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Every Sachin has a past. Every Sharad a future.

Published on September 2, 2011 in Latest. 5 Comments

Like a phoenix he rises again. Like a TV commercial break, he comes into your life when you least want him to. Like an Agarkar, he returns to haunt Indian cricket fans all over again.

Yes, it’s Ravindra Jadeja. The man who single-handedly cost us two T20 world cups and an ODI world no. 1 ranking is back in the Indian team replacing vice-captain Gambhir who didn’t recover from his concussions in time. Ironically, news of his selection caused captain Dhoni to suffer mild concussions of his own.

The sequence of events starting with Gambhir’s injury, reluctance on the part of the Indian team management to send him back home, and Jadeja’s eventual selection should act as a lesson to all those fans who were hurling abuses at the team for their performance in England. As it turns out, the Indian team was desperate to keep a concussion-suffering, blurry-visional, posterior groping Gambhir in the squad only to prevent Indian fans from reliving the Jadeja nightmare. So what if they haven’t been winning, it’s hard to find a sporting team that cares so much for its fans.

Jadeja’s selection sent the cricketing fandom into a tizzy. Tweets with his name starting pouring in and he was trending on twitter within minutes. There were those who were shocked, there were those who were aghast, some found it funny, while others smelt a conspiracy. After hours of debates and careful elimination of every other possibility, the only remaining plausible explanation for his selection was that Jadeja must have some really incriminating pictures of someone high up in the BCCI.

“Let’s not forget that he’s a promising youngster,” a BCCI official said when asked to explain Jadeja’s selection. “All politicians running the BCCI identify with him because, just like them, he too doesn’t deliver on the promise,” he added.

When asked further, he shook his head compassionately and said, “Ravindra has had a tough year. He spent the entire IPL with Sreesanth dressed in orange and purple. I think he has suffered enough for his crimes.”

On seeing unconvinced faces all around, he adapted a famous English phrase and said, “Jadeja deserves another chance. Let’s not forget every Sachin has a past and every Sharad a future.”

Kill Bill
Earlier this week, Sports Minister Ajay Maken tabled his ambitious Sports Reforms Bill in the Parliament expecting ministers running the BCCI to approve a law that’ll bring the cricket body under the RTI. My guess is that Pawar, Deshmukh & Co would have laughed at him almost as loud as I did way back when my Mom asked me to give her access to my drawers.

The Sports Minister would be well advised to drop the BCCI from the Bill because, despite everything, the BCCI is still the best run sports federation in the country. Sports that don’t fall in the radar, like cycling and fencing, desperately need the Bill more than cricket does, and it’d be sad if the Bill gets stalled due to BCCI’s resistance.

As for cricket fans, all they want in the Bill is a clause that stops Jadeja from getting into the side every year.

Resign? Who, me?
This week saw the mother of all confusions when some reports suggested that chief selector Krishnamachari Srikanth had offered to resign after India’s whitewash at the hands of England.

Srikanth has now confirmed that what everyone thought as his offer to resign was really his offer to ‘re-sign’ as the chairman of selectors.

“I owe it to the CSK players,” Srikanth said rubbishing such reports.

You can hear Anupam’s alternate live commentary of India vs England during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Have they found the panic button?

Published on August 26, 2011 in Latest. 3 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

If you thought that the BCCI is a self-absorbed organization chasing money and power with scant regard to the national team’s interests, you are absolutely wrong. Inside sources reveal that a recent meeting of the BCCI saw angry scenes with chest thumping, fist punching and screaming & shouting over India’s 4-0 whitewash at the hands of England. The BCCI top brass is recommending sweeping changes to ensure India never face such humiliation in the future.

The committee also deliberated long and hard on the recommendation of a former India cricketer who wrote that “time has come for the BCCI to press the panic button”. For once, everyone in the meeting felt that it sounded like a great suggestion, the only problem being that nobody knew which one of the damn buttons on the switchboard was for panic. Despite frantic attempts, the panic button remained elusive.

One wise man suggested that a recent youtube video of the Indian team huddle in which Gambhir is seen with his hand on Ishant’s posterior, which to the layperson may seem like blatant groping, may really be Gambhir pressing Ishant’s panic button. Ishant has been asked to report to Mumbai for a thorough medical examination. If his panic button is located, it’s in for some hard pressed times.

Some of the other recommendations are given below.
1. During the fourth test between India and England, TV audience saw statistics of the number of whitewashes India has faced in series with 4 or more test matches. India had faced such humiliation only three times before this one, the last being 43 years ago. While regular folks like you and me missed such minor details, eagle-eyed BCCI officials carefully noted that India’s 3-0 loss to Australia in 1999 wasn’t a part of this list. So the committee unanimously passed a resolution that will ensure all of India’s future test series will have only 3 tests. “Let’s see how they beat us 4-0 then,” one official boasted as the others nodded in admiration.

2. The BCCI also feels that test cricket has become lawless and violent, a sporting equivalent of a banana republic, and want changes more in line with the evolution of our civilization. “Every road in the world has a speed limit. Every internet connection in the world has a speed limit. What makes cricket so special?” asked one BCCI official. The committee is recommending a speed limit in cricket where bowlers won’t be allowed to bowl faster than 130 kmph, speed that any Indian fast bowler is unlikely to cross. However, the speed limit effectively rules out any possibility of Anil Kumble’s return from retirement.

3. Careful analysis of India’s defeat pattern during the series revealed that if test matches were 4 days long, India would have lost this series only 1-0. Further, this would have created room for an extra 4-day test match generating even more revenue. The BCCI is recommending 4-day test matches from now on.

Some answers finally!
Brain Mapping tests on Dhoni have revealed why India lost so badly to England. Apparently, India’s performance in the series is a result of a question posed to Dhoni at the press conference after winning the world cup.

Dhoni was asked, “Having won the T20 world cup, IPL, Champion’s League, ODI world cup, and the No. 1 ranking in tests, what more does he have to win?” to which Dhoni replied, “I would like to do it all over again.”

How could Dhoni regain the No. 1 ranking in tests without losing it first?

Hence, proved!

You can hear Anupam’s live alternate commentary of India vs England during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Anna ji and Kalmadi sharing a cell would have made great television

Published on August 19, 2011 in Latest. 9 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

The Anna Hazare campaign couldn’t have come at a worse time for Team India. Already 0-3 down in the series, each defeat bigger than the previous one, bowling and batting spearheads struggling with injury, others struggling for form, and Tendulkar still on 99 hundreds, the only good thing to come out of the series has been Harbhajan’s return to India. And, to make matters worse, social unrest across India is weighing the team down even further.

A couple of days before the fourth test, the Indian team was a divided unit. One half of the team wanted to call the test off in support of Anna’s fast. The other half wanted to play only if the English refrained from bowling fast. Interestingly, Suresh Raina belonged to both the groups.

The tormented Mr. Raina
To give him the benefit of doubt, it’s been a particularly tough week for Raina. As if facing Anderson and Bresnan wasn’t bad enough, his twitter account got hacked this week. Suddenly, Raina’s handle started sending tweets like “Missing Mama’s food” and “Didi Happy Rakhi. I will have laddoos”. Investigators from Scotland Yard believe the hacker to be someone very close to Raina going by how accurately he could read Raina’s thoughts.

Publicly, though, Raina’s putting up a brave front. When asked about his problems with short pitched bowling, Raina said, “I have worked closely with Fatichar Uncle and solved that problem. If you see, in the second inning of the last match, I lost my wicket to their spinner Swann but not to any of the fast bowlers.” The smile of satisfaction on his face was to die for.

“Why don’t you ask Dr. Manmohan Singh?” Raina screamed when questions about his inability to play top class fast bowling persisted. “From what I can see, he can’t deal with fast any better than I do,” he added before stomping out of the room.

We wish him a speedy recovery of his twitter account.

Ravi tastes a dose of Munaf
Another person going through a rough time is Ravi Shastri. With his secret dealings exposed, everyone now knows the real reason behind his fervent opposition to the UDRS and his jingoistic support for everything BCCI. And, with India 0-3 down in the series, he can’t even accuse anyone of being jealous of India.

Word has it that Shastri is being laughed at anywhere he goes. Obviously, he isn’t enjoying it. But, at least, he now knows what Munaf Patel feels like every day of his life.

Modi still means business
When talking of events in London, can Lalit Modi be far behind? The former IPL commissioner recently revealed his unique perspective on the Government-Anna Hazare standoff. He feels that the government missed a huge opportunity by their mishandling of the situation.

“They should have put Anna ji in the same cell as Suresh Kalmadi,” Modi said as he cleaned his glasses with nonchalance.

“You see, Anna ji and Kalmadi sharing a cell would have made great television,” Modi explained as he put his glasses on. “Millions would have been glued to their TV sets to see how Anna ji looks without his Gandhi topi and the different ways in which Kalmadi tries to steal his food. And one can always switch to the cameras outside to see how cheerleaders are keeping the crowd on its toes.”

After a thoughtful pause, he added, “I think I could have sold these rights for 2 billion dollars.”

You can hear Anupam’s live alternative commentary of India vs England during match hours on www.pitch-invasion.in

Why Shaz, Gavz and the other guy are fighting

Published on August 12, 2011 in Latest. 22 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore Click here

If you too assumed that Mumbai Mirror’s expose on the BCCI’s past and present contracts with Ravi Shastri, Sunil Gavaskar and Harsha Bhogle stipulating them to toe the BCCI line would bring the three distinguished gentlemen even closer, you were wrong. Sources, not close to the men in question, have reported that there’s trouble brewing amongst the holy trinity on the issue.

The contentious issue is the Rs. 3.6 crore a year, which translates to a lakh a day, that the two former cricketers are earning from the BCCI. Apparently, both Shastri and Gavaskar were under the impression that they were getting paid more than the other.

Given that he has scored more runs than Shastri, Gavaskar feels that he deserves a premium. Shastri, who in his own way has scored far more than Gavaskar, feels the same. And this has become a particularly touchy issue between them.

But, let’s spare a thought for Harsha Bhogle. One, he was getting paid one digit lesser than the M/s Shaz and Gavz. Two, the BCCI didn’t find him important enough to renew his contract after Lalit Modi fled. Three, he was blissful in his belief that even Shastri and Gavaskar’s contracts had not been renewed. Four, Shastri had been tricking him into buying him lunch everyday citing the extra money he needs for cosmetic surgeries for his eye sacks and double chin. All in all, Bhogle’s faith in humanity stands shattered.

How each reacted to this adversity is a psychologist’s delight.

Harsha was the smartest of them all. He quickly wrote an anti-BCCI piece and disappeared from twitter for 27 hours, returning only to plug his podcasts and articles before disappearing again, eventually reappearing when the third test match began. It was a worrying few days for all his fans, me included. Only when tweets that state the obvious like “Indian bowling looks ordinary” starting filling my twitter timeline again, I heaved a sigh of relief with the knowledge that Harsha had taken control of himself and normal service had been restored.

Sunil Gavaskar took the emotional route saying that he needs the Rs 3.6 crores because he has “two eyes, two hands, and a stomach”. (What, in the name of God, does he eat???) And, immediately after, wrote a column saying India’s packed cricket schedule isn’t responsible for their performance on this tour, sending readers into peals of laughter and, in doing so, outperforming Navjot Sidhu yet again. The guy is a genius!

Ravi Shastri, unsurprisingly, was the most eloquent of them all. He implored everyone to look at his “body of work” over the last twenty years before judging him. To give him his due, he does have the distinction of making India world champions in two different sports when, after Sreesanth took Misbah’s catch that fateful evening in Johannesburg, Shastri screamed out in the commentary box “India are the first TT world champion”. It says a lot about the character of the man that he has neither demanded nor received any money from the Table Tennis Federation for this unsolicited help.

But just so we make an informed judgment on the man, I sent a trusted friend out to look for Shastri’s body of work. He has been missing ever since. Although, in his last text he said he was still confident of finding it. Let’s pray he returns like a tracer bullet.

You can hear Anupam’s live alternate commentary of India vs England on www.pitch-invasion.in

The spirit of cricket is a four letter word

Published on August 5, 2011 in Latest. 36 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

In a brilliant display of the Butterfly effect, the events surrounding Ian Bell’s run out last Sunday and his subsequent reinstatement, cleverly masked as the spirit of cricket, has resulted in a most bizarre sequence of events.

The half-full Monty
Closest to the thick of the action, England coach Andy Flower reacted strongly to accusations of double standards. “I have always adhered to the spirit of cricket,” said Flower. “I never wanted England to get any unfair advantage over India and that’s why I asked Monty Panesar not to bowl to Sachin Tendulkar in the nets,” he added.

The doosra spirit of cricket
In a major blow to England’s chances of winning any more test matches in this series, Harbhajan Singh has pulled out of the tour with an abdominal strain. Captain Andrew Strauss is said to have tried to invoke the spirit of the game again by asking Dhoni to reinstate Harbhajan back in the team.

Harbhajan's absence is a major blow to England


“As a team, we do not believe in causing any physical harm to the opposition batsmen,” Dhoni said while responding to the request. “We felt there was a clear and present danger of the English batsmen straining their abdominal muscles while hitting Harbhajan for sixes. So, in the spirit of cricket, we decided it’s best if Harbhajan returned to India.”

One spirit of cricket, please. And make it large!
Ravi Shastri is said to be most upset with Dhoni. During the contentious tea break, he had already picked up fights with Nasser Hussain, Ian Botham, Michael Vaughan and the guy in the pink jumpsuit in the stands, only to see Ian Bell walk back in. “I had to eat humble pie,” Shastri said. “Doesn’t Dhoni know that pies don’t help in recovering from a hangover?” he asked animatedly.

Last seen, Shastri was asking the bartender to serve him an extra large peg of the spirit of cricket. “On the rocks,” he insisted.

Bach gaya Saha
In a bid to renew public faith in him and his business empire, Rupert Murdoch has also jumped on the spirit of cricket bandwagon. Murdoch’s wife Wendi Deng offered to toughen up Suresh Raina and Abhinav Mukund in the kickboxing ring during the break between the second and third tests.

Taking advantage of the fact that they both look the same under a helmet, Mukund tricked Wridhiman Saha into going for the session instead by convincing him that Mrs. Murdoch wanted to have lunch with him and that he should go in full cricket attire so she could recognize him. Thinking that he wouldn’t need it at lunch, the only piece of cricket equipment Saha didn’t wear was the all-important guard. It proved to be a big oversight.

However, his friends and family will be relieved to know that Doctors have confirmed that the future of the Saha clan remains intact.

Actually, it’s got nothing to do with the spirit
Rubbishing all theories about the spirit of cricket, sources close to the Indian team have confirmed the real reason behind India’s performance in England so far. Apparently, Dhoni had told his team that it’s important to start an important relationship on a good note. During his years as England coach, the one thing that Duncan Fletcher couldn’t do was to beat India.

The Indian team wants to make their coach’s dream come true.

You can hear Anupam’s live alternative commentary of India vs England on www.pitch-invasion.in

BCCI has always been transparent about team selection

Published on July 29, 2011 in Latest. 34 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore Click here

Cricket Australia (CA) is being praised for their transparency for explaining in detail reasons for each player’s selection for the Sri Lanka tour. What very few people know is that the BCCI has been following the exact same process for years without making a big deal of it. Just to prove it, a source close to the BCCI recently leaked the selection committee dossier explaining the Indian team for the England tour.

Excerpts from the leaked dossier below.

A half-fit Virender Sehwag

Cricket’s version of a nuclear deterrent, Viru’s selection is a direct result of having Sharad Pawar at the helm of affairs. During his stint as defence minister in the early 90s, Pawar truly understood this concept when Pakistan kept India from attacking them for the fear of a nuclear retaliation. Only later did he find out that their nuclear weapons were actually purchased from the diwali market at Chawri Bazar in Old Delhi. Just the fear of Viru would stop Strauss from declaring with anything less than a 600 run lead.

Abhinav Mukund

Replacing Sehwag is difficult. To look good while doing so is next to impossible. What works in Mukund’s favour, though, is that it’s hard for him to look any worse. Plus, he’s scored heavily in domestic cricket and is a proud citizen of Sriniland. On top of that, Murali Vijay does make him look like Brian Lara.

Sreesanth

Given how India played in the West Indies, it’s clear that Sreesanth was sorely missed there. History has proven that Indian batsmen tend to spend a lot more time in the middle when Sreesanth is in the dressing room. Unfortunately, so do the fielders and bowlers resulting in a slow over-rate. But, the BCCI can be expected to take care of that.

Harbhajan Singh

Sorry, no more jokes about ‘making it large’ please. Bhajji is in the side on the back of some great performances in test cricket. The average cricket fan wouldn’t know that he has scored more test centuries in the last 18 months than Dhoni, Raina, Yuvraj and Mukund. His fastish, off-break action, straight bowling is a bonus.

Yuvraj Singh

If you help win the world cup, you deserve an easy ride for a series or two. And, in the reality show Emotional Atyachaar, he has not only shown great self-control by not laughing at the contestants but also accepted that he is a ‘player’. Who are we to argue against that?

Wriddhiman Saha

Look, the reserve keeper’s slot has to go to a CSK player. Period!

Munaf Patel

Primarily in the team to appease the Patels of England, Munaf’s fielding also makes the rest of the team look brilliant in comparison. And, if he performs well and is invited for an interview, it’ll make for great television viewing.

Manjrekar moment of the week

The first thing Sanjay Manjrekar did on landing in London was to go shopping, a habit he shares with Pakistan foreign minister Hina Rabbani. The second thing he did was tweet about it.

“Often happens in desi shops in london. Owner refused to take money for items bought from a corner shop…very sweet of him,” he tweeted. When asked why he refused the money, the owner said that it was his way of thanking Manjrekar for retiring from cricket.

He also said he’s ready to offer more if he retired from commentary too.

You can hear Anupam’s live commentary of India vs England on www.pitch-invasion.in

Why Sachin would rather not get his 100th at Lord’s

Published on July 22, 2011 in Latest. 33 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore Click here

In all the talk about the 2000th test match, the 100th test match between India and England and Sachin’s impending century of centuries, the one statistic that’s getting lost is that India’s Big Three of Dravid, Tendulkar and Laxman, with 32, 51 and 16 test centuries respectively, are on the threshold of their own century of centuries. Their combined centuries tally currently stands at 99.

Sir Aggie, the lord of Lord’s
The three have secretly admitted, though, that they wouldn’t mind not getting to the landmark in the first test as that would get them spoken in the same breath as the last Indian centurion at Lord’s – the great Ajit Agarkar.

It’s a Catch 22 situation for Sachin Tendulkar. If he doesn’t score a century at Lord’s, people would question his big stage temperament. And, if he does, people would ask what the big deal about it is given that even Sir Aggie has one to his credit.

Sachin’s taking no chances


Sachin, though, has been working at his game like only he does. He’s been living in his Regent’s Park home in London, a stone’s throw from Lord’s, for the last one month and has been having two-hour net sessions everyday with Alan Duncan, a staff coach at the MCC Academy, who’s been doing the throw downs. While

Duncan’s arm feels like it’ll drop off any moment, he thinks it’s all worth it as this may get him to be India’s next coach because he’s heard that throw downs is all what Gary Kirsten did as coach of India.

Superstitious man that he is, Sachin has asked for Glen McGrath’s lucky chair at Lord’s. McGrath had to have the same chair every time he played at the north London ground after he took an eight-for in his first Ashes Test here. The chair treated him well as he made it to the honours board every time he played here.

Although the MCC graciously allocated that chair to Sachin, when he reached Lord’s yesterday he found MCA president Vilasrao Deshmukh was already sitting on it.

The bizarre Englishmen
The English cricket team had a minor scare when emergency medical services had to be called to check on their bowling spearhead Chris Tremlett after he said that Indian batsmen are boring and play attritional cricket.

The medical staff believed that the 6 feet 7 inches tall Tremlett’s temporary insanity was caused by altitude sickness and lack of oxygen. A closer inspection revealed that the real cause was prolonged exposure to Jonathon Trott’s batting.

The incident comes days after Graeme Swann said that England’s batting is stronger than India’s and that Alistair Cook and Jonathon Trott are the best batsmen in the world. That comment had attracted the attention of WADA officials who are currently investigating if Swann was under the influence of any psychotropic substances.

Yuvi’s wardrobe malfunctioning
In a move that’s sure to reduce television ratings, the MCC has asked members not to show their cleavage during the Lord’s test. Consequently, the Indian team has asked Yuvraj Singh to wear a polo neck tee-shirt under his shirt.

Manjrekar, the legend
Sanjay Manjrekar tweeted that he worries about the first two sessions of India’s batting and hoped that it would come on Day 3. The man who was once tipped to become India captain probably feels India’s best chance of winning is if England bat two days and have 650 on the board. The fact that he never did become captain should prove the existence of God.

You can hear my alternative commentary of India vs England on www.pitch-invasion.in

Return of the prodigal son

Published on July 16, 2011 in Latest. 20 Comments

Originally printed in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore Click here

Last week, a chance meeting with the chairman of selectors Krish Srikanth at the opening of an India Cements showroom in Chennai, where I had gone scavenging for a free lunch, led to the most enlightening conversation I’ve had this year. It was about the Indian Emerging Players team.

To give a background, the Indian Emerging Players team for a tournament in Australia was announced at the same time as the Indian team for the England test series. The selectors probably hoped that the Mukund vs Vijay, Yuvraj vs Kohli and Sehwag vs Sehwag debates will camouflage the selection of S. Anirudh, prodigal son of the chairman of selectors Krish Srikanth, in the Emerging Players team. They almost pulled it off.

In the few minutes we had, I posed some questions at the honourable chairman.

AM: Sir, how do you defend Anirudh’s selection in the Emerging Players team given that in eight years of First Class cricket, he still has an average below 30?
KS: Why else do you think we haven’t selected him in the Emerged Players team?


AM: Have you not noticed that he wasn’t even in the top 50 run scorers in domestic cricket last season? Even Piyush Chawla scored more runs than him. (Piyush: 305 runs @ 33.38. Anirudh: 251 runs @ 31.37)
KS: I know that. We also considered Piyush. But, given what happened after his selection in the world cup team, we thought it’s safer to go with Anirudh.

AM: But sir, what special talent has he displayed?
KS: Of course he has special talent. He is the only cricketer in the country who can touch his nose with his tongue. Try it. It’s not as easy as you think.
(It’s really not that easy)

AM: I was asking about cricket talent…
KS: If you look at it, even Don Bradman hasn’t scored as many runs in T20 cricket as Anirudh has.

AM: Don’t you think his selection stinks of nepotism?
KS: I don’t understand why you people go only after us cricketers. Did anyone accuse Yash Chopra of nepotism when he cast Uday Chopra in Dhoom and Dhoom 2? His son is no better than mine.

AM: Aren’t you scared that he will fail in the tournament?
KS: I am sure he won’t fail. With Shikhar Dhawan, Ajinkya Rahane, Manish Pandey, Saurabh Tiwary, Manoj Tiwary and Ambati Rayudu in the side, do you think he’ll even get a chance to play?

Minutes later, security guards threw me out of the premises.

Testing times
Darren Sammy’s most testing time came hours after the test series against India was over. At the post-match conference, Sammy said that he would go down in history as Darren Sammy, the one who always smiled. His West Indian teammates decided to put this claim to test.

At the customary beer drinking session after the series, his teammates made an unsuspecting Sammy drink 10 bottles of beer and then locked him up in a room with no access to a bathroom.

What followed was predictable. There was much pleading, screaming, threats and pounding on the door for almost half an hour. After which, everything went quiet inside the room. Thinking that the captain was trying to bluff them, they kept him locked inside for another 30 minutes. When there was still no sound of life inside the room, they opened the door fearing the worst.

Inside, they found Sammy on the bed watching TV. He was still smiling and the ten beer bottles, neatly placed along the wall, were full again.

40% players choose IPL. 60% lie.

Published on June 3, 2011 in Latest. 26 Comments

Originally published in the Mirror Click here

Even as the nation catches its breath after a collective sigh of relief when IPL ended, the cricketing juggernaut continues its march to glory making headlines all over the world.

Sample this. The Indian national team left the country’s shores, Sri Lanka and England conjured up the unlikeliest of results in a test match that wouldn’t get match-fixing tongues wagging, Pakistani cricket fraternity resumed their battles after a ceasefire that lasted all of four hours, and all remaining international players filled up survey forms.

Here’s a snapshot of life after IPL.

The Indian team departs
The Indian team departed for yet another bilateral series. This time, shockingly, not against Sri Lanka. Captain of the depleted side Suresh Raina said that it was a “great opportunity for fringe players”. Starting with Raina himself, I presume.

The tour marks the beginning of Duncan Fletcher’s journey as India coach. And, he got a good idea of the challenges that lie ahead after spending the better part of his time at the airport being tugged at his shirt by Raina asking if he could buy a box of candies. Which, probably, wasn’t as bad as being mistaken as an ICC Anti Corruption Unit officer by the team’s new vice-captain Harbhajan Singh.

Player survey report
The Federation of International Cricketers’ Associations (FICA) released results of the 2011 players’ survey telling the world what everyone already knew. As per the survey, 40% of players said they would rank their IPL obligations ahead of obligations to their home boards. The other 60% lied.

When asked if ICC’s decision-making was influenced unfairly by the BCCI, 69% said “yes”, while 31% answered “don’t know”. Closer scrutiny of the responses revealed that the 31% who answered “don’t know” actually meant that they didn’t know if they will be witch-hunted by the BCCI, roughed up, then nailed to the door and made to watch IPL Season 4 on a loop for a month, if they answered ‘yes’ to that question.

Commentators’ day out
Harsha Bhogle spent a day at IBM talking to employees of the technology giant. Sources indicate that several of his slides received a standing ovation including the ones titled ‘How to go from intelligent woman’s sex symbol to butt of Navjor Sidhu’s jokes’ and ‘How to sport a 360 degree grin when around a PYT like Shibani Dandekar’.

Sanjay Manjrekar headed to the hills citing “analyst fatigue” as reason, earning full marks for compassion for forewarning all those headed to the hills to escape from cricket analysts.

Twitter tamasha
RCA president Sanjay Dixit displayed his eloquent side by calling Lalit Modi ‘blind crazy’ and ‘Osama’. Later, he displayed his IQ by tweeting that he was born optimist because his blood group is B positive.

Lalit Modi’s been surprisingly restrained, tweeting mostly links to news reports. A quick tip for bloggers struggling to increase readership: Write an anti-IPL/Srinivasan/BCCI post and tweet it to Lalit Modi. He will ensure that your readership increases 100 times overnight.

Useless trivia of the week
Lalit Modi’s new website has only 26 pictures of him on the home page.

In other news, Shahid Afridi has retired from international cricket. Punters are betting he’ll be back before he turns 25.

Ghostly tales of the cricketing kind

Published on May 27, 2011 in Latest. 18 Comments

Originally appeared in the Mirror – Mumbai, Bangalore, Pune, Ahmedabad Click here

Last week, the Indian Council of Tantriks and Black Magicians (ICTBM) reported a sudden spurt in abnormal paranormal activity. A deeper study revealed the reason behind this.

Apparently, Chetan Sharma’s ghost, who had been wandering aimlessly for a really long time, has finally found a home in Lakshmipathy Balaji. The study was concluded the moment Ambati Rayudu hit the waist high full toss from Balaji for a six off the last ball of their last league match. Digging into the case files revealed that the said ghost was so sure of finding a home for himself in 2007 when Joginder Sharma was put in charge of the final over of the T20 world cup that he had already thrown a party for all other ghosts. Unfortunately for him, though, he lost out to the ghost living on a 99-year lease in Misbah’s body.

But now, finally, he can rest in peace until the next Balaji shows up. We wish him a happy house warming.

Aila Aunty-la
Reports emerging from the Mumbai Indians camp say that Ambati Rayudu is most determined to win the IPL for his team this year. The reason for his grit and determination, though, go beyond his hunger for success.

The man for all dirty jobs - Rayudu


Last Friday, the Ambanis invited the entire Mumbai Indians squad to their famous home Antilla. Other than the music, drinks and dinner, the evening included a guided tour of the mansion popularly known as the ‘Eyesore of the Arabian Sea’. At the end of the two hour tour, Mrs. Nita Ambani dazzled the already disoriented team members with a short but effective lecture totally befitting an Ambani. Displaying a strong grip on modern management techniques, Aunty Ambani told the team that, if they didn’t win the IPL, they’d spend the rest of their contract period cleaning the Antilla. Almost instantaneously, all eyes turned to the hapless Mr. Rayudu.
For, it’s common knowledge now, if there’s a dirty job to be done it’ll fall on Rayudu’s lap.

Not surprisingly, with four needed to win, Rayudu dispatched the last ball for a six. Given the enormity of the punishment staring at his face, even if thirty six were needed off the last ball, I’d bet on Rayudu scoring it.

10 Chris Gayles
Vijay Mallya is reviewing a revolutionary proposal submitted by a team of scientists from Tempe, Arizona. The scientists have proposed to clone Chris Gayle and make 10 more of him just so no one can challenge the Royal Challengers in any edition of the IPL in the future. But, given that VJM XI beat SRK XI by seven wickets, Dr. Mallya is pondering over the idea of cloning himself ten times over. Purely on humanitarian grounds, the scientists are believed to be opposed to this idea.

Papa knows best
For defending champions Chennai Super Kings, though, there’s neither a need for investing into cloning technologies nor resorting to North Korea style punishment tactics. When your team owner also runs the BCCI, small matters like player retention, auction list, match schedules, pitch conditions are always taken care of. Word on the street is that IPL is a really long tournament to decide who plays CSK in the finals.

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