely spoken to by Boy George. Ironical again, coz even Boy should probably be on his way out. Lately, Dildo’s been asking him to justify a lot of the expenses and resources he has at his disposal. He seems to be the most stressed man in the squad at the moment.

Observing our team from a distance, it’s not hard to tell why we are the only side now with absolutely no chance of making it to the semis. The Phoren Babas hang out together, the support staff are in their own little world, the India rejects tend to stick together and the rest of us domestic players find comfort in each others’ company. Lordie usually finds someone in the opposing team to hang out with, like Prince Charles or Meera Bhai. There’s a very clear class system in our team. We truly are the Rainbow team in the Rainbow country. To tell you a secret, nobody in the team wants to hang around here any longer. We’d rather fly back and dance at a few weddings. If only we had the choice like some others do.

Skipper wants Bangla Tiger in the squad today. Candy Nickle spent a lot of time with him and while Deputy Coach spent time with the Springbok. One of them is definitely in today. Bangla adds zing to our bowling, while the Springbok has the experience of facing a bullet at point blank range and surviving – a skill that’ll come very handy while playing for our team.

Finally, it’s Calypso’s last game with us today. He’s been considerate enough to stay with us longer to help us win a match or two. The extra two matches also fatten up his bank a/c substantially, but I am sure that would have hardly crossed his mind given the selfless person he is. Calypso has promised to throw a lavish party for us tonight if we win the game. Sure maan! That’s the incentive we’ve been looking for all this while.



Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us!

Calypso King is leaving us and his departure isn’t in very pleasant circumstances. The team management threw an early farewell party for him after the last defeat. Dildo wasn’t around to sponsor this one though, so it went from the team kitty. No one was particularly pleased with the idea of hanging out together, although no one objected to it openly. Since, the posts have been coming out, guys are making their own small groups and going out to places without informing others. No one wants Fake IPL Player to land up there and broadcast their nefarious activities to the whole world. In fact, the blog has affected the nocturnal lives of IPLers in more ways than one would have expected. Teams are now trying to find out before hand where our team is headed after the match, to ensure that they don’t land up at the same place. Kishen Kanhaiyya, whose tour took an unexpected turn after the Opium Night expose, is having the driest tour ever in his life. Little Sister has still not given in to the Sheikh’s famed magic. Little John’s been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he’s had to promise her that he will return to India “Ganga jaisa pavitra” (I couldn’t believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used). So, in the backdrop of all this, we had to go for Calypso’s farewell party.

While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there’s a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper’s ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.

For the rest of the evening, the two weren’t seen together. They didn’t shake hands before Calypso left the party.

Mangal Pandey’s phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha’s deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.

The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn’t help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.

Apparently, Dildo didn’t meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there’s news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.

The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn’t enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what’s now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.

On the whole, the team’s now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can’t get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn’t much to play for any more.

Finally, it’s official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don’t, they’ll probably be sacked anyway.)

Your’s truly.

P.S. I think some website’s been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That’s not true. Under the circumstances I can’t live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.

P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It’s not me. I haven’t participated in the comments section. Pls don’t believe the guy posing as me.

P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo’s PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.

P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let’s see where this trail takes them.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day.


Battle of the losers

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo’s returned to India and I am pretty sure that’s the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.

We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather’s much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.

Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It’s almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.

The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn’t quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn’t in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.

Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker’s union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team’s performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he’d like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there’s very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything’s gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai’s been kept out becoz of Bhookha’s issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back – attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper’s had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can’t push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.

Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh’s camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister’s still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It’s not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.


Hats Off to Bhookha Naan

It’s very early in the morning here. Couldn’t sleep well the whole night. We are missing a few members of our family who have gone back home. It’s always painful to see some of your own being culled and I am not in any mood for humour.

But, I am in a very respectful mood. I have new found respect for Bhookha Naan and his coterie of ill advisors. I mean, their insight into the game is par excellence. They can see things that us mortals just can’t. To begin with they select Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger for a T20 tournament. That itself was genius. And then they sack them after just one inning each. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I thought they played just as all of us had always expected them too.
But, I think Bhookha must have seen something that we couldn’t and suddenly realised that they do not fit in. I wish I could fall at their feet and pray for enlightenment. Tell me, Oh my Master, what did you see in those 2 innings that you hadn’t known all along? What startling revelation was caught by only your eyes and nobody else’s? Tell me, please tell me, your enlightened soul, how do I see things beyond what is obvious?

Unfortunately, for Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger they are genuinely nice blokes and are generally liked by everyone – within and outside the team. But look at the Bubblies. They
have played a master stroke. They have Appam Chutiya in the squad only to piss the opposition off. Imagine, you are all pumped up for the match, have worked out your strategies, and are looking forward to taking on the opposition. You reach the ground and the first sight is that of Appam Chutiya doing some strange break dance steps at the touch line. That’s enough to make every gut in your body cringe with revolt, enough to make every vein in your body burst open,
and every muscle in your body react to the extreme pungency. And right then and there, you have lost the match without even a ball being bowled. SUperb! Superb!

May be Shakespeare and Ganji Hanger need to learn some of those tricks to stay in the squad. But, it’ll take them some time to do so. Becoz “impression ek din mein nahin banta”.

A few hundred kms away, the Bevdaas have problems of a different kind. Their rock star Peter Ka Beta, now known as Re-Peter, is all set to repeat their performance of last season. In fact, they may go one step better this time. What else do u expect when you sign on a star, make him captain, allow him to play only a few matches, forgive him forgetting his own players’ names, have fun at ur expense and then return home with a fat pay cheque. Some guys have all the luck, don’t they?

Somebody please teach the new age cricket bosses, that building a cricket team is slightly different from selling liquor or masala movies. It takes time, patience, clarity of thought, a sense of belongingness, a common sense of purpose, a clear strategy and much more. It’s like nurturing a family. In team sport, the team is not the management that creates the product. The team IS the product. Create the product as if it’s your own baby. And it will give you pleasure for a lifetime!

I rest my case. Thank you.

P.S. The dirty work of informing the said players was left to the hired top management of the franchise, although the decision was taken by the Phoren Babas. Everyone’s been instructed to keep their mouths shut on the issue, including the sacked players. But let me tell you, the players have not taken this culling too lightly. Mangal Pandey is especially pissed off. So far things are very muted, but an implosion is definitely on the cards. Can’t tell you more as many players are involved, some of whom are good friends of mine.

P.P.S. Now we have 11 Indians from whom 7 will be selected and 9 foreigners from whom 4 will be selected. Ratios and Proportions have taken an entirely new meaning for me. I am learning soooo much on this tour that it’s not funny.

P.P.P.S. Initially, I was concerned as I thought they have been sacked on suspicions of being me. But when they spoke to all of us, I was relieved that it has nothing to do with Fake IPL.

Big Match

Our big match today. The team isn’t finalized yet, but we are unleashing a new weapon for Big Mac. You’ll know when u see it. Bhookha Naan has come out with the best strategy of all. We won’t have a batting line up. Anyone should be prepared to walk in at any point in time. I am guessing, even Little John will have his crotch guard and helmet on right from the first ball itself.

Durban was where all the action was last night. What else do u expect with the 2 Big Bs in the same city – the Bubblies and the Bevdaas. 330, that’s the name of the night club at Point Road Durban where the party shifted after the match. All the usual suspects were there. Bevdaa was there under the watchful eyes of Peter Ka Beta. They weren’t exactly in high spirits. Neither would you if you’d just had a cork opener stuck in yous ass by your boss, reminding you that every run you scored so far has cost him $250,000. The bubblies were celebrating Patiala style, Prince had his hands full and the pack gawked around awkwardly. RVR Sing, who seems to have got silicon implants between seasons, was showing off his twin sisters wearing a thin, tight t-shirt. Would somebody please tell him that men’s tits aren’t exactly considered sexy? And Appam was as usual busy making a fool of himself. He almost got his ass kicked last night. Appam has this uncanny ability to piss off anyone who’s unfortunate enough to come within 2 kms of him. Even God must have been really pissed with him to make him look like this. And he got too close for comfort to Peter Ka Beta. The Prince had to pull him away and was heard saying, “Saale. Kiss-se panga le raha hai? Agar yeh thappad maarega naa toh rone laayak bhi nahin rahega”. Unfortunately, better sense prevailed and Appam wasn’t seen near PKB for the rest of the evening.

Btw, I read some comments and I hate to disappoint you. Little John is indeed scoring and I am not exactly talking about his performance with the bat here. So all you guys out there who can’t get chicks coz the way you look, think of a career change seriously.

P.S Word has it that with dropping TRPs, Sandy’s hemlines been going up. True?


Emosional Atyachaar

I am back guys! Things have been pretty tight lately. There’s been a crackdown. Every player is looking over his shoulder. Nobody knows who I am. But I exist, right within them, right next to them. Every breath they take, every move they make. I am watching! And they know it. And they are scared. They are worried.

Now on to the cricket. What a match we had last evening. Lordie almost saw us through. After the match Dildo came down and chatted up with us. I think his IPL dreams are going up in smoke, and this time he ain’t doin’ the smokin’. Everyone was pretty down, most of all Lordie. He appeared really pissed after the match, I mean, so pissed that we had to wear the crotch guard near him. He didn’t quite scream and shout at anyone, but he was chillingly terrifying. Dildo shook hands with Lordie, exchanged a few words, but Lordie didn’t seem to respond too warmly. But, you know what, you got to hand it to the Sheikh. The man’s always thinking ahead of the rest. Imagine opening the bowling with Sheeghra-Patan when Calypso is on strike, and giving the super over to Akram Azam. Takes balls man. I think the difference b/w the two teams really boils down to leadership on the field. While the Sheikh controls the game from the ground, our game is controlled remotely. In a crunch situation, you can’t be looking to the stands for inspiration, right?

Team meetings had already become quite secretive over the last few days. Our 11 was announced about 20 minutes before the toss. Some of the guys being dropped made sense, but the ones replacing them baffled me. I can understand that you drop Shakespeare in a T20, but replacing him with Ganji Hanger makes no sense to me at all. It’s almost like discarding a scooter because it’s too slow and buying a moped instead. And I wonder how Kaan Moolo improved his cricket so fast to make yet another comeback. I have a feeling, he would be making comebacks even when my grand children are watching cricket. I was happy to see Chintu Singh in the squad though. He is young, talented, very accurate and regularly troubles even Calypso in the nets. I felt Lordie wanted either him or Little John to bowl the super over. And for when we were batting, Lordie was all ready to go in himself. He was all warmed up and stroking well and any man with half a brain would’ve sent him. But hey! In the era of IT, you got to go with what the laptop says, right? I am not sure how much the Sheikh owes his cricketing acumen to his “laptops”, tho’.

For tomorrow’s game, our fast bowlers spent time with Candy Nickle discussing Big Mac. He’s the big threat. We still don’t know our XI for tomorrow. But, since I haven’t been blogging lately, I had a lot of time to play… sorry…Coach. I’d bring in the reserve keeper for his lower order batting skills. Remember last season? But, I doubt if he will get in coz the coach’s laptop had crashed a few months ago, and all data from last season was lost.

Another sitting with the broadcasting folks has brought out some interesting facets of how thing’s work out here. Being right here, I can tell you that the grounds are pretty sparsely filled, especially during the first inning. But the broadcasting team has been told to keep talking about the excitement and the fever at the ground. The camera men have been instructed not to pan towards empty stands. And the producers keep telling the spectators to scream and shout when the cam pans to them. I don’t know what you guys sense on TV, but watching it from here, the so-called ‘excitement’ and ‘energy’ seems even faker than this blog. And the production staff has all the gossip. News is that the Sandy Maddy Babe bet is off, as more than one is claiming to have won. The joker, (the anchor mentioned in my previous post) is the butt of all jokes within the broadcasting team. There’s an assembly line of jokes on him and his knowledge of cricket. Apparently, when asked where long leg is, he pointed at Big Sister. I wonder if pointed at Dildo when asked abt Short Leg. News from the Bevdaas is that the Bevda has told Batlivala that his forced dry spell is responsible for his dry spell in the middle. Come on guys. You didn’t sign him on based on how good a Catholic he is, right? Let the bloke have his two drops of poison and score some runs for you.

Finally, blogging through SMSes was getting too tedious, tardy and fraught with risk. So, I have quit doing that. I have a new partner in crime. Can’t tell much abt him right now but he has introduced me to a technology which allows me to keep posting with minimal risk. This time round I won’t disclose my modus operadi as it may expose my partner. I have sworn to maintain his secrecy even if I am caught.

Laterzzz gentlemen.

P.S. I saw some of the comments. Let me tell you that I don’t twitter so the ID is fake. I am not on orkut or facebook. The only place where you find the Real Fake IPL Player is here.