Some of us learnt quite early in our lives that, even in an emergency situation, you don’t piss in your backyard. In fact, you scale the wall and piss in your neighbour’s backyard. But, never in your own. Unfortunately, some people didn’t learn that. Even more unfortunate is that they ended up joining the Indian news media.

Why else would you have the entire Indian news contingent trying to create a problem where none exists? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the Blues and there are no camps or anything of that sort. The only pretender to the throne was the Prince of Patiala, who has also accepted his fait accompli after IPL. As far as the Kakdi-Sheru situation is concerned, Sheru’s shoulder is not match ready. The only point of contention was whether he should stick around with the squad hoping that his shoulder will recover towards the second half of the tournament or not. Sheru felt that he could stick around and Kakdi didn’t. Kakdi also feels that Sheru didn’t completely disclose the extent of his injury and isn’t quite happy about it. Eventually, given the form that Ghati Baba has shown in the tournament, the team management decided that Sheru will be eased off. And that’s where I think the matter, and Sheru, should rest.

But one thing’s for sure. This thing’s really got the cucumber boiling. His reactions these days are less like the Captain Kakdi aka Cool Dude that we know & love and more like the Lordie, whom also we know & love. We have all seen him in press conferences recently. But yesterday, some of us were privy to a rather un-Kakdi like reaction. Rain had delayed the start of the game. Kakdi was on the balcony, his usual, easy going, jovial self. Until, one spectator from down below shouted, “Kakdi, Sheru ko kya hua”. Looks tell a story, but Kakdi’s look was telling an epic. The pictures show him before the jibe from the spectator (top pic) and after (bottom pic. Kakdi is in the background as he moved back after the comment/question). I think it’s best for our team that we stop this nonsense and support them in whatever way we can.

Teri Maa Ki’s (TMK’s) ghost refuses to leave the Dicks. Three of their sponsors – Victoria Better, Johnnie Runner and Wolf Bass – all alcohol brands if you have noticed, have joined hands and are asking the Dickland Board some uncomfortable questions. Was TMK drunk or was he ‘just drinking’? If he was ‘just drinking’, is it really that big a crime and is this the message they are sending to the sponsors’ consumers? After all they have no qualms about taking money from Alcohol companies, wearing their logos on their chests, and actively encouraging the rest of the world to hit the bottle, then why this hypocrisy? The question that the rest of the world is asking is why is a Dicklander being punished for being a Dick?

The Blues play tomorrow. Seeing them go about their work yesterday, a few things are pretty clear. No-Braina had walked out of the pavilion with the openers and walked straight into the dug out. So, if a wicket falls within the first 6 overs, No-Braina would go in at No. 3. After the first 6 overs, we saw a padded up Kakdi walking into the dug out. So, if the first wicket falls after the 6th over, he comes in at No. 3 and nudges his way through the innings, which is a good thing cos he can’t hit those big ones these days anyway. And the XI that played yesterday is the ‘A’ team for the tournament. No changes are expected unless there are some serious form or injury issues.

It’s been a hectic 3 days. Tuesday at Lord’s, Wednesday early morning train to Nottingham. 2 days, 4 matches and no internet access in Nottingham. Train ride back to London, which is where I am now. Thankfully, I stay in London till Tuesday when I head back to Trent Bridge for the Blues’ last Super Eight game. The Championship’s now in the real stage. Hopefully, we’ll see some kick-ass action. And while the world’s best cricketer’s slug it out, the Limp Dicks hang around in cold, windy, rainy Leicester…doing nothing. Serves them right, as most would say.

The Championship’s getting hotter even if the weather here isn’t. Calypso has proved once again that he’s worth every penny Dildo’s spent on him, just a few weeks too late for Dildo’s comfort I guess. And that knock from Calypso has rattled the Dicks and now there’s serious problems in the Dicks’ ranks. Yesterday, during training, their vice-captain Pilla spoke to Bablee about his bowling and Bablee had a lot of things to say to Pilla in return, not very flattering ones as one would expect. Most in the team continue to blame Pilla for TMK’s ouster. Pilla wants Bablee to be dropped and the offie to be included for today’s game, although Dickhead may give Bablee another run. Also, one of the fringe medium pacers is set to be replaced by another fringe medium pacer. Can changes get any more dramatic?

Confusion, instead of cricket, is the name of the game that the Weapons of Self Destruction (WSDs) – Al Pakeezah are playing. They probably thought that they have 3 warm up games instead of 2. After yesterday’s game, their left arm grenade hurler hurled abuses at his Captain – Bhindi Khan – for being left out of the side. Their other strike bowler – Kumar Bull – is also complaining about the constant changes in the field while he is bowling. Mr. Missed-by-5-Runs is a tad more polite and has softly told Bhindi Khan that he should be batting at No. 4 and not No. 7. Won’t be too long before others also join in. I think one more loss for them and the revolt in the ranks will be out in the open.

Talking about the WSDs, their run of bad luck seems to be following them even off the field. After the game last night, 6-7 of them made their way to an upmarket club in Soho that costs about 500 Pounds cover per table and is frequented by Football stars. They entered the place all wide eyed, made their way to the bar, leaned on the counter, looked around casually, trying too hard to be cool. A familiar sight really. A bunch of desi guys in a club trying to look cool, without realising that if they really were cool they’d already be with chicks. The leader of this pack was the failed warrior of their tribal region, who spends more time walking from and to the pavilion than in the middle. He’s the one who would approach the girls. Why he was chosen as the ring leader will remain one of the biggest mysteries to ever confront mankind. And with pick up lines like “Will you dance”, “Why you laugh”, “We are cool guys”, “You have spikes in your eyes” it’s not really surprising that they returned empty handed.

But there’s some comfort for the WSDs as some others have had even worse luck than them. 5 young boys from the Aloo Posto-Deem Sheddo team from our east, went out clubbing last night to prepare for their do-or-die knock out game. And knocked out they were after they entered the Village (pic on the right). They went in, ordered all their drinks at the counter, and then went further in where they thought all the action is. Once inside, the reality finally dawned on them that they were in a gay club. And they had to spend the next hour and a half inside the club finishing their drinks. The good news is that they were back well within the curfew like good school boys.

In London, one hardly gets to feel that a World Cup is on. Very few people here are even aware of the Championship. A far cry from the excitement that was palpable everywhere in SA when the IPL was on. As I stood outside the Oval yesterday before the first of the double-header, a car drove past asking the security person if Chelsea is playing today. Even the bookies think that an England-Kazakhstan football match is bigger than these Championships. Any guesses on how long before the IPL takes over the cricketing world?

Teri Maa Ki (TMK) went out drinking and skipped training again. So, what? After all, his name is Teri Maa Ki and with a name like that you don’t expect him to behave like Vengirapu Venkata Sai Laxman.

Come on, let’s be honest here. The Dicks knew exactly what they were getting into when they picked him in the squad. All that the Dicks’ captain Dickhead hoped for is that TMK will stay out of major trouble like hanging from the hotel chandelier or running around naked. For the first few days though he was as good a Dickland citizen as is possible. He hardly ever spoke which meant hardly any profanities came out of his big mouth. But, it was also clear that he was climbing a very weak tree. The silent treatment he was giving everyone, especially the team’s vice-captain Pomeranian Pilla, wasn’t going down very well with people. But you can’t sack someone just because he isn’t speaking, can you?

So, what is the real problem. The real problem is something called Slot No. 4. A few days ago, Pilla had a heated argument with Dickhead on the batting order. Dickhead didn’t want Pilla in the middle order. He was clear that it’s either the opening slot or the bench. His choices for No. 4 and 5 were TMK and Pussy. Pilla wasn’t keen on opening and argued with his skipper on the issue. Eventually, it was agreed that Pilla will bat at No. 4 in the warm up game and his form will be assessed. During all this while, TMK kept quiet but wore a stupid smirk that annoyed Pilla no end. And as things turned out, Pilla did what he had to and earned his spot, while TMK sat around padded up watching his rightful place being snatched from him yet again. And true to his reputation, he went out drinking and during the binge he wasn’t quite discreet about his opinion of Pilla and the Dicks’ coach. Essentially, he put his Size 13 foot into his Size 1 mouth. And when you do that, it sure is gonna hurt.

Today, the team management confronted an unapologetic TMK. Dickhead still wanted a reconciliation and was hoping that the matter will blow over. But he was fighting a battle against Pilla and the Coach. Eventually, Pilla threatened that if TMK isn’t packed off, he will. The matter and the threat was reported to the Dickland’s CEO who then decided that TMK will return immediately. Most people in the team believe that TMK is going back partly because of himself, but mostly because of the No. 4 slot.

P.S. I am hoping that after this post, my friends in Delhi will finally learn that it’s not called Pomarian. And while I am at it I might as well tell them that it’s not called Labradog either.