Forget Private Ryan. Save Captain Kakdi Instead.

Talk about biting the hand that’s feeding you or killing the goose that’s laying golden eggs. The illustrious Blues’ cricket administrators have either never heard these tales or years of free loading has stuffed their heads with nothing but rotten cow dung. Just when I was thinking that the Blues’ future seams secure, they have taken the first step towards taking Blues’ cricket a few steps backwards, yet again.

Apparently, Captain Kakdi wanted to play this tournament as a specialist batsman. His fingers are sore, swollen, all bruised and patched up due to all the cricket he’s played over the last 2 years. And he believes that he commands a place in the side purely as a batsman as well. To my mind, that’s a very reasonable demand from a guy who’s taken Blues’ cricket to heights never seen before. But not quite so for the Big Asses who run the game. He’s been told that he doesn’t get in if he doesn’t keep wickets. Somewhere deep down they probably resent the fact that Captain Kakdi has become bigger than them in the eyes of the public. In their strange drug-induced reasoning, they believe that people stay up late nights to see these good-for-nothings in their pot bellies and ill-fitting safari suits at prize distribution ceremonies. I think someone needs to show them the mirror. Although finding a mirror to fit in their bloated egos will not be easy.

For now though, Captain Kakdi will play through the pain. And I sincerely pray that he comes back victorious, cos I am not sure what price he and Blues cricket may have to pay for a loss.

Blame the No. 4 slot

Teri Maa Ki (TMK) went out drinking and skipped training again. So, what? After all, his name is Teri Maa Ki and with a name like that you don’t expect him to behave like Vengirapu Venkata Sai Laxman.

Come on, let’s be honest here. The Dicks knew exactly what they were getting into when they picked him in the squad. All that the Dicks’ captain Dickhead hoped for is that TMK will stay out of major trouble like hanging from the hotel chandelier or running around naked. For the first few days though he was as good a Dickland citizen as is possible. He hardly ever spoke which meant hardly any profanities came out of his big mouth. But, it was also clear that he was climbing a very weak tree. The silent treatment he was giving everyone, especially the team’s vice-captain Pomeranian Pilla, wasn’t going down very well with people. But you can’t sack someone just because he isn’t speaking, can you?

So, what is the real problem. The real problem is something called Slot No. 4. A few days ago, Pilla had a heated argument with Dickhead on the batting order. Dickhead didn’t want Pilla in the middle order. He was clear that it’s either the opening slot or the bench. His choices for No. 4 and 5 were TMK and Pussy. Pilla wasn’t keen on opening and argued with his skipper on the issue. Eventually, it was agreed that Pilla will bat at No. 4 in the warm up game and his form will be assessed. During all this while, TMK kept quiet but wore a stupid smirk that annoyed Pilla no end. And as things turned out, Pilla did what he had to and earned his spot, while TMK sat around padded up watching his rightful place being snatched from him yet again. And true to his reputation, he went out drinking and during the binge he wasn’t quite discreet about his opinion of Pilla and the Dicks’ coach. Essentially, he put his Size 13 foot into his Size 1 mouth. And when you do that, it sure is gonna hurt.

Today, the team management confronted an unapologetic TMK. Dickhead still wanted a reconciliation and was hoping that the matter will blow over. But he was fighting a battle against Pilla and the Coach. Eventually, Pilla threatened that if TMK isn’t packed off, he will. The matter and the threat was reported to the Dickland’s CEO who then decided that TMK will return immediately. Most people in the team believe that TMK is going back partly because of himself, but mostly because of the No. 4 slot.

P.S. I am hoping that after this post, my friends in Delhi will finally learn that it’s not called Pomarian. And while I am at it I might as well tell them that it’s not called Labradog either.

It’s time!

I am back. I had to be back. The Championship is just about to begin. And, with the news that’s coming in from my different sources close to the teams, this will be one helluva championship. Very different from the last one where 12 national teams went against one another. This one’s about 3-4 teams going against ONE. This championship is as much about each team trying to win as it is about some teams wanting to ensure that the Blues don’t win.

Yes, it’s true! While everyone has pretty much accepted the financial muscle of the Blues, it’s their cricketing muscle that they can’t stand the sight of. And the Blues haven’t really been subtle about strutting their biceps lately, especially under Captain Kakdi. The First World of Cricket misses the good ol’ days when they could live off the Blues’ money and also kick their butts. Over the last couple of years, things have kind of turned around. Now, most times that they play the Blues, they tend to lose their pants in the process. And this stark nudity in the glaring sun is giving them sun burns in certain unmentionable parts of the body. It’s itching and itching real bad. The Blues have to lose whether we win or not. This seems to be the motto of the Championship in 2009.

Never before in history have the Blues gone into a World level tournament as overwhelming favourites. For the first time in 20 years, the Dicks of Dickland aren’t the overwhelming favourites. Al Pakeezah’s Weapons of Self Destruction (WSDs) blame the Blues for everything that happens to them including no cricket, no action, no money, no government, no brains, too much RDX. The Islanders, on the other hand, have believed since 1996 , that they are the Dicks of South Asia and want to be treated like one. The Queen Bees want to prove that Blue Money can’t buy their cotton flannels, bow ties, and fish & chips. All-in-all, this promises to be the mother of all wars, where Captain Kakdi leads his band of marauders to slam the final nail into the coffin of the Old Cricketing World Order.

I leave for Vilayat tomorrow for another round of under ground reporting, the way I see it and the way I observe. Whatever comes to my knowledge will be on the blog. What I see is what you get.

Let the war begin!

Awards Night and Farewell

While the IPL closing ceremony is on, I am pleased to share with you an exciting piece of news. IPL’s FIP Reader’s Choice Awards will be given in a glittering function at the Buckingham Palace Lawns on 4th June. The Queen and the Prince have declined their presence because of prior engagements. However, the rest of the glitterati are expected to attend the event in full splendour.

True to his style Saala Slimeball has already ordered for a gold coloured Shamiana studded with all sorts of stones. The brief is to make something more hideous than the trophy itself, which will take some doing I tell you. The Shamiana vala is currently busy slapping all the sponsors’ logos on gold sheets. All speeches at the event are sponsored by Sprite, which automatically disqualifies Slimeball from giving this customary Thank You speech. Kishen Kanhaiyya lost the job as soon as he said “I will be there like a tracer bullet”. And Nanny Horrible-son was, at the time, trying out his latest stunt of lifting 4 cheerleaders on his shoulders and 2 on his lap, and couldn’t muster up a good enough reply. The show will now be anchored by all Set Max anchors. Doesn’t get straighter than this as they know all TVs would in any case be on Mute.

As readers of this blog, you have the privilege of knowing all the winners well in advance because, well, you guys have picked them anyway.

IPL FIP’s READER’S CHOICE AWARDS

Pair pe kulhaadi Award:
Appam Chutiya for his marathon run after claiming wicket of Cool Dude and ruining own prospects in Indian team.
Contributed by Vimmmie

Best Dialouge in an action sequence:
Little John to Bookha Naan where Little John barges into his room and says “You say new pitch, but it’s old pitch. How you say how to do balling when you don’t know pitch.”
Contributed by Srikanth

Best motivational speech Award:
Prince to whole of Bubblies team referring to Appam “Attitude toh poora Masala Dosa type deta hai aur bowling Appam type karta hai”
The comment that changed Appam’s destiny.

Lifetime achievement Award:
Lordie (ahem! its a sign that its time to go home and rest those old bones)
Contributed by Ninaonia and Sandeep

OK Saabun ‘Sachmuch Kaafi Bada Hai’ Award:
RVR Singh aka Pamela Inder Singh
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Lux Cozy ‘Apna luck saath leke chalo’ Award: Kishen Kanhaiya
Contributed by Zphyrblog

Baazigar Award:
Appam Chutiya for proving that jeet ke bhi haarne wale ko chutiya kehte hain, for reasons mentioned in the first award.
Contributed by Anonymous

Haath mein aaya par muh na laga paaya Award:
Cool Dude (2nd time now!)
Contributed by Aar Jay

Most insightful commentator Award: (Jointly held)

Ramiz Raja for the comment on Amit Mishra:”Amit Mishra can spin the ball”

Mbwanga for the comment during the semifinals: “Chennai would like to win the match”

Alistair Campbell for “2 overs remaining. That’s 12 balls folks”

L Sivaramakrishnan:”These are crucial times. Last 10 overs”

(All commentators awards contributed by Sanks)

Aaj Tak Sabse Tez Award:
Lordie, the Agile Tiger (only after getting a wicket)
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Chutiyaap: Ye chhooney se nahin failta Award:
Appam Chutiya’s chutiyaap, else the whole Bubblies’ team would have been appams by now
Contributed by Upneet Grover

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Order of the British Empire (OBE): (Thanks Tathagat)
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Colgate Last Laugh Award:
Phoren Babas

Sorry Dildo, you dont win any awards this year, so you can throw away that speech you wrote and rehearsed in the loo!
Contributed by Ninaonia

Lifetime Achievement Award Should go to FIP. coz i dont think u have achieved nethng bigger than this blog yet in ur life.! no offence!!
Contributed by Manan

@Manan: While you are spot on in your assumption of FIP’s achievements, but organisers and people associated with the award function aren’t eligible.

BEST PALTIBAAJ Award..to FIP for a 360degree change on backtracking from his decision to disclose his identity..
Contributed by Devilinside

@Devilinside: A 360 degree turn essentially brings you back to your original position, so where’s the palti my friend? Anyway, your mistake is ignored here since you too are the “devil inside”

(Also, please read Rahul D’s award list in the comments section (4th page). They are hillarious)

Anyway folks, IPL’s over. An extravaganza that’s successfully converted India’s cricket and entertainment economy into political power across the cricket playing world. A showcase of India’s economic prowess like none other. We’re happening and the world knows it. This IPL has been fun and we all know there’s more to come.

I will be away for a while now, but I will be back before you can say Blueberry Pie. Can’t tell you exactly when I will return though. But keep checking in once in a while and I may just surprise you.

Till we meet again, good bye and good luck.

Rest in pieces

It ain’t over till it’s over folks. I was all set to rest in peace after my ‘don’t tell all’ video, but the ferocity of comments has shattered my rest to pieces and compelled me to return for this one last post for this IPL season. I can take anything you guys hurl at me, but the line needs to be drawn somewhere. You can call me anything you want and I won’t mind a bit, but one particular anonymous commenter simply crossed the final frontier of my tolerance by calling me Bishen Singh Bedi. Even the guy who called me Himesh had some sense level of decency, although how he recognised Himesh without a mike held at a precise 47.5 degree angle is a little hard to understand.

If you are still reading this post after my obituary, I assume that you are amongst the 37% of readers who have enjoyed the blog in the right spirit, have contributed to the quality of the blog with your intelligent, witty comments and constructive criticism. I hope I am safe to assume that all the Mr. Anonymous’ and Ms Anonymous’ who started and continued inane & immature discussions in the comments section won’t find this blog interesting enough after the last video post. Also, given that the popularity of the blog should now be about 37% of what it was a week ago, I am reeeaaallllyyyy hoping that bleedin’ spammers like rahul and makmoon (I refuse to promote your site by adding the dot com, you idiot) will find some other more lucrative havens. Finally, the brave hearts would have signed off from this coward’s blog by now. It’s better to have lesser people on the site anyway.

I thought our own FIP Awards may be a good way to end the season. Given below is my list. Feel free to add your own categories and awardees in the comments section based on what you have seen, read or heard. I’ll compile a final list of Awards in the next post. Leave your names so I can include the contributor names in the final listing. What say, guys?

FIP Awards

Best Night Rider Award:
Sheikh (for obvious reasons)

Best Batsman of Leg Spin/Googly/Flipper:
The guy who hangs around Big Sister for managing to hold on to his prized wicket in the face of a fierce onslaught by the Sheikh himself

‘Highest’ Scorer Award:
Little John

Saala Slimeball Award: Dildo

Award for Contribution to Indian Cricket:
Saala Slimeball for running the IPL that’s made sure that Prince will never captain India

Appam Chutiya Award:
Prince of Patiala, jiska Cool Dude ne phir chutiya kaat diya

Har Bhajan Award:
Appam Chutiya for slapping FIP with that one magic ball to Cool Dude

Kaan Moolo Award:
Kaan Moolo

British OBE:
Bhookha Naan for the 21st century version of divide and rule

Astrologer of the Year:
Chatterjee Kaku

Naukri.com Career Shift Award:
The numerologist who advised our team name change

LIC Retirement Benefit Plan Award:
Sparrow

Houdini Fastest Disappearing Act Award:
Dildo

Cyrus Memorial Bakra Award:
Skipper

Kingfisher Free Miles Award:
Our entire team

Greenpeace Award for Environment Consciousness:
Bevdaa for saving water

Colgate Last Laugh Award: Phoren Babas

One last thing. Trying to guess my identity or calling me fake are both exercises in futility. In time you shall know that in the cricketing world there’s the known, there’s the unknown, and somewhere in between is FIP.

FIP RIP

FIP RIP

Straight from the Centurion

Not sitting in the dugout tonight. Man, it’s freezing cold out there. Am just to the right of the dressing room right now and there’s 2 wi-fi enabled laptops here. We leave for Durban tomorrow, so may not get to post before wednesday. Here’s a quick one. Dildo’s managed to find some investors. He will sell some stake in the franchise but will continue to own it. It’s final now. It will be announced in abt 10 days. As I write this, Skipper seems to be taking us to an improbable win. When we left India, Dildo had asked us to do the impossible. He didn’t know that we’ll hear it as ‘win from impossible situations’ and ‘lose from impossible situations’ coz that’s all we seem to be doing this time round. Wednesday is the day, btw. It’s final!

The last leg

Time’s really running out for us now and we need to catch up on so many important things. Like last minute shopping, enjoying the massages and spas, trying our luck with the ladies etc. Many of the boys have been busy doing a combination of all of these with varying degrees of success. In between all this, there was the small matter of losing yet another match in the final over. Which was duly done and dusted, and now we are back to our main occupation, looking for deals and some action on the side.

About the last match, well, it’s now safe to assume that team selection has hardly played a role in our performance. No matter who played, no matter who opened, no matter who bowled the last over, the result would always have been the same. If it were not for Chatterjee Kaku’s good wishes and Indra Devta’s blessings, we may have even returned without any points. Now, that would have been a fitting return gift to Dildo, wouldn’t it?

We were all gutted after the last match. There are 3 losses that have hurt us the most and this is one of them. Style Bhai got really heated up after the match, ranting about the fast bowlers, batsmen, coaching staff, almost everyone barring himself. The Coach reacted to it but was rudely interrupted by Kaan Moolo with his own cribs and complaints. This is probably one of the few matches in his entire career when Kaan Moolo is not directly responsible for the defeat and he certainly wasn’t letting go off this opportunity. He blasted off on a tangent accusing the Phoren Babas and their way of doing things. Mangal added a few choice words of his own in Hindi before we boarded our coach. Lordie just sat there observing and eventually walked off with a slight shrug. I can just sense how much he is enjoying this whole drama. He’s got that ‘I told you so’ look about him these days. Last seen, Boy George was translating Mangal’s words to Coach and Bhookha.

At the start of the last over, a couple of us in the dug out had in fact noticed that something was wrong with the field. One of us (and I am not naming him now for a reason which you will probably know later) also tried to draw the Phoren Babas attention to it, but was completely ignored. And the rest is history. If only there was a little more faith in our opinion, we could have at least won one proper match.

Apparently, losing to us is now being viewed as an offence that may warrant capital punishment. Dhakkans’ Big Boss had threatened their coach with dire consequences if they lost to us. The coach transferred the heat onto 3-4 young Indian batsmen who comprise their lower middle order. They were asked to shape up or be shipped out. I personally think this kind of talk may work in an Australian environment, but can really backfire in India. And it almost did. While they should thank Ghati Baba for saving their asses, a bottle of wine for the Skipper and a bouquet of roses for Bangla may not be out of order either. Too bad that the Bubblies weren’t as obliging today.

Personally, I am most pissed with Dildo’s indifference to our plight. At least the Bubblies have someone nice and cuddly to hug after a loss. Who do we have? Bhookha? I don’t see anyone hugging Bhookha and risking injury by getting poked in the heart by his bony ribcage. Dildo could have at least gifted us some nice teddy bears before leaving.

Lately, Bhookha’s often seen walking up and down corridors late at night mumbling something to himself. Plus, he really believes that he won’t be sacked. I am getting seriously concerned about his mental health now.

Thankfully, someone has taken mercy at our misery and decided to give us some company by losing matches from winning positions. Thanks to the Desis, it’s not lonely at the bottom anymore. Btw, there are murmurs of dissent against Aila. Many in the team believe Aila’s decisions have ended their tournament. The foreign players are a little more vocal about it, but even the desi players have started cribbing. However, most of it is behind closed doors at the moment and out of the public eye.

Bevdaas are on a high, quite literally. Batlivala threw them a grand party after the last match. There was wine, there were women and anything else that young sportsmen with high testesterone need. For guys like Chirkut Teli these parties are godsent as they are saved the pain of fending for themselves in night clubs. No better way to motivate the boys, right? Wish Dildo was here and learning some tricks for next year’s campaign. I have a feeling that the Bevdaas will lose the rest of their games. I love it when, as soon as Batlivala starts gloating about his team, they bring him crashing down.

Style Bhai, known for his love for the good life, has started sending feelers to Batlivala for next season. He doesn’t want to miss out on these parties, does he? Little John also has spoken to Sheru and wants a transfer to Dilwales next season. With Sticky joining the team, he doesn’t want to end up bowling at him only at nets, I guess.

A few answers to your comments now.

Hardik, thanks for suggesting this poll that made me look like a narcissist, as accused by Roshni. I have taken it off.

Anjali, u want me to write abt zoozoos. Who the hell is he? I thought I am the only one giving names here.

Abhi, thanks for continuing to visit the blog and leaving long comments despite the fact that u find the blog boring and my identity fake. I have always believed that guys like you are keeping this blog alive. I look forward to your continued partonage. Plus, I am neither plural nor in California.

Finally, our campaign is coming to an end. Just 2 more matches to go and then we are off. My day of revelation is also coming closer. I spent a lot of time over the last couple of days on the issue. Whether I should or shouldn’t? If I do disclose, should I do it while I am here or after returning home? So many questions with no answers. Wednesday is the day guys when I come out of the closet, if I do.

Get Shorty

This one’s really going to be a short one cos I have very little time on my hands right now. For some reason, it took me a long time to get the poll thing working today. And it’s kind of eaten into the time I had to write. Will send a detailed one later.

Last evening, we were told that we are being investigated upon for match fixing. I mean, this is really funny. When I joined this team I had no clue that we will make so much news off the field. I mean, if there was an IPL for off-field screw ups, we’d have won pads down. Unbelievable. Reminds me of that 3-patti game, muflis or something. The worst hand wins. Wish we had muflis in IPL. We’d bee millionaires by now.

You know what’s funnier abt the match fixing investigation? No one seems to be asking the most logical question. Why would someone pay us to lose a match when we are doing the same for free? Anyway, all these allegations are bollocks. It’s just a way for some officials & their families to get free tickets and stay for the semis-finals weekend.

But it sure makes for even more interesting times. We have always been kind of a grouped-up team. So, the groups are kind of hanging around together. Don’t really have much to play for now, so it’s kind of easy. Most of the time is spent on bitching around and reliving the ‘match-fixing days’ told by those of us who saw it from closer quarters. Interesting times, really.

Anyway, the main intention of this post is to inform you that looks like we have a sufficient number of votes now. So, we’ll take this poll off now. But, we’ll replace the existing poll with another one. Right from the time this blog became popular, people have been guessing who FIP is. Many of you are also very certain who I am. How about taking the most common references and putting together a poll to see who the majority thinks I am?

So, please take a few seconds and click on the poll. We all know the polling principles, right?

More later Amigos. Adios.